The Relapse

I tried to change for the better. I went up into the woods and asked God to touch my soul. A girl who I had once let down brought me down with her. I lost it all. I fell for her but tripped into oblivion. When I finally hit the ground I exploded into light. I met Anna. We opened the door, we went into dreamland together.

But she woke up. I'm still in the dream. Or maybe I woke up and she's in the dream. Whatever the case, she's gone.

Maybe I'm handling it like a bitch. I handled it like a man for the first two weeks, then she called me over. I a wore a purple heart my heart on my sleeve unaware this would be a suicide mission. I died on the beaches of Normandy before I even got off the boat.

I thought I found true love this summer. I did, but she doesn't know it.

I became the boyfriend Margo wanted, when she was my age. Now I understand.

So many parts of me want to be violent. I'm tired of the violent urges without the violent results. The only thing I hurt is my property and my own self. What kind of faggot bitch shit is that? She didn't like it when I was violent, neither did I. The rush just gave me stimulation. I wish these violent urges would go away. I don't like taking it out on myself. I didn't deserve this scar on my forehead.

We all know I'm not going to do anything. So i drink and drink and sit and sit and play and play. I joke and joke to laugh and laugh hoping I might forget the pain. I smoke. I smoke. Smoke. Smoke. Smoke. But you smoked when things are good Andre, so what excuse do you have now?

There was a lady who called animal services on my dog Bigdoggy and made my mom pay a fee for reasons beyond knowing, but I attribute them towards personal grotesqueness. She built fences in between our houses and never asked for our permission to do so. It was an intrusive fence. Bricks and metal bars. The workers left all their residue on our side of the fence and never fixed it. I recall playing it was used to be a lawn, mixing cement and dirt that she never cleaned up. They always littered on our property because we didn't have the ability to keep it up. She left dirt on our side and pavement on hers. She eventually built metal bars in our backyard as well. The only reasons we received for her actions were invalid, made-up grudges and saw us as her enemy years later.

I went down to her house when I went to visit an old friend who lived on that same street the other week. I fulfilled some of my vengeful fantasies, but at minimal cost. Maybe I'm entertaining this thought too much.

Ironically, she attended the church I now attend.

The fault finder will always find faults, even in paradise.

Anna saw the best of me because I marketing myself to show my strengths. She applied for the position and so did I. Our relationship started like most of my jobs, first I am full of ambition and obedience, then I get used to my job and see what I can get away with, then I usually realize I wouldn't be going anywhere and eventually lose interest in the company. She kept her interest in the company, while I ended up being the slacker that showed up whenever he wanted.


Where did I go? I'm a ghost. I don't exist.

I dont dance anymore. That's the only thing that moved me forward. Fuck everything else, really.
I still want to kill myself, but knowing the pain my mom would feel knowing her only son was dead, keeps me alive.

I dont want to die, I just want to stop fucking up. I want to stop thinking bad things. I want to be happy and open and remain that way. I want to be driven, I wan't to believe in myself.

But I doubt, and therefore, I fail.

And then I get tired of being in the slow class, and try to break free from the bounds of my fatalist thought patterns.

And I actually do, for a good while.

Until I relapse and get stuck with myself, once again.