January 28, 2012
Creation
I really miss dancing. I really miss being loved. I miss being in love with what I do, and doing what I love. I want to dance again. I want to create. I want to get deep.
Challenges
Two days from my second week of sobriety and things are still going well. I've found meditation to be helpful as I went from 5, to, 10, to 15, and will start 20-minute meditation sessions tonight. I start by sitting somewhere that I wouldnt be too distracted, and create a determination in my mind to see through the end of my session as I set the alarm on my phone. I inhale for 5 counts, squeeze my kegel muscles and keep it held in for another 5, then exhale fore 5. I let the numbers build up gradually. The highest I got to the other night was 14/14/14, so basically a 42-second breath.
At the end of last night's meditation it struck me hard that I had class the next morning. Had I not meditated I may have forgotten to wake up. When I got to class the next morning, I was half an hour late, and realized that it was the second class meetings, I missed the first one last week. Knowing I messed up again made me pretty upset. I was disappointed with myself and I was going to just walk out a drop the class, and drop out altogether.
On the pad I was taking notes, I wrote some inspiration to myself, and made a determination to stick it through. A girl named Maya talked to me the other night about how much of a shame it was that I fucked up my life and stopped dancing. She said it was shameful that I always get discouraged, and compare myself to others and end up letting myself down because I'm not getting the results they're getting. I lose focus and rarely commit to one thing. So after class I reminded myself to maintain focus, and made an intrinsic decision to stick it through the class.
This week at CSUN wasn't a successful one. I wasn't able to add a single class. The school decided that they weren't going to allow adds unless you were a graduating senior. So even when I crashed a class that had empty seats, I still wasn't able to add.
I relied on my ex as a ride to get to school last semester, but she dumped me and so I had to drop out. I remember skipping class so I could take her to Catalina Island for her birthday. It was a very disappointing Fall.
I had made appointments with numerous counselors of different departments this Spring to help me decided my major. I had my academic game plan set and was looking forward to this semester. My only goal was to be able to repeat my failed classes from last semester, so that I can fix my GPA to change majors. Due to budget cuts, I won't be able to reach that goal. I can't participate in student government, study abroad, change my major, and worst of all I will no longer be eligible for financial aid since I didn't show academic progress and didn't pass 80% of my classes. I can't afford college.
I did everything I could. Wrote letters. Talked to professors, counselors, and even the Dean. I hit a brick wall. So instead of getting upset, I just clasped my hands in my car, bowed my head, and prayed to the only one I knew that could help me make sense of all of this, and maintain faith through it all.
My bad dreams came true after all, but at least I still have the ocean. I still have my internship to look forward to, along with my DUI classes, community service requirements, marijuana anonymous meetings, and I can still keep my job which I hate. I just hope I can still receive financial aid next semester.
They built an amazing new gym. I had the chance to check it out today. I wish I would be around campus more often to use i, but I'll just have to be patient. My chance will come. I recall the scripture "Let patience have its perfect work, so that you may be complete, lacking nothing."
I really hate my job. I really hate my boss. I wish she would disappear and never come back. Everything was good until she came around. It seems like I can never shove my head up anyone's ass far enough to please her. I thought I was working for a legitimate company, but they're just like any other evil corporation that will squeeze the life out of you in the name of greed. This week I'm going to truly dedicate myself to finding a new job. I fantasize about quitting my job and raging and smashing everything in the place up every day that I drive to work.
I'm also going to start my NoFap challenge today. I had some masturbation sessions and found myself less socially-driven, more tired, less ambitious, and just overall not feeling as good as I was when I wasn't jerking off for the four days I chose not to. Honestly though, I fucking sick and tired of having to chase after women and play with the games they put up. Most of these bitches don't even deserve me. They should take it as an honor I even speak to them. This is a big reason men cheat. Girls make it such a hassle to get to know them, that by the time we get them, we don't even like them anymore. Bitches really aren't shit to me anymore.
But of course, maybe I just state this due to my lack of social success. It's hard as a man, especially when you don't have any real friends, or history, or people to fall back on. Sitting alone in my room in front of this monitor has become my landing pad for such a long time. Sometimes I just want to drive off a cliff and kill myself, but I don't want to grieve my mother, so I stay alive. I know you have to work for the things you want, but things really don't make sense for me in the social world. I'm sure I understand things a lot better than other people, and I'm sure there are other people who wish they had my life, so I best get my confidence back, and be ambitious. I notice that I must first become a person that people would want to be around or hang out with, and that's what I'm working on becoming.
I hate going through my phone asking what people are doing just to end up wasting battery power. I couldn't keep up with my ex. She was a model, a pretty girl, so of course she got invited everywhere. I grow envious of my prettier, cooler, or wealthier associates. They remind me of how much my life sucks and how all the effort I put into improving myself still really hasn't gotten me any good results. Maybe it has though, maybe my vision is darker tonight, maybe I'm not quite exploding into light. Maybe I'm swinging low.
I feel unfulfilled. I look forward to Church tomorrow, and seeing Cirque Du Soleil with my mom. It's been a challenging and busy week and I still haven't gotten any play out of it.
At the end of last night's meditation it struck me hard that I had class the next morning. Had I not meditated I may have forgotten to wake up. When I got to class the next morning, I was half an hour late, and realized that it was the second class meetings, I missed the first one last week. Knowing I messed up again made me pretty upset. I was disappointed with myself and I was going to just walk out a drop the class, and drop out altogether.
On the pad I was taking notes, I wrote some inspiration to myself, and made a determination to stick it through. A girl named Maya talked to me the other night about how much of a shame it was that I fucked up my life and stopped dancing. She said it was shameful that I always get discouraged, and compare myself to others and end up letting myself down because I'm not getting the results they're getting. I lose focus and rarely commit to one thing. So after class I reminded myself to maintain focus, and made an intrinsic decision to stick it through the class.
This week at CSUN wasn't a successful one. I wasn't able to add a single class. The school decided that they weren't going to allow adds unless you were a graduating senior. So even when I crashed a class that had empty seats, I still wasn't able to add.
I relied on my ex as a ride to get to school last semester, but she dumped me and so I had to drop out. I remember skipping class so I could take her to Catalina Island for her birthday. It was a very disappointing Fall.
I had made appointments with numerous counselors of different departments this Spring to help me decided my major. I had my academic game plan set and was looking forward to this semester. My only goal was to be able to repeat my failed classes from last semester, so that I can fix my GPA to change majors. Due to budget cuts, I won't be able to reach that goal. I can't participate in student government, study abroad, change my major, and worst of all I will no longer be eligible for financial aid since I didn't show academic progress and didn't pass 80% of my classes. I can't afford college.
I did everything I could. Wrote letters. Talked to professors, counselors, and even the Dean. I hit a brick wall. So instead of getting upset, I just clasped my hands in my car, bowed my head, and prayed to the only one I knew that could help me make sense of all of this, and maintain faith through it all.
My bad dreams came true after all, but at least I still have the ocean. I still have my internship to look forward to, along with my DUI classes, community service requirements, marijuana anonymous meetings, and I can still keep my job which I hate. I just hope I can still receive financial aid next semester.
They built an amazing new gym. I had the chance to check it out today. I wish I would be around campus more often to use i, but I'll just have to be patient. My chance will come. I recall the scripture "Let patience have its perfect work, so that you may be complete, lacking nothing."
I really hate my job. I really hate my boss. I wish she would disappear and never come back. Everything was good until she came around. It seems like I can never shove my head up anyone's ass far enough to please her. I thought I was working for a legitimate company, but they're just like any other evil corporation that will squeeze the life out of you in the name of greed. This week I'm going to truly dedicate myself to finding a new job. I fantasize about quitting my job and raging and smashing everything in the place up every day that I drive to work.
I'm also going to start my NoFap challenge today. I had some masturbation sessions and found myself less socially-driven, more tired, less ambitious, and just overall not feeling as good as I was when I wasn't jerking off for the four days I chose not to. Honestly though, I fucking sick and tired of having to chase after women and play with the games they put up. Most of these bitches don't even deserve me. They should take it as an honor I even speak to them. This is a big reason men cheat. Girls make it such a hassle to get to know them, that by the time we get them, we don't even like them anymore. Bitches really aren't shit to me anymore.
But of course, maybe I just state this due to my lack of social success. It's hard as a man, especially when you don't have any real friends, or history, or people to fall back on. Sitting alone in my room in front of this monitor has become my landing pad for such a long time. Sometimes I just want to drive off a cliff and kill myself, but I don't want to grieve my mother, so I stay alive. I know you have to work for the things you want, but things really don't make sense for me in the social world. I'm sure I understand things a lot better than other people, and I'm sure there are other people who wish they had my life, so I best get my confidence back, and be ambitious. I notice that I must first become a person that people would want to be around or hang out with, and that's what I'm working on becoming.
