I wish that I died in 2012 so I woudn't have had to suffer the last 10 years alone.
I still think about Anna every day and she blocked me from everything since 2013. She won't acknowledge I exist.
And everyone else in my life did the same. I spent so many birthdays and new years alone and there's nothing I could do to fix it.
Not AA meetings. Not rehab. Not therapy groups. Not therapists. Nothing can cure loneliness when no one likes you.
I'm not loveable anymore. My mind is so damaged from isolation, loneliness, and constant negativity that I'm not socially accepted.
I'm just some weird guy that has funny jokes but no one wants to actually hang out with.
No one loves me. I'm not capable of being loved.
I have no family but my Mom, and she gave up on life 20 years ago. If I lived on my own these last 10-15 years my whole life would have been different. But it's too late now.
I have no friend I can call and hang out with.
I would rather die than spend another year as lonely as I was in 2020. I spent that whole pandemic alone and not a single friend hung out with me. Not one single person.
I wish I knew how to make friends. I wish people didn't ignore me when I message them.
Every one I meet for the last 8 years just ignores me when I text them.
Even though I am fit, have a new car, and my own nice place, there is no one that wants to come over.
My mom moved me into a shithole in 2007 that I coudn't get out of. The only reason I made it out of the loser factory was because the pandemic gave me a chance to profit off a strong hustle.
My body is destroyed but I work on healing it, I dont know if I can ever dance anymore and that alone is reason enough to suicide, since I dont have any friends or loved ones that will care when I'm gone once my Mom is dead.
We are all products of our environment. My life would have unfolded differently if I didn't live in a shitbox I couldn't make enough money to get out of. I couldn't sleep for 12 years. Constant noise, stress, pollution, depressed and mentally ill parent living with me who decided to spend the remaining 40 years of her life alone in front of her TV.
I don't blog anymore cause there's nothing to look forward to in life anymore.
No one will ever read this. Anna is the only one who ever cared and she wont ever talk to me again.
It's been years since I had a kiss. Its been a decade since I had a friend.
I fixed every aspect of my life that I could, and I'm still nothing in this world.
I can't be as successful as Anna. I didn't have the good upbringing she had. I didn't have friends or family that supported me, and I still don't.
I just pray that when I kill myself, the weapons I use will get the job done and not leave me more damaged, and that maybe I'll have a second chance to be loved in the afterlife.
I made a lot of progress, but I can't handle being so alone.
I want to dive into my music, into making content, to express the passions of my soul and hope the universe will respond and catapult me into the world I belong in, because my current world does not accept me. There is no place for me in my current world other than bleeding out on this while tiled floor. The only planet i have hopes of being accepted on is Planet Hollywood.
I cant even cry anymore because I'm so numb to the pain of being isolated and unloved.
Thats why I started self-harming and mutilating myself, its the only way to distract from the unbearable pain that I'm nothing to anyone. That I missed life because I wasn't socially accepted. That the constant bullying and social rejection of my childhood carried on into my adult life. That I go everywhere alone, come home alone, and will die alone.
I decided not to do a mass shooting after watching lots of videos of mass shootings. I don't really want to do a mass shooting for the sake of harming others, it's just the worst thing i can possibly think of to express how horrible life has treated me. I dont really want to kill innocent people, I just want to express how lonely I am, and how jealous I am of people who have family and friends and are racially accepted by a group. Being mixed, I know I'll never be accepted in this world, so why am I trying to fit into it? I'm better off creating my own world, and I can only do so by destroying the current one that exists.
The more rejected I am by society, the less I identify with its values. If I can't participate in society why am I here? And thus I fantasize of mass shootings because it's the ultimate rebellion against society.
Problem is, these mass shooters are losers that don't even try. Most of them intentionally sat in their spiral chambers until they became radicalized and miserable. I tried every fucking thing I could in my power to improve my life and still got held back my poverty and poor health every step of the way.
If you knew how much shit I had to overcome to even make it where I am today you would give me a Nobel Peace Prize, but no one knows and no one cares.
I just wish I had a friend to hug all these years. I'm gonna punch myself now for the first time in a few months, as writing this reminded me how much of a failure I am in life compared to people like Anna whose success I'll never compare to. I'm nothing in this world and I could have been someone.
Thats what hurts the most is that I had so much more potential to do so much more in life, but my environment and health fucked me. I started smoking weed again because the niggers next door wouldnt let me sleep. Started playing games because I injured myself and couldn't afford to see a doctor and didn't know physical therapy. Started eating shit food and getting fat because we lived in the ghetto and Mom made the living room a miserable cigarette-filled shit room. And then more escapist behavior compounded as my life and environment got worse.
Anna was one of the people who truly saw my potential.
My Mom didn't see it in me
My Dad didn't see it in me
Both of them are low lifes who never achieved anything ambitious, so of course they couldn't recognize someone like me who was fully of goals, dreams, passions, and ambitions. They tried to sabotage me every step of the way and added more distress in my life than had they never been around at all. Sometimes I wish they died when I was younger so I could have had the freedom to be happy instead of my Mom taking out her life's misery on me every day. 00
My Mom's drug habit made it impossible to sober up at home, and My Dad never listened to a word I said. Both were always in their own worlds. Mentally incapable and mentally ill people should not be allowed to have kids. IF i do decide to do a mass shooting, my parents also need to be killed as punishment for failing to raise their seed and instead being insulated in their selfish ambitions, especially my father who i plan to torture and mutilate while he is on his death bed.
The more lonely I am, the less people want to be around me. I go places and do things. Talk to people. Still not good enough for the world. The world raised me to hate myself by calling my ugly every day of my life. If anything, I just wish I could have a time machine to shoot up the school I went to as a kid, and kill the staff the made life hell, too.
But here we are and these negative thoughts won't help me make my life any better.
They sure won't make Anna ever talk to me again.
I'm all out of morale. I have to pay for sex. I can't get "pictures with friends" to post on online dating because I dont have any. The last time I dated more than a month was in 2013. The last relationship I had was 2011.
I'm balding, my body is full of permanent scars, I have herniated discs and multiple surgeries, my teeth are crooked, and I was born ugly according the majority of people who made comments throughout my life. I have no social status, I have no family or friends. All I have is me, and me is a fucked up broken person with a lot of potential but born with a broken body and a broken mind surfing on a broken soul.
Why am I even alive?
Is this the way my life is always going to be? Cycling in and out of escapist behavior just to be perpetually ghosted and ignored by everyone I meet? How would you feel if this was your experience? When therapists laugh at how lonely you are.
Well Im gonna start mutilating myself now. The world isn't meant for me.
