How did that Happen?

So I'll be brave enough to admit that I've spent a small little bit of time on studying Pick-Up Artisty, or in other words, seduction techniques. I mean, if theres tips for looking professional, or presenting a speech, or presenting yourself more or less intimidating, or any other "learned" social behavior, then theres gotta be ways to improve your dating game too.

On a Friday night I had gotten ready to put my plans into motion, after having testing out some thing I learned in the field. I was supposed to go to a show with this one chick, but she flaked and didn't answer the texts. However, I still wanted to make something happen. I texted the girl who flaked that I was on the way to a spot in Venice with another girl, and of course she responds suddenly saying she was napping. Yeah Right.

At the Venice show, which in reality I went by myself, my self-awareness was high. I was so aware of my body language, and eye contact that I was able to establish an "all the girls here want my cock" kind of atitude.

Then, somehow, I was dancing and just having fun, and girls tried to grab my attention, and by the end of the night I had a good convo and grabbed a number.

But yo, that like, never happens for me. Usually clubs are just a overstimulating atmosphere where I neither dance like I want to, nor get me some like I want to. I'll admit, my club game isn't on point, and possibly for a number of reasons, but I want to find out why and change that so I can still go out and have fun.

I was just glad that, for the first time in a long time, I didn't end up driving home pissed off.

Drink Light

It was day 87 of my sobriety and an unexpected but not unknown sense of relaxation had dominated my nervous system. In the weeks past my DXM trip, my ability not to give a fuck had increased significantly. With such an ability, however, came some consequences:

Stress, I must sometimes realize, pushes us to do things and prioritize our tasks better. The compliment of stress is feeling good about yourself knowing you've disciplined yourself enough to accomplish tasks. The negatives however, could take a toll on you.

I've been getting crazy gains at the gym. The other night these dudes were deadlifting on the squat right, so I tried to butt them out. We agreed to work in sets, and when it was my turn, I felt a strong surge of burning pain go up the back of my next, explode into the back of my head, and start chewing away at the rest of my brain.

It felt like the Hillside Strangler has made me one of his victims, and as I squatted, sent gallons of dead blood into my skull into my brain started to stroke from the lack of oxygen. I blacked out.

When I came to, all I could do is sit. The rest of my workout was not as intense. I grabbed water, and went slower, still having this lingering feeling of someone shaking can of thumbtacks in the back of my eyes.

Next workout two days later I almost blacked out again while bench pressing. Trainer said it could be due to a number of things: Stress, not enough water, food, nutrition, rest, and testosterone.
Before both of those workouts I jacked off and came multiple times before my workout. I usually save it for post-workout relief, as lower testosterone decreases your strength. When I jacked off later that night the same tremendous headache came back, but worse, far worse.
I decided to take a break. Needed time to recover my muscles, get more nutrition, rest more, and not jack off to build more testosterone. The trainer told me that jacking off would halt my fitness progress, as more estrogen leads to beer bellies and bitch-tits.

But it's the last hump I've yet to get over. Jacking off to internet porn.

So on day 87 of my sobriety, chilling on the couch in her South LA apartment, I decided to take it hit. The effect was nothing unfamiliar. I took another hit the next day at Coachella, another hit in the Sahara tent the day after that, and another hit during The Weeknd's sunday sunset show.

After I got back I took a few more hits, throughout the week, up until 4/20, and into Today.

I don't really want to get high, even though I do. The lusts of the flesh are so enticing when loneliness and rejection are experienced.

I really missed her Grape Juice Smile at Coachella. I wish we were still sitting on that Strawberry Swing. It sucked being alone in such a big place, and getting sick, and getting dissed by a musical artist I'd been a fan of for so long. I finally broke down in my tent Friday night realizing that the Coachella dream I had wasn't going to come true this year. Life's hard, but all I can do is enjoy what there is to enjoy, and suffer what there is to suffer.

To know myself and love myself.

I wish I was just a little better at making friends and keeping them.

I arrested my development this week and now I'm finding myself in a holding cell with the usual suspects: gluttony, lust, laziness, overthought, paranoia, and mania.

