Realignment

This week has been a shakier one for me. I stayed strong to my commitment of working out, eating well, and not smoking. Actually, those three things are coming quite naturally and aren't much of a challenge at all. I'm quickly building strength and am really benefiting from power lifting. It helps with my anger because, as opposed to many other workouts, it requires and intense amount of power and energy in one explosive movement. I use about every ounce of energy in my body at once to power a barbell above my head like I'm a fireman lifting a burning plank over my head, or push the bar off my chest like I was trapped under a boulder, or squat with my back in tact with hundred of pounds of weights on my shoulder like I was carrying a dead soldier on the battlefield. The explosiveness of it compares to the rage of my anger, and being able to focus on form is like a meditation in itself.

Also, for some strange reason, I haven't freaked out or had a manic episode since I stopped smoking. Coincidence? I mean, it's in combination with other efforts I've put in to change, and I'm sure having a clearer head has allowed me to control it more. I also just know in my mind that I just cant get angry. I can't let my anger build to that point, otherwise I will lose control, and the primitive violent wiring that has been set in my brain will reactivate itself, and I'll lose everything I've worked for.


I won't lie as if I haven't had angry or violent thoughts. They march throughout the back of my mind all day and night. Last night I had some pretty violent dreams starring some people I loved very much. Upon waking I've realized that entertaining these thoughts in my waking life has penetrated my subconscious. I'm finding it easier and easier to get angry about certain people as I had before, and it seems to be an endless cycle unless I do something about it.

I really miss my ex girlfriend. I was with her every day of the year. My heart, my thoughts, and my existence was split in half with hers. It was an intense and beautiful relationship, though shortly lived. It's hard sometimes, actually, a lot of the time. When I keep my mind focused I feel okay, like when I'm at work, or at the gym, or doing something creative. At the end of the week though, when everyone is out with their friends, I can't help but get sucked in by a deep loneliness. My outings to bars haven't been very fulfilling, and actually leave me feeling worse when I get home. Sometimes I wish that we could be together again, and that I could start new with her, free of my infirmities and in a truly happy, fulfilled state. She has new friends now though, and new goals, and probably a new lover, so the best I can do is just stay focused on my life and move on.

That being said, I don't really need to worry too much about social achievements right now. The thoughts of my perceived social inadequacies I'm experiencing sends me straight into a downward spiral of emotion. I've got some more confidence and determination in me, but that doesn't mean the journey within, and the transformation I'm trying to undergo, is over. I didn't meditate, read, pray, or write too much this week. My thoughts have been a lot wilder and out of my control. I've had way more road rage encounters, and my endeavor not to masturbate has not seen any progress. In fact, the depression I've been experiencing has made me want to use porn and masturbation as a temporary fix more than before, being that I no longer have marijuana to turn to.

I don't know if it's withdrawals, or loneliness, or stress, or uncertainty, or maybe all of the above. The service at Church today really lifted me up though. I embraced a sense of gratitude towards the Creator, and instead of feeling shameful or pitiful, I made a decision to be grateful and thankful. Within my soul, it made a world of a difference, breaking up my sadness into smaller, easier get rid of, pieces. Perhaps I should spend some time doing a "gratitude meditation".

Thankfully enough, my director at work let me take another day off in the week so I could have more time to do my community service. Getting up at 5 am to paint over graffiti for 8 hours is going to be rough, but I look forward to it. I was told that charity produces a good feeling within oneself, and I look forward to having a positive attitude towards restoring the beauty of the city. No hate against graffiti art, but "tagging" is just lame and ugly.  I also recall "rising with the sun" and witnessing the beauty of watching the day begin from my Venice High School days. Henry David Thoreau once said "An early-morning walk is a blessing for the whole day".

This first week of my internship has not been as fun as I expected. I mean, honestly, it's the best internship I've ever had so far, but I'm beginning to question whether or not I was to spend the rest of my life sitting in an office in front of my computer nine hours a day, five days a week. However, it's just been the first week. I'm ready to grind harder and see what jewels I discover.

Last week was a bit of a slowdown, so I want to make sure I use this week to pick the pace back up and refocus on my transformation. I'm not done yet, and this is probably one of the most vital experiences one can possibly undergo. It's life nearest to the core. Reprogramming your mind isn't easy.

Planning on attending yoga after my internship tomorrow, attending meditation class Tuesday night, continuing my workout routines, eating well, going to my DUI classes, and attending marijuana anonymous. Most of all however, I sincerely want to go deep, deep within myself, and find a determination to stop masturbating to porn. My attempts so far have had no real soulful foundation. I don't want this to be an "attempt" I want this to be a decision.

"Do, or do not. There is no try" -Yoda