I hate going through my phone asking what people are doing just to end up wasting battery power. I couldn't keep up with my ex. She was a model, a pretty girl, so of course she got invited everywhere. I grow envious of my prettier, cooler, or wealthier associates. They remind me of how much my life sucks and how all the effort I put into improving myself still really hasn't gotten me any good results. Maybe it has though, maybe my vision is darker tonight, maybe I'm not quite exploding into light. Maybe I'm swinging low.
I feel unfulfilled. I look forward to Church tomorrow, and seeing Cirque Du Soleil with my mom. It's been a challenging and busy week and I still haven't gotten any play out of it.
January 22, 2012
And He Came Back Home
Today I committed "Philosophical Suicide" and got "Born Again" at the West Angeles Church. I respect the view that Atheism comes from, but the concept of Meaningless Existence didn't resonate with me enough for me to live happily. The more I rejected the Ultimate Reality the more animalistic and primal I became, and thus, the more I went crazy. Darkness reigned through my mind, doubt became my narrative, and chaos became my order. It's time for me to go back home and reconnect to The Source. The one true source of all energy that flows through all of existence and eternity. We all want to be stars, but there is only one Light that illuminates us all.
Life Hacks
There are a number of tools I've been using to improve my life lately, so I though I'd share.
Reddit: this is the front page of all of the internet. In some ways, the internet starts and ends here. The amount of information, knowledge, and content on here is endless, and is constantly being updated in dialogue with other members. However, there is also a lot of negative content and bad news that could ruin your day, so I subscribed to the following subreddits:
1. r/GetMotivated - Exactly how it sounds. This is where people post motivating content. I collect a great deal of inspirational stories and motivational media from here.
2. r/Leaves - opposite of r/trees. It's for people trying to stop smoking
3. r/Fitness - Members are always posting before-after pictures. Supporting each other, answering questions, and giving advice. Reddit is full of professionals in their given fields, and the guides provided are also especially helpful.
4. r/NoFap - Porn-masturbation addiction is a lot bigger than people think. Because it's socially accepted, most people don't identify it as a problem. This is for people trying to break their porn addiction, or learn more about the effects that the brain has on porn. If you're more interested in the subject of the effects porn has on the brain, I highly highly suggest watching these scientifically-based videos
5. r/Funny - because the internet is also full of funny.
Flux - A program to make computer browsing easier on the eyes. Typical LED monitors are designed to mimic the sun, however, our eyes are designed to only have half a day of sunlight. This program basically changes the color brightness of your monitor based on the time of the day. Don't worry, it doesn't darken anything, it just blocks out blue rays that are responsible for keeping you awake when you browse at night. Give it a try!
My Tumblr - not trying to advertise but, a lot of the motivating, inspiring, uplifting content I find is reposted here.
Chains - simple little website that allows you to visually keep track of habits, or broken habits. The goal is to not break the chain!
Reddit: this is the front page of all of the internet. In some ways, the internet starts and ends here. The amount of information, knowledge, and content on here is endless, and is constantly being updated in dialogue with other members. However, there is also a lot of negative content and bad news that could ruin your day, so I subscribed to the following subreddits:
1. r/GetMotivated - Exactly how it sounds. This is where people post motivating content. I collect a great deal of inspirational stories and motivational media from here.
2. r/Leaves - opposite of r/trees. It's for people trying to stop smoking
3. r/Fitness - Members are always posting before-after pictures. Supporting each other, answering questions, and giving advice. Reddit is full of professionals in their given fields, and the guides provided are also especially helpful.
4. r/NoFap - Porn-masturbation addiction is a lot bigger than people think. Because it's socially accepted, most people don't identify it as a problem. This is for people trying to break their porn addiction, or learn more about the effects that the brain has on porn. If you're more interested in the subject of the effects porn has on the brain, I highly highly suggest watching these scientifically-based videos
5. r/Funny - because the internet is also full of funny.
Flux - A program to make computer browsing easier on the eyes. Typical LED monitors are designed to mimic the sun, however, our eyes are designed to only have half a day of sunlight. This program basically changes the color brightness of your monitor based on the time of the day. Don't worry, it doesn't darken anything, it just blocks out blue rays that are responsible for keeping you awake when you browse at night. Give it a try!
My Tumblr - not trying to advertise but, a lot of the motivating, inspiring, uplifting content I find is reposted here.
Chains - simple little website that allows you to visually keep track of habits, or broken habits. The goal is to not break the chain!
Seven Candles
So it's been a week of sobriety. Seven solid days, and I must say, I feel great. Even if it's just a winning streak, or a moment of glorious nirvana, or a looking at myself and cultivating a sense of belief in oneself, whatever this feeling is, I worked for it and I love it.
It wasn't easy. I didn't expected it to be easy, but I did expect it to be worth it. Since I was so busy with work, getting ready for school, and getting my life together, I really didn't have time to allow my thoughts to wander off to negative planes too much. I can't confess that I didn't have moments of anger or being upset, but I can give myself a pat on the back that I didn't freak out like I thought I would. I'm actually surprised.
I spent the first few weeks of January researching addiction, treatments, other people's stories, motivational content, solutions, self-treatments, and really just uploaded my brain with life hacks. It's a new year so it's time for upgrades. Mind upgrades.
I took the step, I didn't smoke. Didn't even have an urge to. The urge to change my life was far stronger. That Monday was Martin Luther King Day, and I remembered his quote:
Take the first step in faith. You don't have to see the whole staircase, just take the first step.
In the daytime my energy level was higher. I had more mental clarity, actually remembered things instead of having no short term memory, and enjoyed my social experiences more. I wasn't socially lazy sloth anymore. I listened to people's responses and actually cared about what they had to say. It's like I actually had an invested interest in people, and wasn't just spacing out while I waited for my chance to speak. The conversations I've had have been a lot stronger, my own social ambitions have shined more, and as a result, went to three parties and got four numbers without even having an agenda to do so.
Since my mind wasn't in a daze, I had a lot more awareness of my thoughts, where they were going, which thoughts triggered what emotion, which ones were serving me and which ones weren't.
When the sun went down, though, everything was different. Since I was also trying to fix my sleeping schedule, I tried going to bed earlier. I'm used to staying up until 4 or 5 in the morning with some smoke-fap-nap sessions in between. Since Battlefield 3: Back to Karkand has came out, I found myself pulling all-night gaming marathons blasting away my competition in digital world until 8 in the morning. I had to see the sun rise to convince myself it was time to sleep.
So when I tried to sleep, I just couldn't. I tried stretching, reading a book, doing abdominal breathing, nothing helped. Many dark thoughts kept visiting me while I was trying to sleep. I found myself arguing with my ex-girlfriend over and over in my mind, having psychotic thoughts, and being pulled in many different directions by worry, sadness, and shame. The emotions those thoughts triggered would only wake me up more. The first day I didn't sleep, so I thought "alright I'll probably just fall asleep tomorrow", but I didn't. In fact I was awake for four days and three nights straight without a single moment of sleep. In the daytime I felt fine and full of energy, but at night I wanted to fall asleep but couldn't. It was like my body was compensating for all the weed naps I took.
On the first night I tried to start my workout routine. Perhaps that woke me up a lot more and since I was unable to sleep, my muscles were unable to recover. It was strange feeling like I was in the post-weightlifting state without being able to walk normally. I was doing squads and deadlifts, so I pretty much was walking like a cripple all week. Maybe that's why I didn't freak out or get angry, I simply didn't have the ability to. I was barely able to walk because my muscles were unable to recover.
On the second sleepless night, I had looked up insomnia treatments, and one of the websites explained that the more I think about how I can't sleep, the more it will wake me up. I refused, however, to get up and get back on my computer. The habit needed to be broken. I laid in bed and surrendered myself to God. I prayed to him that the spirit of slumber would come upon me, and even if it didn't, that he would strengthen me and allow me to persevere in my pursuit towards the betterment of life. This contentment grew in my heart, and I knew that the struggle would be worth it. I was ready to face whatever other hardships would come up and I knew God was with me.
I went to see my doctor to get STD tested, have him check my weight, and ask for sleeping pills. He told me to take some Melatonin. At the vitamin shoppe I met an older lady who had asked me what melatonin was, and I told her it was a sleep aide. I explained that I just stopped smoking weed and haven't been able to sleep. She told me her story about how she was a crack addict for 12 years, and how she just got out of prison after being incarcerated for 17 years, and she told me God would bless me for the decision I made. She told me to persist, to pray, to write, to read the Bible, and to put my trust in the Lord.
Receiving her word, I prayed once again that night. Even though the melatonin didn't make me sleepy enough to fall asleep, I still believed that victory would be mine. I still wrestled with evil thoughts, got chased by the zombies of my dead past, was struck down by the worries of my future, was cut by the edge of the mirror of my own shame and guilt, suffered intense bleeding from the wounds my ex left me, and for a moment, I recalled a meditation I did alone on my roof beforehand.
I was doing a small sun salutation, listening to my headphones, and trying to find a little serenity. I remember every time I would get into a pose, I would think about my ex, and her betrayal, and fall out of the pose. Then I realized, for me to truly benefit from the practice, I must hold the pose and let go of the thoughts, not hold on to the thoughts and let go of the pose.
