We Have To Go Deeper

Every week life seems to be giving me new problems to work with, but I've been determined to craft them as tools to help me get to the core of my fears, concerns, beliefs, mental complexes, and desires. I welcome the fire of pain, as to burn away the flesh and better expose the bone.

The practices I've been using to help me deal with such give me an opportunity to dust off the layers of dirt blotching the light of my soul, and allow me to better see the illumination occuring within myself, and shine through therein.

Temet Nosce or in other words "Know Thyself", is an insightful concept I'm determinant to pursue. I can't use an instrument if I don't know what sounds it makes, how it reacts to my movements, how to fine-tune it, and how it will serve me. The same can be said with the mind and the body, I'm trying to understand who I am. How can I change who I am, if I am not even aware of what I am?

I close my eyes and go inside.

One of the emotions I've been struggling with aside from anger, has been loneliness. It sucks looking back at my week, or looking down at my phone with no missed calls or texts, without a person to hang out with, talk to, or enjoy life with. I know, this too, shall pass, but when I acquire connections, how long will they last?

I go through people faster than a roll of toilet paper. People don't stick around too long. Maybe I don't stick around people too long either. I've always been an outcast, and thus, seeing myself as an outcast has caused me to alienate myself in manners parallel to the way people choose to alienate me. My therapist brought it to my attention that such a perspective has manifested itself, causing me to see myself as distant from other people.

The greatest thing on earth love. Not to be mistaken with romance, love, to me, is the most rewarding goal of all. What's the point in having a nice car if I'm the only one ever driving it? What's a big house without friends to have a backyard barbecue with? Why have a King size bed but sleep on it alone for years? What the point in having money without anyone to spend it with?

It's a feeling I'm all too familiar with. I close my eyes and meditate on it to understand it, and everything gets black. The seamstress of my mind spills dye on every thought. The texture, form, and shape is still there, it just lacks illumination. However, a red ember glows from within this blackness, and I discover a different joy, an acceptance and contentness with isolation--a joy of solitude.

Yeshua said in a very popular work of literature that "The kingdom of heaven is within you". In solitude. Another figure had wrote that there is no greater journey but the journey within.

May I know God, by knowing myself. And Love God by loving and being one with the Atma, the spirit that is in all of us, and that is God. I cannot fully love anyone without loving myself, and cannot be loved, without being loving. If God is Love, then may I know God, may God Love me, and may I know to Love God, and learn to Love myself.

I wish to bring love into my life, but like a waiter in a restaraunt, I can't fill any glasses unless my own pitcher is full. The same book I quoted also read "Let patience have its perfect work, so that you may be complete, lacking nothing" So I've decided to find happiness within my own loneliness, yet still feeding a desire to reach out. Staying deeply rooted while still reading toward the sun with joy.

Which brings me to my rediscovered inspiration:

Watching Inception, I recall Dom Cobbs taking the Ariadne through a dream sequence as she reconstructed the space around her. She recreated some sort of bridge that Dom Cobbs had recognized before, and he had a vivid flashback with himself and his wife Mal. He then told Ariadne "Never recreate from memory, always imagine new places!"

I found that I dwell on past memories, or past experiences, and use those thoughts to fill in prospects of what may occur in the future. Sometimes I envision good things happening, like dancing well or having a specific experience repeated, other times I anticipate a certain failure or betrayal. Seeing this as a defeatist form of thought, I decided I'm going to try and imagine new outcomes and new possibilities.

This is incredibily difficult for me to do, as I, like many aged souls, have been strongly conditioned by my past experiences. Sobriety, however, has allowed me to be free from such chains and ventures off the worn paths of the mind, blazing a new trail of joyful experiences, fueled by a faith that these ventures will be worthwhile.

I look forward to a new world I've yet to discover. To imagine new possibilites and go fourth into the new fronteirs of thought. May my life be a place where reality and dreams collide. I don't want to escape anymore. I don't want to run away from the pain. I don't want to silence the cries of the soul.

The way out is the way in.

Closing with another Dom Cobbs quote as his team paniced about the state of the possible failure of their mission, deciding that going deeper into the dream was their only solution:

"Downwards is the only way forward."

60 Days Of Inhaling Only Air, I want to tell you something....

....but I'm really too damn busy to make a whole post. This is part of what has helped me make it this far: GET BUSY. Be too damn busy to smoke, knowing that if you smoked, you wouldn't have your shit together. REJECT MEDIOCRITY be the best at what you're doing, be the shit! GO HARD OR GO HOME. Work so hard, workout, study, look for advice, find your soul, meditate, whatever, do it so hard core that you don't even have room for weed to slow you down!!

