Every week life seems to be giving me new problems to work with, but I've been determined to craft them as tools to help me get to the core of my fears, concerns, beliefs, mental complexes, and desires. I welcome the fire of pain, as to burn away the flesh and better expose the bone.
The practices I've been using to help me deal with such give me an opportunity to dust off the layers of dirt blotching the light of my soul, and allow me to better see the illumination occuring within myself, and shine through therein.
Temet Nosce or in other words "Know Thyself", is an insightful concept I'm determinant to pursue. I can't use an instrument if I don't know what sounds it makes, how it reacts to my movements, how to fine-tune it, and how it will serve me. The same can be said with the mind and the body, I'm trying to understand who I am. How can I change who I am, if I am not even aware of what I am?
I close my eyes and go inside.
One of the emotions I've been struggling with aside from anger, has been loneliness. It sucks looking back at my week, or looking down at my phone with no missed calls or texts, without a person to hang out with, talk to, or enjoy life with. I know, this too, shall pass, but when I acquire connections, how long will they last?
I go through people faster than a roll of toilet paper. People don't stick around too long. Maybe I don't stick around people too long either. I've always been an outcast, and thus, seeing myself as an outcast has caused me to alienate myself in manners parallel to the way people choose to alienate me. My therapist brought it to my attention that such a perspective has manifested itself, causing me to see myself as distant from other people.
The greatest thing on earth love. Not to be mistaken with romance, love, to me, is the most rewarding goal of all. What's the point in having a nice car if I'm the only one ever driving it? What's a big house without friends to have a backyard barbecue with? Why have a King size bed but sleep on it alone for years? What the point in having money without anyone to spend it with?
It's a feeling I'm all too familiar with. I close my eyes and meditate on it to understand it, and everything gets black. The seamstress of my mind spills dye on every thought. The texture, form, and shape is still there, it just lacks illumination. However, a red ember glows from within this blackness, and I discover a different joy, an acceptance and contentness with isolation--a joy of solitude.
Yeshua said in a very popular work of literature that "The kingdom of heaven is within you". In solitude. Another figure had wrote that there is no greater journey but the journey within.
May I know God, by knowing myself. And Love God by loving and being one with the Atma, the spirit that is in all of us, and that is God. I cannot fully love anyone without loving myself, and cannot be loved, without being loving. If God is Love, then may I know God, may God Love me, and may I know to Love God, and learn to Love myself.
I wish to bring love into my life, but like a waiter in a restaraunt, I can't fill any glasses unless my own pitcher is full. The same book I quoted also read "Let patience have its perfect work, so that you may be complete, lacking nothing" So I've decided to find happiness within my own loneliness, yet still feeding a desire to reach out. Staying deeply rooted while still reading toward the sun with joy.
Which brings me to my rediscovered inspiration:
Watching Inception, I recall Dom Cobbs taking the Ariadne through a dream sequence as she reconstructed the space around her. She recreated some sort of bridge that Dom Cobbs had recognized before, and he had a vivid flashback with himself and his wife Mal. He then told Ariadne "Never recreate from memory, always imagine new places!"
I found that I dwell on past memories, or past experiences, and use those thoughts to fill in prospects of what may occur in the future. Sometimes I envision good things happening, like dancing well or having a specific experience repeated, other times I anticipate a certain failure or betrayal. Seeing this as a defeatist form of thought, I decided I'm going to try and imagine new outcomes and new possibilities.
This is incredibily difficult for me to do, as I, like many aged souls, have been strongly conditioned by my past experiences. Sobriety, however, has allowed me to be free from such chains and ventures off the worn paths of the mind, blazing a new trail of joyful experiences, fueled by a faith that these ventures will be worthwhile.
I look forward to a new world I've yet to discover. To imagine new possibilites and go fourth into the new fronteirs of thought. May my life be a place where reality and dreams collide. I don't want to escape anymore. I don't want to run away from the pain. I don't want to silence the cries of the soul.
The way out is the way in.
Closing with another Dom Cobbs quote as his team paniced about the state of the possible failure of their mission, deciding that going deeper into the dream was their only solution:
"Downwards is the only way forward."
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