I wont go into the details, but for a moment I knew that I just had to let the thoughts pass. The more I tried to resist them, the more power I gave them. The more I tried to dissect or analyze them, the deeper they would go into my consciousness. Instead of trying to control all of my thoughts as I laid in my bed on yet another sleepless night, I had to let them go. Alone in my room, alone with my thoughts, I just watched the fireworks go off in my mind, but didn't react to them. It was like teaching myself to meditate again,
I hated being alone with my thoughts. I got tired of fighting people I used to know in my mind. I rejoiced opportunities to keep myself busy. I used my tumblr to inspire myself. After collecting inspirational, motivational, and beautiful media, I archived it so that I could use it to help myself. I guess you could say I was "getting high off my own supply".
On the fourth night I had to sleep. I had an interview with MTV for an internship the next morning. I couldn't risk going in there sleepy or half-thinking any of the answers to their questions. I drank a solution called "Calm" which was a magnesium-based drink I used to drink to help my muscles relax, then I took Melatonin, Valerian Root, Chamomile, and submerged myself into a hot bath saturated with Epsom Salt. Finally, I had some sleep. Even though it wasn't a full night, it was enough for my brain to recover a bit. I woke up around 3am and couldn't fall back asleep for a few hours, but It was better than nothing.
That morning I did my yoga, prayed, made breakfast, put on my bow tie, and went fourth. It was probably the toughest interview I ever had, but I prevailed. I got the internship. I finally did it.
I was going to sink low and try to contact my ex for help as she worked and interned at MTV before, but I had to prove to myself that I alone was capable without needing her help, and I conquered, I succeeded, I finally made it somewhere. It was my kindness that got me there. A customer of the spa had struck up conversation with me, and really appreciated my service and the overall fact that I genuinely cared about her experience at the spa. I spoke of my ambitions, and she told me if I emailed her she would try to get my information in the right hands.
Now, I must make a confession. I said I didn't freak out, but I did. Frustrated with not being able to sleep, I picked up my office chair and smashed it on the ground. I also punched my wall a few times, but honestly that is nothing. The other times I've tried sobered up I ended up breaking my door down, or my mirror, car windshield, have physically harmed myself, drawn blood, I could describe the darker actions I've done, but I can't walk down that unlit hall without tripping, so let's just move forward.. Besides, maybe the fact my office chair is broke is a good thing--I can't sit down at the computer for long anymore.
I attended marijuana anonymous, subscribed to a forum for people addicted to marijuana, prayed, and kept myself busy. My mom said at the end of the week I'll be glad I did this, and amen, I am. Glory.
January 17, 2012
First Step
Today is my first, honest, step into living sober again. I started smoking when I was 13, and did started other drugs at 14. No one wanted to really be my friend at that time, no one had my back in a gang-ridden high neighborhood, I couldn't get any girls, and I didn't have any resources or things to do, school was fucking stupid to me and was a program to cage the animals in my neighborhood and for stupid fucks to feel smart by getting a letter written on their paper for kissing ass, so I turned to drugs. Weed was the only thing that made me happy. I recall my only "good week" in my younger teenage years was having an 8th of weed to smoke for an entire week to myself.
I made weed my lifestyle up until I was 17 after realizing at that time most of the vices in my life were weed related, as I was in a new neighborhood and didn't have to live in fear anymore. I didn't smoke (or masturbate) for about 2 years after that. I may have smoked a few times in the 2nd year but never turned myself back on to weed.
I started smoking again after I sprained my ankle when I was 20. Dancing was what I loved, and what kept me from doing bad things. After I wasn't able to dance, I started gaming, drinking, and smoking heavily. My ankle eventually healed, but I kept the substance abuse habits with me.
Years later, as an adult, I was able to lead what seemed to be a stable lifestyle. I had friends, girlfriends, sex partners, money, talent, and a job. However, after some broken dream, many missed opportunities, bad breakups, and a night in jail later, all of those things have faded away and I'm back at square one with my life at one of the lowest rock bottoms ever.
I stopped doing the things I loved and that inspired me, and started doing things to take the pain I had experienced during my journey, away.
Anger, bitterness, rage, and overall depression is a lot more common in my life than it used to be. I can't blame weed, but I can say that I'm no longer happy unless I'm high. I can literally go from "I hate the world and tonight I'm gonna get even with society" to "LOL thats a funny cat" in just seconds with a good hit from the blunt.
I remember after quitting weed, I relied on natural highs instead. My way of thinking became so positive I couldn't understand why people smoked weed when there were other ways of acheiving natural highs that make you healthier, happier, more creative, more attractive, and cultivate an even stronger sense of well-being and fulfillment.
My sources of "natural highs" were: Dance, yoga, meditation, exercise, lifting weights, writing, praying, doing daring shit, girls, friends, drawing, fashion, raw nutritious fruits and vegetables, eating healthy, exploring, learning, and the success high.
I haven't felt the success high in ages. When I wake up in the morning I get high and go on the computer. When I go to work I smoke a blunt while driving there. When I get off work I smoke on the way home, just to get on my computer again and smoke some more later. Wherever I go, I smoke. Whatever I do, I do it high.
I think my brain has forgotten how to think in a positively inspired manner. Some people can get high and still get up and go places. I can, but in a limited way. I'll go to work, but not the gym. I'll grab food, but skip out on going to the DMV. I'll browse reddit for hours, but not pay my parking tickets. I'll unlock weapons in battlefield 3 but not finish a single page of studying. Procrastination is a separate problem, but I don't think being high all the time makes it better. Having no initiative, inspiration, or strong-minded determination coupled with other mental issues, has made my mind harder and harder to control.
I don't even know which thoughts are mine anymore. I feel like someone with multiple personalities able to switch to different personalities depending on how pissed I am, or whether or not I ate, or whether or not I'm high.
My last girlfriend I was with for about a year. One of the issues we were concerned with was weed turning into the center of our relationship. I promised her it wouldn't, and it really wasnt, but I started becoming so dependent on smoking that I was in a bad mood if I wasn't high, and therefore always had to smoke around her. She smoked a lot with me too, but I think I definitely outdid her.
I don't want to call it sobriety, because it's such a boring word. I still plan on getting high, just not on mind-altering substances, or sources of over-stimulation like porn or gaming or violence.
There are a lot personal problems I need to work on, but I think having a clear mind first is the best approach. Weed may not always be available, and I need to learn how to cope without it. It's hard to lose weight when you have the munchies, hard to stay disciplined and focused when your mind is in the clouds, hard to be social when you're in your own world, and hard to get the "get-up-and-go" when you're stoned off your ass.
I look forward to this journey. It will be hard as I anticipate a large amount of anxiety, tension, stress, rage, aggression, and aggravation to follow me for the next few weeks, or even months, but fuck, I want my life back. There are better things in life. Maybe I'll smoke again in the summer and be the type to just take 2 hits and pass, maybe I'll never smoke again, but right now I need to take my life back in my control.
I plan on attending meditation classes for recovering addicts and going to Marijuana Anonymous again, regardless of how boring or awkward it is. It's hard as fuck to quit as a college student living in LA where weed is more common than cigarettes, but I can do it! I have to!
In honor of MLK day:
Take the first step in faith. You don't have to see the whole staircase, just take the first step.
-Dr Martin Luther King Jr.
I made weed my lifestyle up until I was 17 after realizing at that time most of the vices in my life were weed related, as I was in a new neighborhood and didn't have to live in fear anymore. I didn't smoke (or masturbate) for about 2 years after that. I may have smoked a few times in the 2nd year but never turned myself back on to weed.
I started smoking again after I sprained my ankle when I was 20. Dancing was what I loved, and what kept me from doing bad things. After I wasn't able to dance, I started gaming, drinking, and smoking heavily. My ankle eventually healed, but I kept the substance abuse habits with me.
Years later, as an adult, I was able to lead what seemed to be a stable lifestyle. I had friends, girlfriends, sex partners, money, talent, and a job. However, after some broken dream, many missed opportunities, bad breakups, and a night in jail later, all of those things have faded away and I'm back at square one with my life at one of the lowest rock bottoms ever.
I stopped doing the things I loved and that inspired me, and started doing things to take the pain I had experienced during my journey, away.
Anger, bitterness, rage, and overall depression is a lot more common in my life than it used to be. I can't blame weed, but I can say that I'm no longer happy unless I'm high. I can literally go from "I hate the world and tonight I'm gonna get even with society" to "LOL thats a funny cat" in just seconds with a good hit from the blunt.
I remember after quitting weed, I relied on natural highs instead. My way of thinking became so positive I couldn't understand why people smoked weed when there were other ways of acheiving natural highs that make you healthier, happier, more creative, more attractive, and cultivate an even stronger sense of well-being and fulfillment.
