One Wish

 I wish that I died in 2012 so I woudn't have had to suffer the last 10 years alone.  

I still think about Anna every day and she blocked me from everything since 2013. She won't acknowledge I exist. 

And everyone else in my life did the same. I spent so many birthdays and new years alone and there's nothing I could do to fix it.

Not AA meetings. Not rehab. Not therapy groups. Not therapists. Nothing can cure loneliness when no one likes you. 

I'm not loveable anymore. My mind is so damaged from isolation, loneliness, and constant negativity that I'm not socially accepted. 

I'm just some weird guy that has funny jokes but no one wants to actually hang out with. 

No one loves me. I'm not capable of being loved.

I have no family but my Mom, and she gave up on life 20 years ago. If I lived on my own these last 10-15 years my whole life would have been different. But it's too late now. 

I have no friend I can call and hang out with.

I would rather die than spend another year as lonely as I was in 2020. I spent that whole pandemic alone and not a single friend hung out with me. Not one single person. 

I wish I knew how to make friends. I wish people didn't ignore me when I message them.

Every one I meet for the last 8 years just ignores me when I text them. 

Even though I am fit, have a new car, and my own nice place, there is no one that wants to come over.  

My mom moved me into a shithole in 2007 that I coudn't get out of. The only reason I made it out of the loser factory was because the pandemic gave me a chance to profit off a strong hustle. 

My body is destroyed but I work on healing it, I dont know if I can ever dance anymore and that alone is reason enough to suicide, since I dont have any friends or loved ones that will care when I'm gone once my Mom is dead.

We are all products of our environment. My life would have unfolded differently if I didn't live in a shitbox I couldn't make enough money to get out of. I couldn't sleep for 12 years. Constant noise, stress, pollution, depressed and mentally ill parent living with me who decided to spend the remaining 40 years of her life alone in front of her TV. 

I don't blog anymore cause there's nothing to look forward to in life anymore. 

No one will ever read this. Anna is the only one who ever cared and she wont ever talk to me again. 

It's been years since I had a kiss. Its been a decade since I had a friend. 

I fixed every aspect of my life that I could, and I'm still nothing in this world. 

I can't be as successful as Anna. I didn't have the good upbringing she had. I didn't have friends or family that supported me, and I still don't. 

I just pray that when I kill myself, the weapons I use will get the job done and not leave me more damaged, and that maybe I'll have a second chance to be loved in the afterlife. 

I made a lot of progress, but I can't handle being so alone. 

I want to dive into my music, into making content, to express the passions of my soul and hope the universe will respond and catapult me into the world I belong in, because my current world does not accept me. There is no place for me in my current world other than bleeding out on this while tiled floor. The only planet i have hopes of being accepted on is Planet Hollywood. 

I cant even cry anymore because I'm so numb to the pain of being isolated and unloved. 

Thats why I started self-harming and mutilating myself, its the only way to distract from the unbearable pain that I'm nothing to anyone. That I missed life because I wasn't socially accepted. That the constant bullying and social rejection of my childhood carried on into my adult life. That I go everywhere alone, come home alone, and will die alone. 

I decided not to do a mass shooting after watching lots of videos of mass shootings. I don't really want to do a mass shooting for the sake of harming others, it's just the worst thing i can possibly think of to express how horrible life has treated me. I dont really want to kill innocent people, I just want to express how lonely I am, and how jealous I am of people who have family and friends and are racially accepted by a group. Being mixed, I know I'll never be accepted in this world, so why am I trying to fit into it? I'm better off creating my own world, and I can only do so by destroying the current one that exists.

The more rejected I am by society, the less I identify with its values. If I can't participate in society why am I here? And thus I fantasize of mass shootings because it's the ultimate rebellion against society.  

Problem is, these mass shooters are losers that don't even try. Most of them intentionally sat in their spiral chambers until they became radicalized and miserable. I tried every fucking thing I could in my power to improve my life and still got held back my poverty and poor health every step of the way. 

