In Other News

• I've been sober officially for 26 days, and have not acted out any anger for those same 26 days. Now the next step is finding new ways to express my anger instead of holding it all in. I've been listening to the audiobook "The Power of Now" and look forward to downloading more self help audio books. I notice my mind drifts to pointless thoughts when I'm driving listening to songs I've heard hundreds of times before. Why not take advantage of the idle moment and upload new information?

• I haven't looked at porn or jacked off in five days. I don't even allow myself to get aroused mentally as not to risk a relapse. I also found this article about a guy who used to own a porn site and how he overcame his addiction.

• I've attended Marijuana Anonymous every week. Honestly, I don't even want to smoke anymore. I like having drive and mental clarity and actually remembering shit. I just go to the meetings for support in other aspects in my life, not just sobriety.

• I only play games on the weekend now, and honestly, I'm not all that engaged in them. When it's sleeptime I can simply go to sleep. It's nice to actually go to sleep now, not pass out from being too high, or exhaustion from over-masturbation.

• My conversations with people are so much more engaging than they used to be.

• The class that was keeping me from continuing school, magically opened up, and I was able to add it. Although it's four weeks into the semester, I'll just have to grind and make up for missed material. At least ill be able to continue next semester and be eligible for financial aid. High five Jesus!

• I took a dance class at IDA the other night, and didn't suck as bad as I thought.

Now that I'm sober, though, I'm aware of a lot more things I need to change. Without a single day off in my schedule, this will be a hectic season. I really need to make sure I take time to meditate and de-stress and not waste my attention on thoughts that don't serve me. I really want to meet new people and become more outgoing, confident, brave, and determined. I need balls. I need guts. I realized there are many fears and insecurities in me that I have used my addictions to bury and I plan on overcoming them.

My mind is so used to thinking negative that I easily fall into the old beaten paths of my old ways of thought and emotion. I spend a lot of time by myself and I hate it. The more I'm by myself, the more I think bad, and the more bad about myself, the more I get negative, the more I do negative things. It's a vicious cycle and I want to figure out how to break it.

There was a time when I was the exact opposite. Yet of course my "friends" at the time did everything they could to bring me down. I also was alone most of the time. I didn't start getting negative until I tried to be "cool" and get into the commercial dance world and make friends.

Too much fucking self thought.  my fucking head is going to explode. Time to go meditate and study.

Realignment

This week has been a shakier one for me. I stayed strong to my commitment of working out, eating well, and not smoking. Actually, those three things are coming quite naturally and aren't much of a challenge at all. I'm quickly building strength and am really benefiting from power lifting. It helps with my anger because, as opposed to many other workouts, it requires and intense amount of power and energy in one explosive movement. I use about every ounce of energy in my body at once to power a barbell above my head like I'm a fireman lifting a burning plank over my head, or push the bar off my chest like I was trapped under a boulder, or squat with my back in tact with hundred of pounds of weights on my shoulder like I was carrying a dead soldier on the battlefield. The explosiveness of it compares to the rage of my anger, and being able to focus on form is like a meditation in itself.

Also, for some strange reason, I haven't freaked out or had a manic episode since I stopped smoking. Coincidence? I mean, it's in combination with other efforts I've put in to change, and I'm sure having a clearer head has allowed me to control it more. I also just know in my mind that I just cant get angry. I can't let my anger build to that point, otherwise I will lose control, and the primitive violent wiring that has been set in my brain will reactivate itself, and I'll lose everything I've worked for.


I won't lie as if I haven't had angry or violent thoughts. They march throughout the back of my mind all day and night. Last night I had some pretty violent dreams starring some people I loved very much. Upon waking I've realized that entertaining these thoughts in my waking life has penetrated my subconscious. I'm finding it easier and easier to get angry about certain people as I had before, and it seems to be an endless cycle unless I do something about it.

I really miss my ex girlfriend. I was with her every day of the year. My heart, my thoughts, and my existence was split in half with hers. It was an intense and beautiful relationship, though shortly lived. It's hard sometimes, actually, a lot of the time. When I keep my mind focused I feel okay, like when I'm at work, or at the gym, or doing something creative. At the end of the week though, when everyone is out with their friends, I can't help but get sucked in by a deep loneliness. My outings to bars haven't been very fulfilling, and actually leave me feeling worse when I get home. Sometimes I wish that we could be together again, and that I could start new with her, free of my infirmities and in a truly happy, fulfilled state. She has new friends now though, and new goals, and probably a new lover, so the best I can do is just stay focused on my life and move on.