My sources of "natural highs" were: Dance, yoga, meditation, exercise, lifting weights, writing, praying, doing daring shit, girls, friends, drawing, fashion, raw nutritious fruits and vegetables, eating healthy, exploring, learning, and the success high.
I haven't felt the success high in ages. When I wake up in the morning I get high and go on the computer. When I go to work I smoke a blunt while driving there. When I get off work I smoke on the way home, just to get on my computer again and smoke some more later. Wherever I go, I smoke. Whatever I do, I do it high.
I think my brain has forgotten how to think in a positively inspired manner. Some people can get high and still get up and go places. I can, but in a limited way. I'll go to work, but not the gym. I'll grab food, but skip out on going to the DMV. I'll browse reddit for hours, but not pay my parking tickets. I'll unlock weapons in battlefield 3 but not finish a single page of studying. Procrastination is a separate problem, but I don't think being high all the time makes it better. Having no initiative, inspiration, or strong-minded determination coupled with other mental issues, has made my mind harder and harder to control.
I don't even know which thoughts are mine anymore. I feel like someone with multiple personalities able to switch to different personalities depending on how pissed I am, or whether or not I ate, or whether or not I'm high.
My last girlfriend I was with for about a year. One of the issues we were concerned with was weed turning into the center of our relationship. I promised her it wouldn't, and it really wasnt, but I started becoming so dependent on smoking that I was in a bad mood if I wasn't high, and therefore always had to smoke around her. She smoked a lot with me too, but I think I definitely outdid her.
I don't want to call it sobriety, because it's such a boring word. I still plan on getting high, just not on mind-altering substances, or sources of over-stimulation like porn or gaming or violence.
There are a lot personal problems I need to work on, but I think having a clear mind first is the best approach. Weed may not always be available, and I need to learn how to cope without it. It's hard to lose weight when you have the munchies, hard to stay disciplined and focused when your mind is in the clouds, hard to be social when you're in your own world, and hard to get the "get-up-and-go" when you're stoned off your ass.
I look forward to this journey. It will be hard as I anticipate a large amount of anxiety, tension, stress, rage, aggression, and aggravation to follow me for the next few weeks, or even months, but fuck, I want my life back. There are better things in life. Maybe I'll smoke again in the summer and be the type to just take 2 hits and pass, maybe I'll never smoke again, but right now I need to take my life back in my control.
I plan on attending meditation classes for recovering addicts and going to Marijuana Anonymous again, regardless of how boring or awkward it is. It's hard as fuck to quit as a college student living in LA where weed is more common than cigarettes, but I can do it! I have to!
In honor of MLK day:
Take the first step in faith. You don't have to see the whole staircase, just take the first step.
-Dr Martin Luther King Jr.
January 12, 2012
Let The Sunshine In
Alright, that's it. Time to get up, time to wake up, time to be here, now, present.
It's time to choose life. Choose early morning alarm clocks, the self-help audiobook playing while I sit in parking lot traffic, handing coffee to your colleague after showing up 20 minutes early, shaking new hands and actually caring about what they have to say, pitching my self to girls and getting turned down just to do it again with even more positive outlook, standing in line for the club by myself because I can't stand another night at home alone, oxygen instead of smoke, not giving a fuck what anyone thinks because it's my life, leaping into the endless abyss, following what makes my heart beat like it's the only thing keeping me alive, crossing out my to-do lists like a boss, hitting the books and murdering exams, wiping my sweat off the machines at the gym, saying thanks when people compliment my talents, hitting every beat in the song, greeting my enemies with a smile, no longer looking back because that's not where I'm headed, glorious thoughts at even the most inglorious moments, finding nirvana within myself, building happiness and beauty from the inside-out, giving away my love knowing I may receive pain in return, and laying in bed at the end of the day knowing I did everything I could to make today the best day ever, every day.
So after doing some research I figured out a plan on how I'm going to transform myself into the person I want to be.
The first step will be recovery, which is getting my physical and mental health in a stable condition. This will be mostly attributed to my smoking habits and sedentary lifestyle. The psychotic thoughts, munchies, laziness, and overall state of being high doesn't give me a very clear mind to work with. Also, the short term memory doesn't help, which I forgot to mention before. If I want to work on my problems and create new habits, I must first have a clear mind to do it with.
One thing that I am already afraid of, and am anticipating, is the withdrawals I'm going to get from not smoking. Almost every single time I stop smoking, something happens, in a bad way. My symptoms are usually intense anger, aggression, rage, high irritability, boredom, and overall just being a grump. I was hoping to go to a sober living community, or take a camping trip, or a week off, but it doesn't look like I'll be able to do it with my work schedule getting in the way and the fact that they're not willing to LET ME TAKE A FUCKING WEEK OFF!!! I'm afraid of the withdrawal because usually every single time my aggression gets expressed violently, and I can't get in trouble. My mood swings happen way more often. I have to be extremely vigilant because often times I'm not aware of what will piss me off. I'll just start thinking about a few things and next thing I know my knuckles are bloody from beating the shit out of my steering wheel. I don't even realize I'm angry until it's too late--I've already gone into blind rage.
However, I have to adapt, so I'm going to try and do this with these few inconveniences in the way. I'm planning to add weight training in my schedule 3x a week, cardio on my off days about 3x a week too, and yoga at least 2x a week. I will probably do yoga every day during my first week of sobriety, along with meditation classes. I'm hoping I can immediately apply my excess energy that I will gain into exercising. I'll have to be sure to keep myself calm, so I'll only play calm music and audiobooks when I drive. When I get home, same thing. No intense stimulation, so more than likely, no games. However if the withdrawals are too strong I'll go ahead and play games or jack off ass those are the things that relax me, and the priority of this step is to quit smoking, not quit games and porn just yet.
It would probably help if I had friends to constantly hang out with, but I don't really have that. Oh well, it's my fucking life so I gotta man up and deal with whatever feelings of abandonment that will creep in during my transition. I won't give too much of a shit about work, I'll work at a relaxed pace, and leave my house early so I wont be stressed about parking and driving. I may actually be giving them my two weeks notice as my Spring semester starts in 2 weeks. I'm never sacrificing school for work again. Maybe I'll have to work part time, but fuck it, that's what I have to do. Maybe I wont get done with school as fast as I wont to because I have to work, but I'll just do what I have to do instead of spending another semester upset and bitching about working shitty jobs and how I never finished school.
During this stage I also need to work on a better diet. One fresh-squeezed green juice a day sounds good, along with a protein-rich breakfast, and one large salad sometime during the day. This all at the bare minimum. I don't want to put too much on my plate at once, so I think as long as I cut out junk food, and try to have these three things a day, along with other food, I'll be at a good start. I can't handle any specialized diets just yet, but I will change my diet once I get off the weed and make a solid habit of my exercise routine. So no calorie-counting for now, just ingesting fresh nutrition-rich food.
I'm also going to put bookreading in my schedule. I already read a lot on the internet alone, but I need to dive into a more subtle form of stimulation. One hour of bookreading a day. Something to keep my mind busy and also help me. A coworker told me reading is like a form of meditation, as you have to sit there and concentrate on one thing for an extended duration of time. With school coming up, I also need to re-train my brain to be a student. "A Book Can Change Your Life", I read this written somewhere on Abbot Kinney street in Venice the other day.
The other day I brought back an old ritual. I laid down on my back with the moon shining through my window before I went to sleep, and for a whole minute, imagined who I want to become in great detail. I feel like the thoughts you have before you go to sleep is like planting a seed for how you want your subconscious to think the next day. It's like an archer pulling back his bow and your thoughts control where that bow will be aimed. When you go to sleep, the archer releases the bow into the night sky aka, your subconscious. I had a vision that I was just, really happy. I saw my ex but she saw that I was really happy and couldn't really look down on me anymore. She found my happiness attractive, and I was unaffected by her affection or lack thereof.
It reminded me of the concept of finding happiness from the inside out. I really have to start making myself happy from within and not relying on external stimuli like girls, money, entertainment, gratification, friends, etc. Those things will all flow into my life naturally and gracefully as long as I focus my attention of personal fulfillment and acquire a faith and commitment to carry me along the way. This is truly where the journey is, and this is the journey I must take.
My mom told me she didn't abort me because she believed I had a purpose. If that's so, I can't necessarily expect my life to follow a traditional route I guess. I have to blaze my own way. So let's do this.
too long; didn't read: Quit smoking weed, exercise more, eat healthy, and calm the fuck down.
It's time to choose life. Choose early morning alarm clocks, the self-help audiobook playing while I sit in parking lot traffic, handing coffee to your colleague after showing up 20 minutes early, shaking new hands and actually caring about what they have to say, pitching my self to girls and getting turned down just to do it again with even more positive outlook, standing in line for the club by myself because I can't stand another night at home alone, oxygen instead of smoke, not giving a fuck what anyone thinks because it's my life, leaping into the endless abyss, following what makes my heart beat like it's the only thing keeping me alive, crossing out my to-do lists like a boss, hitting the books and murdering exams, wiping my sweat off the machines at the gym, saying thanks when people compliment my talents, hitting every beat in the song, greeting my enemies with a smile, no longer looking back because that's not where I'm headed, glorious thoughts at even the most inglorious moments, finding nirvana within myself, building happiness and beauty from the inside-out, giving away my love knowing I may receive pain in return, and laying in bed at the end of the day knowing I did everything I could to make today the best day ever, every day.