If you knew how much shit I had to overcome to even make it where I am today you would give me a Nobel Peace Prize, but no one knows and no one cares. 

I just wish I had a friend to hug all these years. I'm gonna punch myself now for the first time in a few months, as writing this reminded me how much of a failure I am in life compared to people like Anna whose success I'll never compare to. I'm nothing in this world and I could have been someone.

Thats what hurts the most is that I had so much more potential to do so much more in life, but my environment and health fucked me. I started smoking weed again because the niggers next door wouldnt let me sleep. Started playing games because I injured myself and couldn't afford to see a doctor and didn't know physical therapy. Started eating shit food and getting fat because we lived in the ghetto and Mom made the living room a miserable cigarette-filled shit room. And then more escapist behavior compounded as my life and environment got worse. 

Anna was one of the people who truly saw my potential. 

My Mom didn't see it in me

My Dad didn't see it in me

Both of them are low lifes who never achieved anything ambitious, so of course they couldn't recognize someone like me who was fully of goals, dreams, passions, and ambitions. They tried to sabotage me every step of the way and added more distress in my life than had they never been around at all. Sometimes I wish they died when I was younger so I could have had the freedom to be happy instead of my Mom taking out her life's misery on me every day. 00

My Mom's drug habit made it impossible to sober up at home, and My Dad never listened to a word I said. Both were always in their own worlds. Mentally incapable and mentally ill people should not be allowed to have kids. IF i do decide to do a mass shooting, my parents also need to be killed as punishment for failing to raise their seed and instead being insulated in their selfish ambitions, especially my father who i plan to torture and mutilate while he is on his death bed.

The more lonely I am, the less people want to be around me. I go places and do things. Talk to people. Still not good enough for the world. The world raised me to hate myself by calling my ugly every day of my life. If anything, I just wish I could have a time machine to shoot up the school I went to as a kid, and kill the staff the made life hell, too. 

But here we are and these negative thoughts won't help me make my life any better.

They sure won't make Anna ever talk to me again. 

I'm all out of morale. I have to pay for sex. I can't get "pictures with friends" to post on online dating because I dont have any. The last time I dated more than a month was in 2013. The last relationship I had was 2011. 

I'm balding, my body is full of permanent scars, I have herniated discs and multiple surgeries, my teeth are crooked, and I was born ugly according the majority of people who made comments throughout my life. I have no social status, I have no family or friends. All I have is me, and me is a fucked up broken person with a lot of potential but born with a broken body and a broken mind surfing on a broken soul. 

Why am I even alive? 

Is this the way my life is always going to be? Cycling in and out of escapist behavior just to be perpetually ghosted and ignored by everyone I meet? How would you feel if this was your experience? When therapists laugh at how lonely you are.

Well Im gonna start mutilating myself now. The world isn't meant for me. 

Moonlight Shadows

Alone on my roof under the largest full moon of the year. It's like having my own room on the top of the city, or at least, the Kenneth Han  Inglewood/Ladera/SouthCentral/Weschester border. I guess I came up here tonight because the India Pale Ale's buzz was too strong for my dusty bedroom, needed some cool air to balance it out.

I miss this spot. It was my escape from the self-constructed mental prison of my addictions and an opportunity to be present with the elements and listen to the stars. At first I complimented it with my friend alcohol, but after I stopped drinking I just started exhaling. It became my meditation spot.

But damn, I started inhaling again, and this became my medication spot.

My body language is weakening. I'm giving a fuck less about what you have to say. Were you giving me a chance to holler at you? Sorry, I was busy being blank minded or reflecting on bullshit.

Her lips taste good, and so does the tip of that Royal Blunt wrap. Why not combine the two? Good. Let's continue to pursue this hedonism until you end up where you were a year ago. Those last 3 weeks you threw away to pc games and smoking must not have been strong enough of a reminder.

So I'm emailing my professor, like I do all my professors, to find a last ditch effort to avoid getting a fail. How many times have I done this shit though? Why can't I just get my shit together and pass my classes?