I even have dreams I smoke, and In my dream, I GET PISSED FOR SMOKING. When I wake up sober I'm relieved, glad I committed to my decision. 

Find a reason DEEP DEEP DEEP IN YOURSELF!! WHO DO YOU WANT TO BECOME? WHAT DO YOU WANT IN YOUR LIFE? HOW WILL QUITTING HELP YOU GET THAT? ARE YOU WILLING TO MAKE THE SACRIFICE?

If youre worried about a piss test or your parents or family, chances are you will relapse eventually. DO IT FOR YOU AND NO ONE ELSE.

Seek a better life.

STILL KEEP GETTING HIGH!!! JUST NOT OFF OF DRUGS!! Get high off doing the things you love, get high off pursuing happiness, get high off increasing your abilities, talents, creating, refining you skills, accomplishing goals. Maybe you had a long day at work and just want to feel good? Good. Theres another way to feel good, to MAKE yourself feel good by IMPROVING YOURSELF EACH DAY. 

Theres far too many resources, too much information, too much for you to do than to be sitting there getting high letting the world pass you by.

I know its hard at first, but dig deep, deep, deep inside yourself. KILL YOUR SMALLER SELF, SO THAT YOU BIGGER SELF MAY EMERGE.

Just do it. Yesterday you said tomorrow. Go fourth and do not look back. 

Be Muhammad Ali:

When you step into the ring and life hits you with a hard punch and knocks you down, remember to be to the person you want to be, commit to your deepest self, and plan to get back up before you even enter the ring. PLAN TO GET BACK UP FROM THE START, AND KEEP FIGHTING. The universe will not let you down and the fruits of perseverance will always be the juiciest.

Stay thirsty, my friends.

Maintenance

Alright so this has been a good week. I got so much I wanna say but not enough time. Still making steps forward at my internship, but I got a correction that I'm taking too many steps forward? what? a hater move or advice? I was told I was being too corporate and needed to relax, both with my cordial vernacular as well as my dress code. I heard that I was going around networking too hard and not committing to my department, that I was being too aggressive with trying to branch out to do other things, but, hey, I'm not graduating yet, I'm not getting paid, so I was just tryin to do my thang.

But I get it, I need to keep in mind the goal of simply being a likeable person so people can remember me and be willing to allow me to use them as a reference. To relax and be myself instead of being an uptight corporate robot so that people can get to know me and even trust me more for who I am instead of putting on this facade. So I came back with a little more swag: lost the tie and the corporate shoes, talked in a more relaxed, yet fun tone. Stopped being such a tool, but still not being a douche, and not being so nervous about my impression, but rather being in touch with a confidence that I got it under control, but humbly wearing an awareness that I'm still not perfect and am open to improvements and corrections.

I had a meeting with marketing this morning that went awesome, met with an account executive in a different department, talked to numerous people in my department, am helping to coordinate a focus group, met with some people at HR so now they know me by name, am planning to meet with more people, have sat in at all the intern events and shaking hands with all the speakers, forwarded interesting articles to my bosses, made team efforts with fellow interns, had lunch with the research department which was fucking delicious, have been learning a lot about my department, and honestly, may consider coming back to this company.

At first I was competitive with other interns, but I realized, it's better for me to be really nice and take advantage of the chance to show good teamwork skills, instead of giving a could shoulder and seeming like a dick. The only person I'm competing with is myself.

I also got a correction that all these things I'm doing is fine, I just need to be more smooth about it. So this week my goal is to communicate more with my supervisor, to be more committed to my department, and to go above and beyond, without seeming like I'm trying so hard to go above and beyond.

Like Kanye said "Cause when you try hard, that's when you die hard"

Buddha In The Passenger Seat

So I've been working with my friend once  a week to help me out, and one thing I really wanted to work out was my road rage. I started becoming increasingly aware of this after a road rage encounter I had today, and during some of my withdrawals, I noticed I could be having a good day, then immediately after I got in my car I would start feeling angry, agitated, and agressive.

I could go a whole day at work with nothing but present and sound thoughts, but the moment I'd get in my car the thoughts would immediately turn ugly.

I'll admit it, I'm an aggressive driver. I know the fastest way to get to where I'm going, and will settle at nothing but getting there as quick as possible. People say weaving through traffic only saves about 5 minutes, but when you do about 20-30 of those manuevers, you can get places at least half an hour earlier than those suckers sitting in bumper to bumper.