So after doing some research I figured out a plan on how I'm going to transform myself into the person I want to be.
The first step will be recovery, which is getting my physical and mental health in a stable condition. This will be mostly attributed to my smoking habits and sedentary lifestyle. The psychotic thoughts, munchies, laziness, and overall state of being high doesn't give me a very clear mind to work with. Also, the short term memory doesn't help, which I forgot to mention before. If I want to work on my problems and create new habits, I must first have a clear mind to do it with.
One thing that I am already afraid of, and am anticipating, is the withdrawals I'm going to get from not smoking. Almost every single time I stop smoking, something happens, in a bad way. My symptoms are usually intense anger, aggression, rage, high irritability, boredom, and overall just being a grump. I was hoping to go to a sober living community, or take a camping trip, or a week off, but it doesn't look like I'll be able to do it with my work schedule getting in the way and the fact that they're not willing to LET ME TAKE A FUCKING WEEK OFF!!! I'm afraid of the withdrawal because usually every single time my aggression gets expressed violently, and I can't get in trouble. My mood swings happen way more often. I have to be extremely vigilant because often times I'm not aware of what will piss me off. I'll just start thinking about a few things and next thing I know my knuckles are bloody from beating the shit out of my steering wheel. I don't even realize I'm angry until it's too late--I've already gone into blind rage.
However, I have to adapt, so I'm going to try and do this with these few inconveniences in the way. I'm planning to add weight training in my schedule 3x a week, cardio on my off days about 3x a week too, and yoga at least 2x a week. I will probably do yoga every day during my first week of sobriety, along with meditation classes. I'm hoping I can immediately apply my excess energy that I will gain into exercising. I'll have to be sure to keep myself calm, so I'll only play calm music and audiobooks when I drive. When I get home, same thing. No intense stimulation, so more than likely, no games. However if the withdrawals are too strong I'll go ahead and play games or jack off ass those are the things that relax me, and the priority of this step is to quit smoking, not quit games and porn just yet.
It would probably help if I had friends to constantly hang out with, but I don't really have that. Oh well, it's my fucking life so I gotta man up and deal with whatever feelings of abandonment that will creep in during my transition. I won't give too much of a shit about work, I'll work at a relaxed pace, and leave my house early so I wont be stressed about parking and driving. I may actually be giving them my two weeks notice as my Spring semester starts in 2 weeks. I'm never sacrificing school for work again. Maybe I'll have to work part time, but fuck it, that's what I have to do. Maybe I wont get done with school as fast as I wont to because I have to work, but I'll just do what I have to do instead of spending another semester upset and bitching about working shitty jobs and how I never finished school.
During this stage I also need to work on a better diet. One fresh-squeezed green juice a day sounds good, along with a protein-rich breakfast, and one large salad sometime during the day. This all at the bare minimum. I don't want to put too much on my plate at once, so I think as long as I cut out junk food, and try to have these three things a day, along with other food, I'll be at a good start. I can't handle any specialized diets just yet, but I will change my diet once I get off the weed and make a solid habit of my exercise routine. So no calorie-counting for now, just ingesting fresh nutrition-rich food.
I'm also going to put bookreading in my schedule. I already read a lot on the internet alone, but I need to dive into a more subtle form of stimulation. One hour of bookreading a day. Something to keep my mind busy and also help me. A coworker told me reading is like a form of meditation, as you have to sit there and concentrate on one thing for an extended duration of time. With school coming up, I also need to re-train my brain to be a student. "A Book Can Change Your Life", I read this written somewhere on Abbot Kinney street in Venice the other day.
The other day I brought back an old ritual. I laid down on my back with the moon shining through my window before I went to sleep, and for a whole minute, imagined who I want to become in great detail. I feel like the thoughts you have before you go to sleep is like planting a seed for how you want your subconscious to think the next day. It's like an archer pulling back his bow and your thoughts control where that bow will be aimed. When you go to sleep, the archer releases the bow into the night sky aka, your subconscious. I had a vision that I was just, really happy. I saw my ex but she saw that I was really happy and couldn't really look down on me anymore. She found my happiness attractive, and I was unaffected by her affection or lack thereof.
It reminded me of the concept of finding happiness from the inside out. I really have to start making myself happy from within and not relying on external stimuli like girls, money, entertainment, gratification, friends, etc. Those things will all flow into my life naturally and gracefully as long as I focus my attention of personal fulfillment and acquire a faith and commitment to carry me along the way. This is truly where the journey is, and this is the journey I must take.
My mom told me she didn't abort me because she believed I had a purpose. If that's so, I can't necessarily expect my life to follow a traditional route I guess. I have to blaze my own way. So let's do this.
too long; didn't read: Quit smoking weed, exercise more, eat healthy, and calm the fuck down.
January 10, 2012
The Beginning of the End
So I have a few vices that many be considered minor to some, but have been sabotaging me from making any progress in my life due to my lack of self control, adaptation, and additive behavior.
1. Weed - I've been smoking since I was 12 so that's basically the last 11 years (I'm 23). The longest I've not smoked was about a year or 2 between age 17-19 and those were honestly some of the most exciting times of my life. I may have smoked here or there at a party, but fuck, I live in LA, we smoke weed the way fat people drink soda. My symptoms have been general laziness, overeating, psychotic thoughts, over-thinking about the past, not giving a shit about anything, major procrastination, and not being able to enjoy stuff unless I'm stoned. I'm super socially lazy sloth, foul bachelor frog, and because of my addictions in total, is making me more socially awkward penguin.
I've tried quitting multiple times but I get extremely sharp withdrawals that just get stronger the more I smoke. Mainly aggression, rage, and violent thoughts are the characteristics I develop. Did I mention I was bipolar? Not full blown bipolar though. Smoking treees keeps me more at a stable medium, whenever I stop I get more mood swings. It's a big problem because of the violent part, I can't get into anymore trouble.
However, I've not, *not* smoked more than 3 weeks in like 3 years. I think my brain needs a break cause I smoke All day, Everyday, Californ, I.A.
2. Pornography and Jacking Off - I wounldn't say I'm a pedobear pron addict, but more of a foul bachelor frog. I've been fapping since I was about 10. When I was 16 and got really spiritual I didn't fap for a year. As I look back I must say I've had some amazingly glorious experiences that year, and got buff as fuck from working out. When I started jacking off again I felt the guilt, shame, low energy levels, lack of drive, etc that you get from overmasturbationg.
Only until recently this year has it became a problem. I stopped working out and started fapping more. I often times get stuck in a smoke-playvideogames-eat-jackoff-sleep-repeat cycle any moment I am not at work, and it's quite destructive to my consciousness. I also got a girlfriend this year, and it came to the point where I could not orgasm sometimes unless I was thinking about a porno scene.
She was a beautiful, sexy as fuck girl. She was a good fuck and her pussy and mouth felt great. Her body was hot and she gave me great head and let me fuck her really good. However, I had this same problem with a number of girls before her, so I know it's not because I didn't like her. Nowadays I don't even get hard from porn sometimes, and have to fantasize about my ex to cum, which still leads to the fantasizing problem--the fact that I'm getting off on fantasizing about something else and not being pleased enough by the visual and sensory stimulus alone.
She's now my ex gf because of my lifestyle. At one point I even lost my boner while banging her and she said "I wish you didn't watch so much porn". I think my general lack of energy that night was more to blame, but this is still an example of how my bad habits intruded into my relationships as well.
I lack much social drive, social ambition, drive to pursue women, and sincere interest in other people. I also have problems with shame, anger, self-hate, lingering on the past, sleeping too much, lack of confidence, etc.
3. Video Games - Every night I have dreams that I'm in a video games. Most recently, I'm in battlefield 3, except battlefield 3 IN REAL LIFE, but in a dream. Last night I was killing off tones of Chinese navy dudes trying to attack my trench. It was me and 1 other guy straight slaughtering dudes. Other nights I'm in my helicopter with my Dad as the gunner and we're ripping squads to shreds with our mini-guns. Before there usually wasn't much killing involved, but now there is. The dreams get more and more real and violent.
Jailbreak is also a stupid game I got hooked on. I spend hours and hours and hours on end playing sometimes.
I love the intense stimulation and ability to escape and enter a virtual world. However, interacting with preteens and shit playing games so much living in a virtual world at 23 years old, isn't good. The longest I've not played in the last 2 years was about 6 weeks, and even then I would fantasize about games. But then again, after that 6 weeks my drive and social skills skyrocketed. I was a fun motherfucker to me around because I wasn't such a stimulation junkie, I was the stimulation. Now I stay up to 4, 5, 6 am just to hear the epic victory music, missing classes, appointments, and showing up late to work every day.