Fuck No Fap. Fap no Fap. Shit is hard as crap but I gotta get in shape. I gained 10 lbs in the last 3 weeks and I'm sure some of its muscle, but I know what the rest is. Estrogen gives me bitch tits and a beer belly so I gotta avoid the jackin off and alcohol. At least I still look good to me in the mirror. But I dont feel good about myself right now.

Fuck my boss at MTV. All he did was try to put me in my place and discourage me and sass me like a white slavemaster telling his niggers not to explore freedom. "Youre not going to get a job here, so stop acting like you're trying to". I'm glad I didn't listen to that piece of shit and branched out anyway. I learned at MTV that white privilege and racism still exists.

I'm drinking though, and not in a good way. I need to deal with my bitterness towards MTV and the underlying past experiences that are associated with being mistreated in spite of a great deal of hard work put in. My vengeful fantasies are knocking at my door wanting an opportunity to take over my thoughts. I must hold on to my Utopian urges and stay present.

I threw my commitments at the sun and traded light for smoke and pleasure. None of you really want to be my friend, so who really gives a fuck but me? I'm motivated by love. I had a nice spot, weed, drinks, music, all that shit people like, but nobody wants to kick it with me on Cinco De Mayo, so here I am:

Alone on my roof during the biggest relapse of the year. I'm hoping the voice of that bigger me doesn't fall short to the call of the wild. Holidays are like a measure of your success and if you aint doing shit, you aint shit.

I should escape those beliefs and live my own life separate from society's expectations as they've been for so long.

There's nothing much more to say. I gotta get back on my grind and refocus. I can't use pain as my motivation as I've learned to sedate it, but rather, a want for better things in my life.

I'm falling.

I'm gliding.

I'm finding a perfect place to land, and start it all up again.

How did that Happen?

So I'll be brave enough to admit that I've spent a small little bit of time on studying Pick-Up Artisty, or in other words, seduction techniques. I mean, if theres tips for looking professional, or presenting a speech, or presenting yourself more or less intimidating, or any other "learned" social behavior, then theres gotta be ways to improve your dating game too.

On a Friday night I had gotten ready to put my plans into motion, after having testing out some thing I learned in the field. I was supposed to go to a show with this one chick, but she flaked and didn't answer the texts. However, I still wanted to make something happen. I texted the girl who flaked that I was on the way to a spot in Venice with another girl, and of course she responds suddenly saying she was napping. Yeah Right.

At the Venice show, which in reality I went by myself, my self-awareness was high. I was so aware of my body language, and eye contact that I was able to establish an "all the girls here want my cock" kind of atitude.

Then, somehow, I was dancing and just having fun, and girls tried to grab my attention, and by the end of the night I had a good convo and grabbed a number.

But yo, that like, never happens for me. Usually clubs are just a overstimulating atmosphere where I neither dance like I want to, nor get me some like I want to. I'll admit, my club game isn't on point, and possibly for a number of reasons, but I want to find out why and change that so I can still go out and have fun.

I was just glad that, for the first time in a long time, I didn't end up driving home pissed off.

Drink Light

It was day 87 of my sobriety and an unexpected but not unknown sense of relaxation had dominated my nervous system. In the weeks past my DXM trip, my ability not to give a fuck had increased significantly. With such an ability, however, came some consequences:

Stress, I must sometimes realize, pushes us to do things and prioritize our tasks better. The compliment of stress is feeling good about yourself knowing you've disciplined yourself enough to accomplish tasks. The negatives however, could take a toll on you.

I've been getting crazy gains at the gym. The other night these dudes were deadlifting on the squat right, so I tried to butt them out. We agreed to work in sets, and when it was my turn, I felt a strong surge of burning pain go up the back of my next, explode into the back of my head, and start chewing away at the rest of my brain.

It felt like the Hillside Strangler has made me one of his victims, and as I squatted, sent gallons of dead blood into my skull into my brain started to stroke from the lack of oxygen. I blacked out.

When I came to, all I could do is sit. The rest of my workout was not as intense. I grabbed water, and went slower, still having this lingering feeling of someone shaking can of thumbtacks in the back of my eyes.

