Alone on my roof under the largest full moon of the year. It's like having my own room on the top of the city, or at least, the Kenneth Han Inglewood/Ladera/SouthCentral/Weschester border. I guess I came up here tonight because the India Pale Ale's buzz was too strong for my dusty bedroom, needed some cool air to balance it out.
I miss this spot. It was my escape from the self-constructed mental prison of my addictions and an opportunity to be present with the elements and listen to the stars. At first I complimented it with my friend alcohol, but after I stopped drinking I just started exhaling. It became my meditation spot.
But damn, I started inhaling again, and this became my medication spot.
My body language is weakening. I'm giving a fuck less about what you have to say. Were you giving me a chance to holler at you? Sorry, I was busy being blank minded or reflecting on bullshit.
Her lips taste good, and so does the tip of that Royal Blunt wrap. Why not combine the two? Good. Let's continue to pursue this hedonism until you end up where you were a year ago. Those last 3 weeks you threw away to pc games and smoking must not have been strong enough of a reminder.
So I'm emailing my professor, like I do all my professors, to find a last ditch effort to avoid getting a fail. How many times have I done this shit though? Why can't I just get my shit together and pass my classes?
Fuck No Fap. Fap no Fap. Shit is hard as crap but I gotta get in shape. I gained 10 lbs in the last 3 weeks and I'm sure some of its muscle, but I know what the rest is. Estrogen gives me bitch tits and a beer belly so I gotta avoid the jackin off and alcohol. At least I still look good to me in the mirror. But I dont feel good about myself right now.
Fuck my boss at MTV. All he did was try to put me in my place and discourage me and sass me like a white slavemaster telling his niggers not to explore freedom. "Youre not going to get a job here, so stop acting like you're trying to". I'm glad I didn't listen to that piece of shit and branched out anyway. I learned at MTV that white privilege and racism still exists.
I'm drinking though, and not in a good way. I need to deal with my bitterness towards MTV and the underlying past experiences that are associated with being mistreated in spite of a great deal of hard work put in. My vengeful fantasies are knocking at my door wanting an opportunity to take over my thoughts. I must hold on to my Utopian urges and stay present.
I threw my commitments at the sun and traded light for smoke and pleasure. None of you really want to be my friend, so who really gives a fuck but me? I'm motivated by love. I had a nice spot, weed, drinks, music, all that shit people like, but nobody wants to kick it with me on Cinco De Mayo, so here I am:
Alone on my roof during the biggest relapse of the year. I'm hoping the voice of that bigger me doesn't fall short to the call of the wild. Holidays are like a measure of your success and if you aint doing shit, you aint shit.
I should escape those beliefs and live my own life separate from society's expectations as they've been for so long.
There's nothing much more to say. I gotta get back on my grind and refocus. I can't use pain as my motivation as I've learned to sedate it, but rather, a want for better things in my life.
I'm falling.
I'm gliding.
I'm finding a perfect place to land, and start it all up again.
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