I get an adrenaline rush from playing with a good squad, and sometimes get downright pissed off when I lose.
4. The Internet - It's and endless source of information. Behind a keyboard and an internet connection, I literally have the world at my fingertips. It's socially acceptable, provides instant gratification (more stimulation with just a click), enables one to be endlessly stimulated, and , shit, it's endless. You can find ANYTHING on the internet, and I mean ANYTHING!!!! The first thing I do when I wake up is get on my computer, and the last thing I do before I go to sleep is turn my computer off. This needs to stop.
I need to live beyond the desk and keyboard, beyond the illuminated LED monitor, beyond the endless source of information. I need to live in the real world and be unplugged from the matrix.
5. Anger - Lately I've been reading a book about anger and they characterize what they called a "Rageaholic". In basic terms, this is someone who has learned to live angrily and use anger as a large part of their way of living. These people use anger sometimes to control, use raging as a form of expressing themselves, find pleasure in the "anger rush" they get from being violent, rely on anger as a way to feel powerful, and have been angry so much they trained their minds to naturally react with anger and hold onto grudges.
Now I mentioned I'm a person of highs and lows, I'm rarely in between, so my anger as been a problem through my whole life. I've been kicked out of schools, gotten into fights, whooped people's asses, gotten my ass whooped, said very mean things to people, have destroyed about 5 windshield, caused tons of damage to my apartments, broken countless objects, have physically harmed myself, and have gotten a DUI from finally getting caught during my rampages driving drunk at 120mph while raging down the 405 at 3am listening to Wocka Flocka Flame.
It's been like this since I was like 3 and it needs to stop. My brain is wired to be an angry person and I need to change it. The thing is, I can also be really kind, loving, happy, compassionate, and calm. The problem is I don't really stay that way if I swing or get pissed off, or thing about some dumb shit to piss me off.
I'm sure once I stop the first 3, my mind will be clearer to tackle #4, but I want to know how I can get there, and stay there, without doing any crazy shit from withdrawals. Usually when I quit smoking, no, every time I quit smoking something happens. I have a manic rage episode and break shit or get extremely aggressive and do crazy shit and break shit or get fired from my job or drive like a maniac. Living in Los Angeles having to deal with a piece of shit car driving in parking lot traffic up the 405 and taking shit from rich people at the hotel where I work full time hasn't necessarily provided me with a "calm" environment to help me transition.
I'm seriously dependent on the weed right now but I know if I stop for 2 weeks it'll get a lot easier, I just don't want to get into trouble the first 2. I don't think quitting the fapping will be that hard as long as I'm not on the computer and am more active.
Not sure how I can resist the gaming since I still use my computer for a number of other important activities. I've uninstalled games, just to reinstall them when the urge comes strong enough. Sitting on my computer also, potentially, leads to fapping. I considered selling my desktop and getting a laptop so I wont have this huge battlestation sitting in my bedroom, and the simple fact that my laptop wouldn't be powerful enough to run a game.
I thought about taking a week off from work, and dedicating that time to a yoga class a day, along with daily meditation, hikes, going to the gym, maybe even taking dance classes, reading self-help books, going to meetings, eating healthy, maybe juice fasting, and writing about self-improvement, goals, etc. just to give me a pit of a mental refresher and give me a clearer mind to approach these problems for the upcoming month.
My goal is to change my whole mindset, without going too crazy in the process. I can't get arrested and I can't go to jail, I gotta make these changes in a safe controlled manner. Not saying I want effortless, painless change. I just want to approach this in a manner that will make me stick and keep me from relapsing.
Too long, didn't read:
I don't wanna permanently quit fapping, just end my cravings to watch porn, and my dependency on it to be sexually stimulated. I don't expect to permanently quit weed, but for a while I do so I can learn to function and be happy without it. My use of the internet is something I need to control a lot more. There's too much to do in life beside sit behind a keyboard! The constant stimulation probably has a bit to do with my bipolar disorder and mood swings. I can't get angry anymore. It's time for me to control the emotion, not have the emotion control me. There are so many powerful things I can do if I could just focus and gain control.
I need my mind to reset.
1. Weed - I've been smoking since I was 12 so that's basically the last 11 years (I'm 23). The longest I've not smoked was about a year or 2 between age 17-19 and those were honestly some of the most exciting times of my life. I may have smoked here or there at a party, but fuck, I live in LA, we smoke weed the way fat people drink soda. My symptoms have been general laziness, overeating, psychotic thoughts, over-thinking about the past, not giving a shit about anything, major procrastination, and not being able to enjoy stuff unless I'm stoned. I'm super socially lazy sloth, foul bachelor frog, and because of my addictions in total, is making me more socially awkward penguin.
I've tried quitting multiple times but I get extremely sharp withdrawals that just get stronger the more I smoke. Mainly aggression, rage, and violent thoughts are the characteristics I develop. Did I mention I was bipolar? Not full blown bipolar though. Smoking treees keeps me more at a stable medium, whenever I stop I get more mood swings. It's a big problem because of the violent part, I can't get into anymore trouble.
However, I've not, *not* smoked more than 3 weeks in like 3 years. I think my brain needs a break cause I smoke All day, Everyday, Californ, I.A.
2. Pornography and Jacking Off - I wounldn't say I'm a pedobear pron addict, but more of a foul bachelor frog. I've been fapping since I was about 10. When I was 16 and got really spiritual I didn't fap for a year. As I look back I must say I've had some amazingly glorious experiences that year, and got buff as fuck from working out. When I started jacking off again I felt the guilt, shame, low energy levels, lack of drive, etc that you get from overmasturbationg.
Only until recently this year has it became a problem. I stopped working out and started fapping more. I often times get stuck in a smoke-playvideogames-eat-jackoff-sleep-repeat cycle any moment I am not at work, and it's quite destructive to my consciousness. I also got a girlfriend this year, and it came to the point where I could not orgasm sometimes unless I was thinking about a porno scene.
She was a beautiful, sexy as fuck girl. She was a good fuck and her pussy and mouth felt great. Her body was hot and she gave me great head and let me fuck her really good. However, I had this same problem with a number of girls before her, so I know it's not because I didn't like her. Nowadays I don't even get hard from porn sometimes, and have to fantasize about my ex to cum, which still leads to the fantasizing problem--the fact that I'm getting off on fantasizing about something else and not being pleased enough by the visual and sensory stimulus alone.
She's now my ex gf because of my lifestyle. At one point I even lost my boner while banging her and she said "I wish you didn't watch so much porn". I think my general lack of energy that night was more to blame, but this is still an example of how my bad habits intruded into my relationships as well.
I lack much social drive, social ambition, drive to pursue women, and sincere interest in other people. I also have problems with shame, anger, self-hate, lingering on the past, sleeping too much, lack of confidence, etc.
3. Video Games - Every night I have dreams that I'm in a video games. Most recently, I'm in battlefield 3, except battlefield 3 IN REAL LIFE, but in a dream. Last night I was killing off tones of Chinese navy dudes trying to attack my trench. It was me and 1 other guy straight slaughtering dudes. Other nights I'm in my helicopter with my Dad as the gunner and we're ripping squads to shreds with our mini-guns. Before there usually wasn't much killing involved, but now there is. The dreams get more and more real and violent.
Jailbreak is also a stupid game I got hooked on. I spend hours and hours and hours on end playing sometimes.
I love the intense stimulation and ability to escape and enter a virtual world. However, interacting with preteens and shit playing games so much living in a virtual world at 23 years old, isn't good. The longest I've not played in the last 2 years was about 6 weeks, and even then I would fantasize about games. But then again, after that 6 weeks my drive and social skills skyrocketed. I was a fun motherfucker to me around because I wasn't such a stimulation junkie, I was the stimulation. Now I stay up to 4, 5, 6 am just to hear the epic victory music, missing classes, appointments, and showing up late to work every day.
I get an adrenaline rush from playing with a good squad, and sometimes get downright pissed off when I lose.
4. The Internet - It's and endless source of information. Behind a keyboard and an internet connection, I literally have the world at my fingertips. It's socially acceptable, provides instant gratification (more stimulation with just a click), enables one to be endlessly stimulated, and , shit, it's endless. You can find ANYTHING on the internet, and I mean ANYTHING!!!! The first thing I do when I wake up is get on my computer, and the last thing I do before I go to sleep is turn my computer off. This needs to stop.
I need to live beyond the desk and keyboard, beyond the illuminated LED monitor, beyond the endless source of information. I need to live in the real world and be unplugged from the matrix.
5. Anger - Lately I've been reading a book about anger and they characterize what they called a "Rageaholic". In basic terms, this is someone who has learned to live angrily and use anger as a large part of their way of living. These people use anger sometimes to control, use raging as a form of expressing themselves, find pleasure in the "anger rush" they get from being violent, rely on anger as a way to feel powerful, and have been angry so much they trained their minds to naturally react with anger and hold onto grudges.