Next workout two days later I almost blacked out again while bench pressing. Trainer said it could be due to a number of things: Stress, not enough water, food, nutrition, rest, and testosterone.
Before both of those workouts I jacked off and came multiple times before my workout. I usually save it for post-workout relief, as lower testosterone decreases your strength. When I jacked off later that night the same tremendous headache came back, but worse, far worse.
I decided to take a break. Needed time to recover my muscles, get more nutrition, rest more, and not jack off to build more testosterone. The trainer told me that jacking off would halt my fitness progress, as more estrogen leads to beer bellies and bitch-tits.

But it's the last hump I've yet to get over. Jacking off to internet porn.

So on day 87 of my sobriety, chilling on the couch in her South LA apartment, I decided to take it hit. The effect was nothing unfamiliar. I took another hit the next day at Coachella, another hit in the Sahara tent the day after that, and another hit during The Weeknd's sunday sunset show.

After I got back I took a few more hits, throughout the week, up until 4/20, and into Today.

I don't really want to get high, even though I do. The lusts of the flesh are so enticing when loneliness and rejection are experienced.

I really missed her Grape Juice Smile at Coachella. I wish we were still sitting on that Strawberry Swing. It sucked being alone in such a big place, and getting sick, and getting dissed by a musical artist I'd been a fan of for so long. I finally broke down in my tent Friday night realizing that the Coachella dream I had wasn't going to come true this year. Life's hard, but all I can do is enjoy what there is to enjoy, and suffer what there is to suffer.

To know myself and love myself.

I wish I was just a little better at making friends and keeping them.

I arrested my development this week and now I'm finding myself in a holding cell with the usual suspects: gluttony, lust, laziness, overthought, paranoia, and mania.

I don't want to get drunk tonight. What's the point of going to a party when I'm not fulfilled in myself to make myself an enjoyable person to be around?

I just want to drink light.

How I Drive To Work

Sparks

I'm not sure how it happened but

during my trips the last few days

a greater sense of being and self worth has found me

Through my introspection

I discovered how high I place exterior desires above my own self

as if these other things were more valuable

than I am

After venting on a forum

I became aware of how frustrated I was about

social success

and realized

my self-success, or

inner-game, or

self-worth, or

self-love and fulfillment

had been lacking.

As I sat on my roof

I asked myself

"Why

do you allow yourself

to be pulled 

in so many directions

by things outside of you?"

"Why are you

letting

so many

outside forces

disturb your peace?"

When I came back to my apartment and listened to the music.

When I closed my eyes and began to fly.

I wondered what happened to all my utopian urges.

Had they all been curbed by the desire for gain?

Have I been trying to hard to impress this or that person, to get to this place or that place?

Free your mind.

I recovered this note I typed to myself during the experience

What happened to your original plan? Working on yourself so much and improving yourself so much, being so awesome and talented and beautiful and joyful and uplifting and kindhearted THAT PEOPLE WANT YOU AROUND, THAT YOURE WANTED, WANTED, WANTED WANTED WANTED. THAT THEY WANT YOU. WORK ON YOU MAN, YOU’RE THE CENTER OF YOUR OWN BEAUTIFUL UNIVERSE. ALWAYS SEE BEAUTY AND DREAMS. SHOW YOUR DREAMS TO THE WORLD THAT WILL FOLLOW AND BELIEVE.

I pray on remaining deeply rooted, while having a mind and heart flexible enough to be moved, but never broken.