That being said, I don't really need to worry too much about social achievements right now. The thoughts of my perceived social inadequacies I'm experiencing sends me straight into a downward spiral of emotion. I've got some more confidence and determination in me, but that doesn't mean the journey within, and the transformation I'm trying to undergo, is over. I didn't meditate, read, pray, or write too much this week. My thoughts have been a lot wilder and out of my control. I've had way more road rage encounters, and my endeavor not to masturbate has not seen any progress. In fact, the depression I've been experiencing has made me want to use porn and masturbation as a temporary fix more than before, being that I no longer have marijuana to turn to.

I don't know if it's withdrawals, or loneliness, or stress, or uncertainty, or maybe all of the above. The service at Church today really lifted me up though. I embraced a sense of gratitude towards the Creator, and instead of feeling shameful or pitiful, I made a decision to be grateful and thankful. Within my soul, it made a world of a difference, breaking up my sadness into smaller, easier get rid of, pieces. Perhaps I should spend some time doing a "gratitude meditation".

Thankfully enough, my director at work let me take another day off in the week so I could have more time to do my community service. Getting up at 5 am to paint over graffiti for 8 hours is going to be rough, but I look forward to it. I was told that charity produces a good feeling within oneself, and I look forward to having a positive attitude towards restoring the beauty of the city. No hate against graffiti art, but "tagging" is just lame and ugly.  I also recall "rising with the sun" and witnessing the beauty of watching the day begin from my Venice High School days. Henry David Thoreau once said "An early-morning walk is a blessing for the whole day".

This first week of my internship has not been as fun as I expected. I mean, honestly, it's the best internship I've ever had so far, but I'm beginning to question whether or not I was to spend the rest of my life sitting in an office in front of my computer nine hours a day, five days a week. However, it's just been the first week. I'm ready to grind harder and see what jewels I discover.

Last week was a bit of a slowdown, so I want to make sure I use this week to pick the pace back up and refocus on my transformation. I'm not done yet, and this is probably one of the most vital experiences one can possibly undergo. It's life nearest to the core. Reprogramming your mind isn't easy.

Planning on attending yoga after my internship tomorrow, attending meditation class Tuesday night, continuing my workout routines, eating well, going to my DUI classes, and attending marijuana anonymous. Most of all however, I sincerely want to go deep, deep within myself, and find a determination to stop masturbating to porn. My attempts so far have had no real soulful foundation. I don't want this to be an "attempt" I want this to be a decision.

"Do, or do not. There is no try" -Yoda

New Workout Plan

Now a little less than a year ago I committed to doing the P90X for about 60 days and got some pretty good results. Went from 20% to 12% body fat. Built a lot of cardio, strength, and went from 190lbs to 164lbs. I worked out about 6 days a week, many of those days doing doubles or triples (two or three separate hour-or-more long workouts the same day).

What I wasn't a big fan of, though, was some of the extra strain I was putting on various body parts. I felt like I was powering through a lot of my weightlifting workouts without giving enough attention to proper alignment, body control, nor did I feel like I was able to monitor my strength gains very well. I also got hurt a number of time being that I didn't feel strong enough for the workouts and over-exerted myself as to not look like a pussy at the gym with light weights.

This year I wanted to do something different. The results I got from P90X were great, but I'm bored of those workouts. My main goal is fat loss. Some people recommend I do 40-60 mins of cardio 5 days a week, but after trying that out for 2 weeks and avoiding weightlifting, I didn't get the results I wanted besides increasing stamina. So I decided to go back to weightlifting.

Here's my argument. Lifting weights burns calories. It take your body a lot of energy to push through heavy weights. Between sets, you're still burning calories as your body is recovering for the next set. After your workout, your body is still burning calories throughout the day, and as you sleep, for days on end until your muscles are fully recovered. Your heart doesn't burn fat, muscles burn fat. The more muscle you have, the more energy your body needs to power your muscles, and thus the more calories your body will burn in order to produce work. The more muscle you gain, the more calories you're burning.

The buff bodybuilder running on the treadmill at 6mph is actually burning more calories than the lean runner on the treadmill going at 8mph. Cardio only really targets fat burning during the workout, but doesn't continually burn calories throughout the day the way that muscles recovering do. I can do an hour of low intensity cardio and burn X amount of calories, or I can lift weight a burn X calories plus the the calories my body will use to repair those muscles. Same with high-intensity interval training. I might burn less by doing high-intensity cardio for 45 mins, but my metabolism will be raised higher and I will ending up burning more throughout the day, especially with the more muscle I have.

