In Other News

• I've been sober officially for 26 days, and have not acted out any anger for those same 26 days. Now the next step is finding new ways to express my anger instead of holding it all in. I've been listening to the audiobook "The Power of Now" and look forward to downloading more self help audio books. I notice my mind drifts to pointless thoughts when I'm driving listening to songs I've heard hundreds of times before. Why not take advantage of the idle moment and upload new information?

• I haven't looked at porn or jacked off in five days. I don't even allow myself to get aroused mentally as not to risk a relapse. I also found this article about a guy who used to own a porn site and how he overcame his addiction.

• I've attended Marijuana Anonymous every week. Honestly, I don't even want to smoke anymore. I like having drive and mental clarity and actually remembering shit. I just go to the meetings for support in other aspects in my life, not just sobriety.

• I only play games on the weekend now, and honestly, I'm not all that engaged in them. When it's sleeptime I can simply go to sleep. It's nice to actually go to sleep now, not pass out from being too high, or exhaustion from over-masturbation.

• My conversations with people are so much more engaging than they used to be.

• The class that was keeping me from continuing school, magically opened up, and I was able to add it. Although it's four weeks into the semester, I'll just have to grind and make up for missed material. At least ill be able to continue next semester and be eligible for financial aid. High five Jesus!

• I took a dance class at IDA the other night, and didn't suck as bad as I thought.

Now that I'm sober, though, I'm aware of a lot more things I need to change. Without a single day off in my schedule, this will be a hectic season. I really need to make sure I take time to meditate and de-stress and not waste my attention on thoughts that don't serve me. I really want to meet new people and become more outgoing, confident, brave, and determined. I need balls. I need guts. I realized there are many fears and insecurities in me that I have used my addictions to bury and I plan on overcoming them.

My mind is so used to thinking negative that I easily fall into the old beaten paths of my old ways of thought and emotion. I spend a lot of time by myself and I hate it. The more I'm by myself, the more I think bad, and the more bad about myself, the more I get negative, the more I do negative things. It's a vicious cycle and I want to figure out how to break it.

There was a time when I was the exact opposite. Yet of course my "friends" at the time did everything they could to bring me down. I also was alone most of the time. I didn't start getting negative until I tried to be "cool" and get into the commercial dance world and make friends.

Too much fucking self thought.  my fucking head is going to explode. Time to go meditate and study.