As stated by Sophocles in Eodipus Rex "The stiff heart breaks the soonest"

Close Your Eyes

So I wanted to sip a magic potion
Copped that Robotussin and chugged it down to get that Scissor AKA DXM
Got online to double check I drank the right shit
Internet said "Hey bro, you drank the wrong thing. Now you're gonna be puking and throwing up all night. Good job."
I only chugged half the bottle so I was like fuck it, I'll be fine.
I went a picked up the correct potion
came back
and downed it

The high set in
my feet left the ground
but during my high a fear came upon me
I felt like I was overdosing

Looking back, I was probably fine
But I was tripping balls
And a sudden diahrrea and nausea hit me
Fucked up me trip
and freaked me out

Scared some people by telling them I might be
overdosing
A friend came by to babysit
made a decision to puke it all it
as I settled down
and had a wonderful trip

For the first time in a long time
I had a limitless imagination of beautiful thoughts.
I could close my eyes and have a lucid dream
I put on my headphones and I would fly into another world

Many good memories came back to me
I rediscovered dreams I had once built but gave up on
I revisited the lands of fantasies I had abandoned
And a great joy expanded

It felt like peter pan in the movie hook
Remembering I was pan
Remembering I had an imagination
Learning how to fly again

The pirates of bad thoughts couldn't take me under
As desire for beauty and job spread through me

I saw myself in third person
And then I saw myself
Fill with light
and then I just saw a flash
Everything was illuminated

The best part
was listening to Bebel Gilberto
Flying through Brazil
Revisiting dreams of escaping into beautiful landscape, nature, dancing, women, people

Since then I've found it easier to be positive
I'm vigiland that there lies a shadow under all this positivty
But, I don't know
I feel like the edge has decreased
I feel like I reconnected to a joy of imagination and a hope of good things and self love that, I feel less attached to the world
And more attached to myself
and my dreams

I wa't to learn to keep achieving this state
but without chugging cough medicine

The Second Relapse

I dropped an anchor
on accident
Sailing across the sea to find
new land
Storms did not deter our voyage
as much as
our fears.

Come back to the deck
where we can see
the stars.
I spent too many
summers
down in the hull.

Captain,

Captain,

Where are you going?

The night was black
How did I
forget
to be guided
by the stars?

Sinking under a lit sky
my lungs begin to fill with water
I don't know which way is up
Hope I awake
in the right place.

Trippin Balls Bro

We Have To Go Deeper

Every week life seems to be giving me new problems to work with, but I've been determined to craft them as tools to help me get to the core of my fears, concerns, beliefs, mental complexes, and desires. I welcome the fire of pain, as to burn away the flesh and better expose the bone.

The practices I've been using to help me deal with such give me an opportunity to dust off the layers of dirt blotching the light of my soul, and allow me to better see the illumination occuring within myself, and shine through therein.

Temet Nosce or in other words "Know Thyself", is an insightful concept I'm determinant to pursue. I can't use an instrument if I don't know what sounds it makes, how it reacts to my movements, how to fine-tune it, and how it will serve me. The same can be said with the mind and the body, I'm trying to understand who I am. How can I change who I am, if I am not even aware of what I am?

I close my eyes and go inside.

One of the emotions I've been struggling with aside from anger, has been loneliness. It sucks looking back at my week, or looking down at my phone with no missed calls or texts, without a person to hang out with, talk to, or enjoy life with. I know, this too, shall pass, but when I acquire connections, how long will they last?

I go through people faster than a roll of toilet paper. People don't stick around too long. Maybe I don't stick around people too long either. I've always been an outcast, and thus, seeing myself as an outcast has caused me to alienate myself in manners parallel to the way people choose to alienate me. My therapist brought it to my attention that such a perspective has manifested itself, causing me to see myself as distant from other people.

The greatest thing on earth love. Not to be mistaken with romance, love, to me, is the most rewarding goal of all. What's the point in having a nice car if I'm the only one ever driving it? What's a big house without friends to have a backyard barbecue with? Why have a King size bed but sleep on it alone for years? What the point in having money without anyone to spend it with?

It's a feeling I'm all too familiar with. I close my eyes and meditate on it to understand it, and everything gets black. The seamstress of my mind spills dye on every thought. The texture, form, and shape is still there, it just lacks illumination. However, a red ember glows from within this blackness, and I discover a different joy, an acceptance and contentness with isolation--a joy of solitude.

Yeshua said in a very popular work of literature that "The kingdom of heaven is within you". In solitude. Another figure had wrote that there is no greater journey but the journey within.