I got very buff and ripped in high school with this method and find that I get really good results when I do weightlifting in combination with other exercise as opposed to strictly cardio. Cardio is great for improving stamina, endurance, and cardiovascular strength, but I would argue against Arnold Schwarzenegger that I can't lose weight or burn fat just by lifting alone.

Most of the Fat-Buff Bear guys you see don't get that way just from lifting, it's mostly because they lift without following a proper diet regiment. A lot of them drink weight gainers, have a high-caloric diet, or ingest a lot of carbs and therefore have their metabolism slowed down.


For the last 2 weeks I've been following a Barbell Training program called Starting Strength. It's similar to what olympic power lifters do: mostly a series of Squats, Bench Presses, Deadlifts, Shoulder Presses, and Power Cleans. I liked the idea of building foundational strength first before trying to sculpt. I wanted to get my glutes stronger as I sit down all day and it's caused me to have lower back problems. I wanted to develop a good awareness of proper bench pressing, deadlifting, and doing other workouts that have been prescribed to athletes for so long.

When doing the P90X I found myself getting hurt a lot and being disconnected from my core. I'm not interested in bulking up or toning right now, but rather building actual strength & power for me to have under my belts when I do in fact wish to switch to more prettyboy workouts like bicep curls, shoulder flys, calf raises, tricep extensions, etc.

It's also just something new, and I enjoy doing it. I don't enjoy endless cardio. I don't enjoy endless weightlifting routines with tons of different exercises. I find that I'm more likely to stick to a workout that I actually enjoy, so why not stay with it if I'm more likely to succeed that way? I like the result I have so far, but of course, I'm experience the compulsory lower back spasms that I get whenever I start a new workout, but with this, I'm making my lower back and glutes STRONGER, not just straining them as an undesired consequence due to poor posture in other workouts.

I'm doing cardio on my off-days. I know you're not supposed to do too much cardio when trying to build muscle, but I find it important that my stamina and endurance be increased, so I'm will to sacrifice some muscle to be able to push harder in other things. I'm just doing continuous cardio for 40 mins at around 165-185 heartbeats per minute and will do high-intensity interval training after I've built enough cardiovascular strength.

My diet is also a Primal/Paleo diet. In short, it's a diet of strictly plants and animals. No bread, no grains, no pasta, no candy, no junk food, no cookies, no cheese, but yes milk. Carbs are basically more complex sugars. The carbs found in gluten slow our metabolism down by signaling our body to release insulin and take energy from our protein storages (muscle) instead of fat. The carbs found in vegatable and plants are much more preferable to our bodies. It's basically the diet our bodies have adjusted to for over two million years, before the recent introduction of grains, gluten foods, refined sugar, candy, and other poisons that civilization has fed us. Gluten-based foods and breads did not appear until about 10,000 years ago, along with the introduction agriculture. Evolution takes a long time and our brains and bodies have not yet developed as fast as our agriculture, technology, and way of life.

Of course, I wont be a crazy diet-freak about it. I'll make exceptions, let myself cheat now and then, eat a sweet, drink a beer, or have a bowl of spaghetti. I really think a lot of people develop strange eating disorders from following too strict of diets. Also, stressing yourself out too much over what you eat goes against the whole principle of health. It also just makes sense to me.

So for the next month and a half I'll be doing barbell workouts, focused on three sets of five reps, for each workout, just to build strength. Once I get as strong as I'd like, I'll switch to bodybuilder dumbell workouts and doing sets of 8-10. I'll do that for a month and a half (or more if it feels right) as well while continuing the Primal diet with the intentions of mainly building muscle.

After that, depending on my results thus far and how I feel, I plan on switching to a high fat KETO diet. It's a diet that allows no more than 50g of carbs a day, is high in fat, and permits a moderate amount of protein in ratio to the amount of lean body mass I currently have. Starving the body of carbs will put it into a "starving state" in which it will metabolize the high resources of fat in my body along with the fat in my diet. I've been doing a lot of research on this and thought this would be considerable as it keeps the body from metabolizing muscle while losing weight. During this "keto" phase I'm not yet sure if I'll be more cardio-focused, as I would by then have a lot of muscle to burn fat with, or if I'll be doing the same thing. I'll have to see.

Eventually I'll return to a regular diet with minimalized amounts of sugar, carbs, and fat. Mostly having protein at the top of my chain with lots of healthy raw fruits and vegetables.


My goal is to be in poolside shape my June. I don't think that far ahead though. Just one day at a time. Of course I'll also be mixing in yoga, dance, TRX training, pilates, etc.

But now it's time for the most important part... REST!!!