I don't want to get drunk tonight. What's the point of going to a party when I'm not fulfilled in myself to make myself an enjoyable person to be around?

I just want to drink light.

How I Drive To Work

Sparks

I'm not sure how it happened but

during my trips the last few days

a greater sense of being and self worth has found me

Through my introspection

I discovered how high I place exterior desires above my own self

as if these other things were more valuable

than I am

After venting on a forum

I became aware of how frustrated I was about

social success

and realized

my self-success, or

inner-game, or

self-worth, or

self-love and fulfillment

had been lacking.

As I sat on my roof

I asked myself

"Why

do you allow yourself

to be pulled 

in so many directions

by things outside of you?"

"Why are you

letting

so many

outside forces

disturb your peace?"

When I came back to my apartment and listened to the music.

When I closed my eyes and began to fly.

I wondered what happened to all my utopian urges.

Had they all been curbed by the desire for gain?

Have I been trying to hard to impress this or that person, to get to this place or that place?

Free your mind.

I recovered this note I typed to myself during the experience

What happened to your original plan? Working on yourself so much and improving yourself so much, being so awesome and talented and beautiful and joyful and uplifting and kindhearted THAT PEOPLE WANT YOU AROUND, THAT YOURE WANTED, WANTED, WANTED WANTED WANTED. THAT THEY WANT YOU. WORK ON YOU MAN, YOU’RE THE CENTER OF YOUR OWN BEAUTIFUL UNIVERSE. ALWAYS SEE BEAUTY AND DREAMS. SHOW YOUR DREAMS TO THE WORLD THAT WILL FOLLOW AND BELIEVE.

I pray on remaining deeply rooted, while having a mind and heart flexible enough to be moved, but never broken.

As stated by Sophocles in Eodipus Rex "The stiff heart breaks the soonest"

Close Your Eyes

So I wanted to sip a magic potion
Copped that Robotussin and chugged it down to get that Scissor AKA DXM
Got online to double check I drank the right shit
Internet said "Hey bro, you drank the wrong thing. Now you're gonna be puking and throwing up all night. Good job."
I only chugged half the bottle so I was like fuck it, I'll be fine.
I went a picked up the correct potion
came back
and downed it

The high set in
my feet left the ground
but during my high a fear came upon me
I felt like I was overdosing

Looking back, I was probably fine
But I was tripping balls
And a sudden diahrrea and nausea hit me
Fucked up me trip
and freaked me out

Scared some people by telling them I might be
overdosing
A friend came by to babysit
made a decision to puke it all it
as I settled down
and had a wonderful trip

For the first time in a long time
I had a limitless imagination of beautiful thoughts.
I could close my eyes and have a lucid dream
I put on my headphones and I would fly into another world

Many good memories came back to me
I rediscovered dreams I had once built but gave up on
I revisited the lands of fantasies I had abandoned
And a great joy expanded

It felt like peter pan in the movie hook
Remembering I was pan
Remembering I had an imagination
Learning how to fly again

The pirates of bad thoughts couldn't take me under
As desire for beauty and job spread through me

I saw myself in third person
And then I saw myself
Fill with light
and then I just saw a flash
Everything was illuminated

The best part
was listening to Bebel Gilberto
Flying through Brazil
Revisiting dreams of escaping into beautiful landscape, nature, dancing, women, people

Since then I've found it easier to be positive
I'm vigiland that there lies a shadow under all this positivty
But, I don't know
I feel like the edge has decreased
I feel like I reconnected to a joy of imagination and a hope of good things and self love that, I feel less attached to the world
And more attached to myself
and my dreams

I wa't to learn to keep achieving this state
but without chugging cough medicine

The Second Relapse

I dropped an anchor
on accident
Sailing across the sea to find
new land
Storms did not deter our voyage
as much as
our fears.

Come back to the deck
where we can see
the stars.
I spent too many
summers
down in the hull.

Captain,

Captain,

Where are you going?

The night was black
How did I
forget
to be guided
by the stars?

Sinking under a lit sky
my lungs begin to fill with water
I don't know which way is up
Hope I awake
in the right place.

Trippin Balls Bro