May I know God, by knowing myself. And Love God by loving and being one with the Atma, the spirit that is in all of us, and that is God. I cannot fully love anyone without loving myself, and cannot be loved, without being loving. If God is Love, then may I know God, may God Love me, and may I know to Love God, and learn to Love myself.

I wish to bring love into my life, but like a waiter in a restaraunt, I can't fill any glasses unless my own pitcher is full. The same book I quoted also read "Let patience have its perfect work, so that you may be complete, lacking nothing" So I've decided to find happiness within my own loneliness, yet still feeding a desire to reach out. Staying deeply rooted while still reading toward the sun with joy.

Which brings me to my rediscovered inspiration:

Watching Inception, I recall Dom Cobbs taking the Ariadne through a dream sequence as she reconstructed the space around her. She recreated some sort of bridge that Dom Cobbs had recognized before, and he had a vivid flashback with himself and his wife Mal. He then told Ariadne "Never recreate from memory, always imagine new places!"

I found that I dwell on past memories, or past experiences, and use those thoughts to fill in prospects of what may occur in the future. Sometimes I envision good things happening, like dancing well or having a specific experience repeated, other times I anticipate a certain failure or betrayal. Seeing this as a defeatist form of thought, I decided I'm going to try and imagine new outcomes and new possibilities.

This is incredibily difficult for me to do, as I, like many aged souls, have been strongly conditioned by my past experiences. Sobriety, however, has allowed me to be free from such chains and ventures off the worn paths of the mind, blazing a new trail of joyful experiences, fueled by a faith that these ventures will be worthwhile.

I look forward to a new world I've yet to discover. To imagine new possibilites and go fourth into the new fronteirs of thought. May my life be a place where reality and dreams collide. I don't want to escape anymore. I don't want to run away from the pain. I don't want to silence the cries of the soul.

The way out is the way in.

Closing with another Dom Cobbs quote as his team paniced about the state of the possible failure of their mission, deciding that going deeper into the dream was their only solution:

"Downwards is the only way forward."

60 Days Of Inhaling Only Air, I want to tell you something....

....but I'm really too damn busy to make a whole post. This is part of what has helped me make it this far: GET BUSY. Be too damn busy to smoke, knowing that if you smoked, you wouldn't have your shit together. REJECT MEDIOCRITY be the best at what you're doing, be the shit! GO HARD OR GO HOME. Work so hard, workout, study, look for advice, find your soul, meditate, whatever, do it so hard core that you don't even have room for weed to slow you down!!

I even have dreams I smoke, and In my dream, I GET PISSED FOR SMOKING. When I wake up sober I'm relieved, glad I committed to my decision. 

Find a reason DEEP DEEP DEEP IN YOURSELF!! WHO DO YOU WANT TO BECOME? WHAT DO YOU WANT IN YOUR LIFE? HOW WILL QUITTING HELP YOU GET THAT? ARE YOU WILLING TO MAKE THE SACRIFICE?

If youre worried about a piss test or your parents or family, chances are you will relapse eventually. DO IT FOR YOU AND NO ONE ELSE.

Seek a better life.

STILL KEEP GETTING HIGH!!! JUST NOT OFF OF DRUGS!! Get high off doing the things you love, get high off pursuing happiness, get high off increasing your abilities, talents, creating, refining you skills, accomplishing goals. Maybe you had a long day at work and just want to feel good? Good. Theres another way to feel good, to MAKE yourself feel good by IMPROVING YOURSELF EACH DAY. 

Theres far too many resources, too much information, too much for you to do than to be sitting there getting high letting the world pass you by.

I know its hard at first, but dig deep, deep, deep inside yourself. KILL YOUR SMALLER SELF, SO THAT YOU BIGGER SELF MAY EMERGE.

Just do it. Yesterday you said tomorrow. Go fourth and do not look back. 