I got my freeway patterns down to a science, but I always feel tense when the streets don't flow the way I've predetermined them to. I make lefts right when the light turns green if oncoming traffic isnt accelerating fast enough, I go around people that aren't making rights at red lights like they're supposed to, I sweep through freeway exit lanes just to weave back in when it ends, I fuck around on the right turn only lane just to weave in while going through the intersection. Yellow lights? Lol, more like ultra-fast green lights.

I cut off the fuckers driving to slow in the far left lane, I weave between lanes depending on which exits I pass and knowing how the flow of traffic changes depending on freeway merges, congested entrances, etc. I get mad when pussies stop at yellow lights. Lol someone trying to cut me off in a zipper merge? Have fun getting damage to your BMW, I'm just in my bucket?

People waiting in line to get off the freeway? Lol I just sweep up to the front and cut everybody off when some sucker isnt paying attention and leaves me a gap to swerve on it.


Trust me, I'm legit about it. I never slowdown traffic, I never put anyone at risk, and I never cause anyone to slam their brakes or honk they're horns.


I see people trying to do such maneuvers, and when they do it wrong it pisses me off. But when I see other people driving like me I think "that guy is cool". Actually, us aggressive drivers can spot each other out on the road, and even race each other sometimes.

Paramedic coming by when I'm late to my interview? Time to tailgate.

But like I said before, there's some people who do it right with smoothness, and other morons who do it wrong and fuck up the flow of traffic and almost hit people.

I also get very frustrated with Asians, are they oblivious to everything going on? Older mexican woman, how do they get a license? Old people, seriously, old people should get retested every so many years. And of course the list goes on.

I get pissed when people go too slow, or don't pay attention, or let people in front of them, or don't turn, or can't park for shit. I get upset when I'm in the passenger seat of friends who cant drive for shit, which is why I always offer to drive.

But I realised, I really need to calm the fuck down when I drive. Most of these habits came from always being late to things. My therapist talked about how we can sometimes get addicted to stress, and In a way, I enjoy the power of being in my vehicle, and ruling the road, and being efficient at driving, and having that pressure to race to work.

It even links to my childhood. I remember being in the passenger seat with my dad stuck in traffic, wishing he would be more aggressive so we would get where were going already. Change lanes, go down the exit lane, drive faster, do something so we don't have to sit in this bullshit. The only salvation we got was the carpool lane, but this was back in the 90s when such only existed on like 2 freeways. So when I got my car, I made sure I never had to drive like a slow bitch again.

Even when I'm not late for anything, I still try to get where I'm going as fast as possible, it's not a good habit. I get really tense when I drive, especially listening to hyper-stimulating music, and being behind the wheel gives me a sense of power.

So I realize i need to let go of such a need for power. To see drivers not as opponents on the road, but simply as people, not cars, all working together to get where they're going. I need to leave earlier and get into better habits, so I don't have to drive that way all the time, and resist the desire to have the pressure of such stress. We all like a little bit of pressure, it pushes us to do things and creates an external motivator.

I see that my ego gets puffed up when on the road, and a problem with such tension is that it never gets released--I just sit there and it all gets stored in my body, so by the time I get where I'm going, I'm exhausted and grumpy. So I'm going to embrace a different kind of power: not the power to be aggressive, but rather the power to be passive. The power to let someone in front of me without it making me rage. The power not to need to get road-revenge when someone does a move I don't like. The power to be okay with being present where I'm at, and not needing  the stimulus of a hurry to allow me to feel impowered.

I conjured up this image of Buddha in the passenger seat. I asked, if buddha were driving with me, what would he say? How would he respond to traffic? What would he do in response to this or that driver? And honestly I've felt a lot more calm the last few days while driving, though I can't admit it's fully dissipated. It probably won't, being in Los Angeles, but I can at least try to control the way I react to things. I look forward to practice such action-not-reaction mindfulness while driving.