Now I mentioned I'm a person of highs and lows, I'm rarely in between, so my anger as been a problem through my whole life. I've been kicked out of schools, gotten into fights, whooped people's asses, gotten my ass whooped, said very mean things to people, have destroyed about 5 windshield, caused tons of damage to my apartments, broken countless objects, have physically harmed myself, and have gotten a DUI from finally getting caught during my rampages driving drunk at 120mph while raging down the 405 at 3am listening to Wocka Flocka Flame.
It's been like this since I was like 3 and it needs to stop. My brain is wired to be an angry person and I need to change it. The thing is, I can also be really kind, loving, happy, compassionate, and calm. The problem is I don't really stay that way if I swing or get pissed off, or thing about some dumb shit to piss me off.
I'm sure once I stop the first 3, my mind will be clearer to tackle #4, but I want to know how I can get there, and stay there, without doing any crazy shit from withdrawals. Usually when I quit smoking, no, every time I quit smoking something happens. I have a manic rage episode and break shit or get extremely aggressive and do crazy shit and break shit or get fired from my job or drive like a maniac. Living in Los Angeles having to deal with a piece of shit car driving in parking lot traffic up the 405 and taking shit from rich people at the hotel where I work full time hasn't necessarily provided me with a "calm" environment to help me transition.
I'm seriously dependent on the weed right now but I know if I stop for 2 weeks it'll get a lot easier, I just don't want to get into trouble the first 2. I don't think quitting the fapping will be that hard as long as I'm not on the computer and am more active.
Not sure how I can resist the gaming since I still use my computer for a number of other important activities. I've uninstalled games, just to reinstall them when the urge comes strong enough. Sitting on my computer also, potentially, leads to fapping. I considered selling my desktop and getting a laptop so I wont have this huge battlestation sitting in my bedroom, and the simple fact that my laptop wouldn't be powerful enough to run a game.
I thought about taking a week off from work, and dedicating that time to a yoga class a day, along with daily meditation, hikes, going to the gym, maybe even taking dance classes, reading self-help books, going to meetings, eating healthy, maybe juice fasting, and writing about self-improvement, goals, etc. just to give me a pit of a mental refresher and give me a clearer mind to approach these problems for the upcoming month.
My goal is to change my whole mindset, without going too crazy in the process. I can't get arrested and I can't go to jail, I gotta make these changes in a safe controlled manner. Not saying I want effortless, painless change. I just want to approach this in a manner that will make me stick and keep me from relapsing.
Too long, didn't read:
I don't wanna permanently quit fapping, just end my cravings to watch porn, and my dependency on it to be sexually stimulated. I don't expect to permanently quit weed, but for a while I do so I can learn to function and be happy without it. My use of the internet is something I need to control a lot more. There's too much to do in life beside sit behind a keyboard! The constant stimulation probably has a bit to do with my bipolar disorder and mood swings. I can't get angry anymore. It's time for me to control the emotion, not have the emotion control me. There are so many powerful things I can do if I could just focus and gain control.
I need my mind to reset.
To-Do Lists 2012
1. Go to Coachella
2. Go to EDC In Vegas
3. Travel to Europe
4. Visit New York City or Chicago
5. Go to Burning Man
6. Make new friends
7. Make peace with my past
8. Manage my emotions better
9. Go Snowboarding
10. Learn to surf better
11. Get a better job, or get promoted
12. Move out of my Mom's house and stay moved out.
13. Be able to pay most of my bills on my own
14. Make music
15. Go skydiving
16. Find my passion and keep it going
17. Finish up Spring and Fall semesters Successfully at CSUN
18. Land a paid summer internship
19. Fall into the dance scene again!
20. Finally, create more works of art!!!!!
21. Get sexy as fuck!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
22. Learn to like eating pussy
2. Go to EDC In Vegas
3. Travel to Europe
4. Visit New York City or Chicago
5. Go to Burning Man
6. Make new friends
7. Make peace with my past
8. Manage my emotions better
9. Go Snowboarding
10. Learn to surf better
11. Get a better job, or get promoted
12. Move out of my Mom's house and stay moved out.
13. Be able to pay most of my bills on my own
14. Make music
15. Go skydiving
16. Find my passion and keep it going
17. Finish up Spring and Fall semesters Successfully at CSUN
18. Land a paid summer internship
19. Fall into the dance scene again!
20. Finally, create more works of art!!!!!
21. Get sexy as fuck!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
22. Learn to like eating pussy
January 09, 2012
Best Moments of 201+1
in no particular ordeR.
2. Killing the choreography to "Raincheck" in Jian's Class at the Edge
3. Me and Anna playing video games hitting the bong and listening to music
4. Having my friend from The Ailey School come visit
5. My kickback I had before going to Las Vegas
6. Going to Joshua Tree with Anna
7. Seeing the Blue Man Group and Cirque du Soleil's "KA" in Vegas
8. Anna surprising me for my birthday
9. Surprising Anna for her birthday
10. Finally getting a fucking job!!!!
11. Pool kickback in Torrance
12. Anna taking me to Pink Taco!!!
13. Discovering new music, especially Toro Y Moi and the Chillwave genre
14. Valentine's Day with Anna
15. Rebecca Black's "Friday"
16. Learning how to hack into my wii and also manual upgrade my computer hardware
17. First date with Anna
18. Getting better at Rapping and Freestyling
19. Making up songs with Anna
20. Seeing my friend Collin, Hiking with Anna, Getting a Job, Seeing a Ballet, and Going to a loft party all in one day!
January 08, 2012
Hours
This would have been first job out of the 12 I've worked, that I actually get promoted at. Last week the bosses turned my promotion down because I'm late all the time. They used the word tardy this time around. When I got written up, and the word tardy was repeated, it echoed through my life and brought back memories of detention, meetings with the principal, extracurricular witholdings, being denied entry, cancelled interviews, missed scenes, bad looks from "on-timers", getting kicked out of programs, pink slips I had to run from one office to another, tardy sweeps where they held us in rooms for hours doing not jack shit instead of being in class, phone calls to my parents, and missed opportunities.
Being the rebel I am, I wrote "Better late than never, but never late is better" on the write-up sheet.
Late.
I'm not disrespectful of your time. If it comes off that way, I apologize. You see I'm just one of those people that always comes late no matter how hard I try. I mean, I can keep up a good streak for like 4 weeks, but that's a record in itself right there. Every single school, job, class, whatever, I was always late. Always.
I can even remember the voice of my teachers and counselors in grade school and middle school giving me shit about being late, even though I was always smarter than the slow fucks in the rest of my classes.
I really should get it together but I don't know how. I already tried all of the "tricks". There's really no trick to it other than time management. My Dad was always late to everything, maybe I got it from him.
Who knows and what does it matter. All I know is that if I continue being late to everything, I'm going to get nowhere. I really want to change this, but shit, I walked in late again.
Being the rebel I am, I wrote "Better late than never, but never late is better" on the write-up sheet.
Late.
I'm not disrespectful of your time. If it comes off that way, I apologize. You see I'm just one of those people that always comes late no matter how hard I try. I mean, I can keep up a good streak for like 4 weeks, but that's a record in itself right there. Every single school, job, class, whatever, I was always late. Always.
I can even remember the voice of my teachers and counselors in grade school and middle school giving me shit about being late, even though I was always smarter than the slow fucks in the rest of my classes.
I really should get it together but I don't know how. I already tried all of the "tricks". There's really no trick to it other than time management. My Dad was always late to everything, maybe I got it from him.
Who knows and what does it matter. All I know is that if I continue being late to everything, I'm going to get nowhere. I really want to change this, but shit, I walked in late again.
Man Enough
I'm not fucking man enough for anyone. My ex told me I wasn't man enough for her. My bitch ass boss tells me I need to fucking grow up and be a man. My fucking mom tells me I need to be a man.
I'm not a fucking man. I don't know how to be a fucking man. My Dad never taught me shit except "don't do anything you wouldn't want to get caught doing", which is the most useless shit I ever heard. I didn't wanna get caught doing some of the shit I did recently, but I did it anyway. Fuck karma.
Karma is just some shit people make up so they'd have more motivation to control their behavior and be less inclined to enact revenge. But why am I so fucked up? is it karma getting back at me and me continuing to be in denial? who the fuck knows.
It was a mildly good day. I was late to work as usual, got written up as expected, had to hear my bitch ass boss tell me shit about how I need to grow up and be a man and how I'm gonna get fired next time I'm late. It's funny people wanna tell you what to do, but nobody gives a shit to tell you how to do it. People tell you "you need to do this" or "you need to do that". NO FUCKING SHIT IF I FUCKING KNEW HOW TO FIX IT I WOULD HAVE DONE IT ALREADY.