Be Muhammad Ali:

When you step into the ring and life hits you with a hard punch and knocks you down, remember to be to the person you want to be, commit to your deepest self, and plan to get back up before you even enter the ring. PLAN TO GET BACK UP FROM THE START, AND KEEP FIGHTING. The universe will not let you down and the fruits of perseverance will always be the juiciest.

Stay thirsty, my friends.

Maintenance

Alright so this has been a good week. I got so much I wanna say but not enough time. Still making steps forward at my internship, but I got a correction that I'm taking too many steps forward? what? a hater move or advice? I was told I was being too corporate and needed to relax, both with my cordial vernacular as well as my dress code. I heard that I was going around networking too hard and not committing to my department, that I was being too aggressive with trying to branch out to do other things, but, hey, I'm not graduating yet, I'm not getting paid, so I was just tryin to do my thang.

But I get it, I need to keep in mind the goal of simply being a likeable person so people can remember me and be willing to allow me to use them as a reference. To relax and be myself instead of being an uptight corporate robot so that people can get to know me and even trust me more for who I am instead of putting on this facade. So I came back with a little more swag: lost the tie and the corporate shoes, talked in a more relaxed, yet fun tone. Stopped being such a tool, but still not being a douche, and not being so nervous about my impression, but rather being in touch with a confidence that I got it under control, but humbly wearing an awareness that I'm still not perfect and am open to improvements and corrections.

I had a meeting with marketing this morning that went awesome, met with an account executive in a different department, talked to numerous people in my department, am helping to coordinate a focus group, met with some people at HR so now they know me by name, am planning to meet with more people, have sat in at all the intern events and shaking hands with all the speakers, forwarded interesting articles to my bosses, made team efforts with fellow interns, had lunch with the research department which was fucking delicious, have been learning a lot about my department, and honestly, may consider coming back to this company.

At first I was competitive with other interns, but I realized, it's better for me to be really nice and take advantage of the chance to show good teamwork skills, instead of giving a could shoulder and seeming like a dick. The only person I'm competing with is myself.

I also got a correction that all these things I'm doing is fine, I just need to be more smooth about it. So this week my goal is to communicate more with my supervisor, to be more committed to my department, and to go above and beyond, without seeming like I'm trying so hard to go above and beyond.

Like Kanye said "Cause when you try hard, that's when you die hard"

Buddha In The Passenger Seat

So I've been working with my friend once  a week to help me out, and one thing I really wanted to work out was my road rage. I started becoming increasingly aware of this after a road rage encounter I had today, and during some of my withdrawals, I noticed I could be having a good day, then immediately after I got in my car I would start feeling angry, agitated, and agressive.

I could go a whole day at work with nothing but present and sound thoughts, but the moment I'd get in my car the thoughts would immediately turn ugly.

I'll admit it, I'm an aggressive driver. I know the fastest way to get to where I'm going, and will settle at nothing but getting there as quick as possible. People say weaving through traffic only saves about 5 minutes, but when you do about 20-30 of those manuevers, you can get places at least half an hour earlier than those suckers sitting in bumper to bumper.

I got my freeway patterns down to a science, but I always feel tense when the streets don't flow the way I've predetermined them to. I make lefts right when the light turns green if oncoming traffic isnt accelerating fast enough, I go around people that aren't making rights at red lights like they're supposed to, I sweep through freeway exit lanes just to weave back in when it ends, I fuck around on the right turn only lane just to weave in while going through the intersection. Yellow lights? Lol, more like ultra-fast green lights.

I cut off the fuckers driving to slow in the far left lane, I weave between lanes depending on which exits I pass and knowing how the flow of traffic changes depending on freeway merges, congested entrances, etc. I get mad when pussies stop at yellow lights. Lol someone trying to cut me off in a zipper merge? Have fun getting damage to your BMW, I'm just in my bucket?

People waiting in line to get off the freeway? Lol I just sweep up to the front and cut everybody off when some sucker isnt paying attention and leaves me a gap to swerve on it.


Trust me, I'm legit about it. I never slowdown traffic, I never put anyone at risk, and I never cause anyone to slam their brakes or honk they're horns.