Welcome(d) Back

Its so hard,

to find

a good connection

Pass these new complexions at the intersection

Ooo i'm so glad that our paths connected

Last thing I though we were havin breakfast

It's a new day, new investments

Rocked the fresh shave, made a good impression

Got met through Trey, hey, Who'd a guessed it

Facebook chattin we so interested

My game was on point but I'm hairy chested

She responded coo to my list of questions

Now we together with a cool connection

Won't let it loose while school's in session

How we so rich while we in recession

So filled with love my girl's the bestest

Feelin on my body give a stiff erection

She always stay late like a kid's detention

So Imma keep it moving and finish my breakfast

Finish what I started like when we sexin

Drunk off her love like a french connection

Past the self-assesment and second guessin

Down to take it slow like a bad connection

Down to speed it up and get you pregnant

I'm just playin

I'm just saying

I'll do whateva so it don't get too hectic

Met tricks before but you uncorrected

except if it's history

or if I'm tickling

you

I want it all but I'm not possessive

Checked for intruder but they're not detected

I hope its all good from God's perspective

So read this email

feel the detail

I'm all your's baby and I got the message

ugh....

Coachella 2012 Passes Unboxing

Current Rotation 1

Kendrick Lamar is probably one of my favorite new rappers right now.

Section .80 was definitely one of the best hip-hop albums of last year.

Here are a few of his tracks:

Also, I bump this one the way to Internship when I got my purple shirt on:

But Don't Trip, I'm still Indie, and I'm always Riding the Chillwave:

And a couple that sort of, remind of someone I used to know:

Forward Movement 2

Damn. I've been so busy I haven't even had time to update this shit. For real. I might even have to cut reddit out my life because there just aren't enough hours in the day. For really.

Let's See How I done so far

• Haven't Smoked in 56 days DAMN! and dont plan on smoking any time soon
• Haven't looked at porn or fapped in 16 days (trying to beat my record for 42 days, but the goal is 90, or better yet, getting a girlfriend and just banging her brains out instead)
• Dove into studying again. Caught up on my classes, and look forward to actually getting ahead soon.
• Developed a better habit of showing up early to appointments. 
• Have followed a strict diet and have commited to it pretty strongly for about two weeks. I feel good and looking forward to sticking to it. 
• Started listening to audiobooks instead of aggressive hip hop when I drive.
• Stayed consistent with my workouts, added hypertrophy exercises to compound ones
• Started going to sleep earlier
• Am building a habit of meditating in the morning
• I stopped gaming, got rid of my gaming pc and switched to a laptop instead, which I'm feeling as I can study anywhere, not in my room and keep myself awake (I should go to sleep soon though, like, now).
• Have been making more connections at my Viacom internship and getting cool with people there.

I gotta say I have a lot more energy, and I'm needing every ounce of it. More things are happening for me. I still haven't really made solid friends or dated anyone, so I do spend time alone, but the time alone is being well spent. I'm getting to know myself a lot more. I've been developing and evaluating myself a lot more. I feel alot more socially forward, more confident, and more outgoing, yet a lot more focused on my priorities. I speak stronger, stand taller, and have better conversations. Since I stopped fapping I've been getting more numbers, and feel a lot more drive and focus. 

With sex being the biggest goal for most male humans, there's not much motivation after orgasm has already been achieved. But yo, when that sex drive is building up inside of you, lots of power, both physically and mentally, can be honed and used. I've been making connections, and determined to keep doing so as I recover myself and get my life back.

Shit, I even went to a breaking class the other day, and reconnected with some dancer I used to know. I even knew how to do the steps like I never stopped. I definately need to keep dropping weight and get back into cardio eventually cause I thought my heart was gonna explode.

Meditating has been helpful, and bringing more awareness into my body. I've been seeing a therapist to help me use such meditations to help me as well. 

Looking forward to getting my 60 day badge from Marijuana Anonymous soon. 

I've yet to have time to be creative aside from rapping and freestyling. I want to find some time to at least write poetry or something, but damn, I'm just so busy. 

I also made a decision not to watch porn at all anymore, even if I dont fap. It just ends up making me horny as fuck all day and may eventually lead into temptation to touchy-touchy. This is also no-scale march, so no weighing myself, just commiting to diet and exercise when I can find the time. I was doing this thing called intermittent fasting, but I'm not sure it's good for me to go to such extremes right now with I'm dealing so much. Fasting, although it makes me much more mentally clearer, has also made me more moody and caused me to have more mood swings.

I look forward to doing more to work with my anger, and fears. I finished my anger book and look forward to doing more reading soon. I also bought a moleskine that I'll be using to write goals, visions, plans, determinations and keep track of myself. A Goal Journal.

 It feels good to be making progress, and I continue to keep going hard, and keep exploding into light so that my consciousness may shine upon any darkness that lurk within.

Goodnight!

Exploding

I feel good. I'm doing something right. I'm exploding again.

I'm bringing back this blog after taking it down due to the consequences of a "dark" post.

but now

I'm

Exploding

Into

Light.