After work I hung out at the park next to the bluffs by the ocean. I prayed and meditated. It was a good prayer until I asked for help with moving on from my past. Violent thoughts rushed into my head as I fantasized about committing suicide by jumping off a cliff into a busy road, but I didn't like the idea of the pain of the initial impact, and how long it would take for me to eventually die thereafter or the possibility of having my fall broken by landing on a car and surviving the incident. Then I thought about my ex and more angry thoughts rushed through my head. My blood pressure rose and everything sped up. I went to my car but I couldn't let myself drive in an angry mood. So I got out and meditated until I was able to let the thoughts pass without too much reaction.
I read that one of the goals of meditation is to quiet the body so it cannot distract the mind from concentration. I remixed that saying and took it more as a goal of meditation is to quiet our "primal" brain and devote more energy to using our forebrain or logical/reasoning brain, so that we should not be so controlled by our primal urges.
Went to a bar later that night with a coworker. Last time I went out with him I got a DUI after I drank too much and thought about how much of a fucking loser I am and my lack of social achievement, something I will write about later. Fuck social achievement and fuck life. I recall being happy once. I was doing a lot of things in my life by myself. At 16, though, you'd expect me to have friends. I really didn't. I met random people I never saw again and formed endless meaningless connections yet I felt more full of love at this time period than any other in my life. One day a girl asked me "why are you always by yourself, don't you have any friends?" and from then on I judged myself as insignificant due to my lack of social success.
Someone said you shouldn't speak in anger but I didn't choose to be angry when I got here. I was doing good, actually, after my coworker lectured me for 2 hours on how to improve my life after the club. On the way home outta nowhere I just got really, really aggravated trying to find the entrance to the 101 North so I could fucking get home already. Went from calm driving to reckless driving, and I guess my thoughts went reckless as well. Started thinking about how I don't have any discipline, and my father's only suggestion was to join the military. Why couldn't that useless fuck of existence taught me some discipline himself? Why did that fuck have to get married and give birth to this stupid fuckup?
But enough blaming other people. I thought about my ex who also looked down on me and said I'm weak minded and shit. Start cussing her out in my thoughts, yelling at my windshield and smashing the shit out of my gas pedal as I sped down the highways still buzzing from the club.
People don't realize how fortunate they are to have a family and have been nurtured and raised by a community. What pisses me off is how they judge people that don't have the same set of morals or concepts that they were raised with as if we were less moral than them because we're not a fortunate as they are. I'm hoping this will change and maybe "family people" will learn to accept a bastard like me. My grandfather was an orphan and his father was killed after being cut in half during a freak elevator accident.
My anger died down by the time I got home. Then, I don't know, I started smashing shit up outta nowhere. I don't even know why I was mad. Then the cycle repeats. My mom wakes up, tells me to quiet down, speaks low of me. I decide the only solution is to punish myself so I start mutilating myself and now I'm here about to smoke some weed because it's the only thing that calms me down but also the the that's ruining my life and my ability to think in a sensible manner. I'm such a fucking asshole for giving my mom shit all these years. I should punish myself some more.
So in a bit I'll go to sleep and probably dream about video games and killing people and shit. Tired of being in a fucking video game all the time. Maybe I'm still a fucking kid, dreaming about video games and throwing fits and breaking shit. Do you have any fucking genius solutions to turn me into a man?
I have a plan though. A 90-day play. It's going to be hard and it's going to fucking suck but it's necessary.
But why did I get so mad? Nothing happened to make me this upset besides driving in a circle for 20 minutes trying to find a freeway entrance. My ex thinks I'm a little bitch and that I just overreact to shit, but I think it's different. Shit that pisses me off doesn't enrage normal people the way it does me. People who aren't bi-polar will never understand. They just think were fucking assholes who want excuses to be dramatic. I don't have an "anger buildup" like a lot of people do. During my episodes I go straight from a normal mood to full-out blind rage where I lose all sense of conscious thought, with little time, if any, between the states. Maybe I was just drunk though. I felt aggravation building but ignored it as I was compelled to aggressively drive until I found my freeway entrance. It's really important for me to be aware of my anger building and try to slow down the process as I easily slip into complete rage.
Better luck tomorrow.
I'm not a fucking man. I don't know how to be a fucking man. My Dad never taught me shit except "don't do anything you wouldn't want to get caught doing", which is the most useless shit I ever heard. I didn't wanna get caught doing some of the shit I did recently, but I did it anyway. Fuck karma.
Karma is just some shit people make up so they'd have more motivation to control their behavior and be less inclined to enact revenge. But why am I so fucked up? is it karma getting back at me and me continuing to be in denial? who the fuck knows.
It was a mildly good day. I was late to work as usual, got written up as expected, had to hear my bitch ass boss tell me shit about how I need to grow up and be a man and how I'm gonna get fired next time I'm late. It's funny people wanna tell you what to do, but nobody gives a shit to tell you how to do it. People tell you "you need to do this" or "you need to do that". NO FUCKING SHIT IF I FUCKING KNEW HOW TO FIX IT I WOULD HAVE DONE IT ALREADY.
After work I hung out at the park next to the bluffs by the ocean. I prayed and meditated. It was a good prayer until I asked for help with moving on from my past. Violent thoughts rushed into my head as I fantasized about committing suicide by jumping off a cliff into a busy road, but I didn't like the idea of the pain of the initial impact, and how long it would take for me to eventually die thereafter or the possibility of having my fall broken by landing on a car and surviving the incident. Then I thought about my ex and more angry thoughts rushed through my head. My blood pressure rose and everything sped up. I went to my car but I couldn't let myself drive in an angry mood. So I got out and meditated until I was able to let the thoughts pass without too much reaction.
I read that one of the goals of meditation is to quiet the body so it cannot distract the mind from concentration. I remixed that saying and took it more as a goal of meditation is to quiet our "primal" brain and devote more energy to using our forebrain or logical/reasoning brain, so that we should not be so controlled by our primal urges.
Went to a bar later that night with a coworker. Last time I went out with him I got a DUI after I drank too much and thought about how much of a fucking loser I am and my lack of social achievement, something I will write about later. Fuck social achievement and fuck life. I recall being happy once. I was doing a lot of things in my life by myself. At 16, though, you'd expect me to have friends. I really didn't. I met random people I never saw again and formed endless meaningless connections yet I felt more full of love at this time period than any other in my life. One day a girl asked me "why are you always by yourself, don't you have any friends?" and from then on I judged myself as insignificant due to my lack of social success.
Someone said you shouldn't speak in anger but I didn't choose to be angry when I got here. I was doing good, actually, after my coworker lectured me for 2 hours on how to improve my life after the club. On the way home outta nowhere I just got really, really aggravated trying to find the entrance to the 101 North so I could fucking get home already. Went from calm driving to reckless driving, and I guess my thoughts went reckless as well. Started thinking about how I don't have any discipline, and my father's only suggestion was to join the military. Why couldn't that useless fuck of existence taught me some discipline himself? Why did that fuck have to get married and give birth to this stupid fuckup?
But enough blaming other people. I thought about my ex who also looked down on me and said I'm weak minded and shit. Start cussing her out in my thoughts, yelling at my windshield and smashing the shit out of my gas pedal as I sped down the highways still buzzing from the club.
People don't realize how fortunate they are to have a family and have been nurtured and raised by a community. What pisses me off is how they judge people that don't have the same set of morals or concepts that they were raised with as if we were less moral than them because we're not a fortunate as they are. I'm hoping this will change and maybe "family people" will learn to accept a bastard like me. My grandfather was an orphan and his father was killed after being cut in half during a freak elevator accident.
My anger died down by the time I got home. Then, I don't know, I started smashing shit up outta nowhere. I don't even know why I was mad. Then the cycle repeats. My mom wakes up, tells me to quiet down, speaks low of me. I decide the only solution is to punish myself so I start mutilating myself and now I'm here about to smoke some weed because it's the only thing that calms me down but also the the that's ruining my life and my ability to think in a sensible manner. I'm such a fucking asshole for giving my mom shit all these years. I should punish myself some more.
So in a bit I'll go to sleep and probably dream about video games and killing people and shit. Tired of being in a fucking video game all the time. Maybe I'm still a fucking kid, dreaming about video games and throwing fits and breaking shit. Do you have any fucking genius solutions to turn me into a man?
I have a plan though. A 90-day play. It's going to be hard and it's going to fucking suck but it's necessary.
But why did I get so mad? Nothing happened to make me this upset besides driving in a circle for 20 minutes trying to find a freeway entrance. My ex thinks I'm a little bitch and that I just overreact to shit, but I think it's different. Shit that pisses me off doesn't enrage normal people the way it does me. People who aren't bi-polar will never understand. They just think were fucking assholes who want excuses to be dramatic. I don't have an "anger buildup" like a lot of people do. During my episodes I go straight from a normal mood to full-out blind rage where I lose all sense of conscious thought, with little time, if any, between the states. Maybe I was just drunk though. I felt aggravation building but ignored it as I was compelled to aggressively drive until I found my freeway entrance. It's really important for me to be aware of my anger building and try to slow down the process as I easily slip into complete rage.
Better luck tomorrow.
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