I see people trying to do such maneuvers, and when they do it wrong it pisses me off. But when I see other people driving like me I think "that guy is cool". Actually, us aggressive drivers can spot each other out on the road, and even race each other sometimes.

Paramedic coming by when I'm late to my interview? Time to tailgate.

But like I said before, there's some people who do it right with smoothness, and other morons who do it wrong and fuck up the flow of traffic and almost hit people.

I also get very frustrated with Asians, are they oblivious to everything going on? Older mexican woman, how do they get a license? Old people, seriously, old people should get retested every so many years. And of course the list goes on.

I get pissed when people go too slow, or don't pay attention, or let people in front of them, or don't turn, or can't park for shit. I get upset when I'm in the passenger seat of friends who cant drive for shit, which is why I always offer to drive.

But I realised, I really need to calm the fuck down when I drive. Most of these habits came from always being late to things. My therapist talked about how we can sometimes get addicted to stress, and In a way, I enjoy the power of being in my vehicle, and ruling the road, and being efficient at driving, and having that pressure to race to work.

It even links to my childhood. I remember being in the passenger seat with my dad stuck in traffic, wishing he would be more aggressive so we would get where were going already. Change lanes, go down the exit lane, drive faster, do something so we don't have to sit in this bullshit. The only salvation we got was the carpool lane, but this was back in the 90s when such only existed on like 2 freeways. So when I got my car, I made sure I never had to drive like a slow bitch again.

Even when I'm not late for anything, I still try to get where I'm going as fast as possible, it's not a good habit. I get really tense when I drive, especially listening to hyper-stimulating music, and being behind the wheel gives me a sense of power.

So I realize i need to let go of such a need for power. To see drivers not as opponents on the road, but simply as people, not cars, all working together to get where they're going. I need to leave earlier and get into better habits, so I don't have to drive that way all the time, and resist the desire to have the pressure of such stress. We all like a little bit of pressure, it pushes us to do things and creates an external motivator.

I see that my ego gets puffed up when on the road, and a problem with such tension is that it never gets released--I just sit there and it all gets stored in my body, so by the time I get where I'm going, I'm exhausted and grumpy. So I'm going to embrace a different kind of power: not the power to be aggressive, but rather the power to be passive. The power to let someone in front of me without it making me rage. The power not to need to get road-revenge when someone does a move I don't like. The power to be okay with being present where I'm at, and not needing  the stimulus of a hurry to allow me to feel impowered.

I conjured up this image of Buddha in the passenger seat. I asked, if buddha were driving with me, what would he say? How would he respond to traffic? What would he do in response to this or that driver? And honestly I've felt a lot more calm the last few days while driving, though I can't admit it's fully dissipated. It probably won't, being in Los Angeles, but I can at least try to control the way I react to things. I look forward to practice such action-not-reaction mindfulness while driving.

Welcome(d) Back

Its so hard,

to find

a good connection

Pass these new complexions at the intersection

Ooo i'm so glad that our paths connected

Last thing I though we were havin breakfast

It's a new day, new investments

Rocked the fresh shave, made a good impression

Got met through Trey, hey, Who'd a guessed it

Facebook chattin we so interested

My game was on point but I'm hairy chested

She responded coo to my list of questions

Now we together with a cool connection

Won't let it loose while school's in session

How we so rich while we in recession

So filled with love my girl's the bestest

Feelin on my body give a stiff erection

She always stay late like a kid's detention

So Imma keep it moving and finish my breakfast

Finish what I started like when we sexin

Drunk off her love like a french connection

Past the self-assesment and second guessin

Down to take it slow like a bad connection

Down to speed it up and get you pregnant

I'm just playin

I'm just saying

I'll do whateva so it don't get too hectic

Met tricks before but you uncorrected

except if it's history

or if I'm tickling

you

I want it all but I'm not possessive

Checked for intruder but they're not detected

I hope its all good from God's perspective

So read this email

feel the detail

I'm all your's baby and I got the message

ugh....

Coachella 2012 Passes Unboxing