Man Enough

I'm not fucking man enough for anyone. My ex told me I wasn't man enough for her. My bitch ass boss tells me I need to fucking grow up and be a man. My fucking mom tells me I need to be a man.

I'm not a fucking man. I don't know how to be a fucking man. My Dad never taught me shit except "don't do anything you wouldn't want to get caught doing", which is the most useless shit I ever heard. I didn't wanna get caught doing some of the shit I did recently, but I did it anyway. Fuck karma.

Karma is just some shit people make up so they'd have more motivation to control their behavior and be less inclined to enact revenge. But why am I so fucked up? is it karma getting back at me and me continuing to be in denial? who the fuck knows.

It was a mildly good day. I was late to work as usual, got written up as expected, had to hear my bitch ass boss tell me shit about how I need to grow up and be a man and how I'm gonna get fired next time I'm late. It's funny people wanna tell you what to do, but nobody gives a shit to tell you how to do it. People tell you "you need to do this" or "you need to do that". NO FUCKING SHIT IF I FUCKING KNEW HOW TO FIX IT I WOULD HAVE DONE IT ALREADY.

After work I hung out at the park next to the bluffs by the ocean. I prayed and meditated. It was a good prayer until I asked for help with moving on from my past. Violent thoughts rushed into my head as I fantasized about committing suicide by jumping off a cliff into a busy road, but I didn't like the idea of the pain of the initial impact, and how long it would take for me to eventually die thereafter or the possibility of having my fall broken by landing on a car and surviving the incident. Then I thought about my ex and more angry thoughts rushed through my head. My blood pressure rose and everything sped up. I went to my car but I couldn't let myself drive in an angry mood. So I got out and meditated until I was able to let the thoughts pass without too much reaction.

I read that one of the goals of meditation is to quiet the body so it cannot distract the mind from concentration. I remixed that saying and took it more as a goal of meditation is to quiet our "primal" brain and devote more energy to using our forebrain or logical/reasoning brain, so that we should not be so controlled by our primal urges.

Went to a bar later that night with a coworker. Last time I went out with him I got a DUI after I drank too much and thought about how much of a fucking loser I am and my lack of social achievement, something I will write about later. Fuck social achievement and fuck life. I recall being happy once. I was doing a lot of things in my life by myself. At 16, though, you'd expect me to have friends. I really didn't. I met random people I never saw again and formed endless meaningless connections yet I felt more full of love at this time period than any other in my life. One day a girl asked me "why are you always by yourself, don't you have any friends?" and from then on I judged myself as insignificant due to my lack of social success.

Someone said you shouldn't speak in anger but I didn't choose to be angry when I got here. I was doing good, actually, after my coworker lectured me for 2 hours on how to improve my life after the club. On the way home outta nowhere I just got really, really aggravated trying to find the entrance to the 101 North so I could  fucking get home already. Went from calm driving to reckless driving, and I guess my thoughts went reckless as well. Started thinking about how I don't have any discipline, and my father's only suggestion was to join the military. Why couldn't that useless fuck of existence taught me some discipline himself? Why did that fuck have to get married and give birth to this stupid fuckup?

But enough blaming other people. I thought about my ex who also looked down on me and said I'm weak minded and shit. Start cussing her out in my thoughts, yelling at my windshield and smashing the shit out of my gas pedal as I sped down the highways still buzzing from the club.

People don't realize how fortunate they are to have a family and have been nurtured and raised by a community. What pisses me off is how they judge people that don't have the same set of morals or concepts that they were raised with as if we were less moral than them because we're not a fortunate as they are. I'm hoping this will change and maybe "family people" will learn to accept a bastard like me. My grandfather was an orphan and his father was killed after being cut in half during a freak elevator accident.

My anger died down by the time I got home. Then, I don't know, I started smashing shit up outta nowhere. I don't even know why I was mad.  Then the cycle repeats. My mom wakes up, tells me to quiet down, speaks low of me. I decide the only solution is to punish myself so I start mutilating myself and now I'm here about to smoke some weed because it's the only thing that calms me down but also the the that's ruining my life and my ability to think in a sensible manner. I'm such a fucking asshole for giving my mom shit all these years. I should punish myself some more.

So in a bit I'll go to sleep and probably dream about video games and killing people and shit. Tired of being in a fucking video game all the time. Maybe I'm still a fucking kid, dreaming about video games and throwing fits and breaking shit. Do you have any fucking genius solutions to turn me into a man?

I have a plan though. A 90-day play. It's going to be hard and it's going to fucking suck but it's necessary.

But why did I get so mad? Nothing happened to make me this upset besides driving in a circle for 20 minutes trying to find a freeway entrance. My ex thinks I'm a little bitch and that I just overreact to shit, but I think it's different. Shit that pisses me off doesn't enrage normal people the way it does me. People who aren't bi-polar will never understand. They just think were fucking assholes who want excuses to be dramatic. I don't have an "anger buildup" like a lot of people do. During my episodes I go straight from a normal mood to full-out blind rage where I lose all sense of conscious thought, with little time, if any, between the states. Maybe I was just drunk though. I felt aggravation building but ignored it as I was compelled to aggressively drive until I found my freeway entrance. It's really important for me to be aware of my anger building and try to slow down the process as I easily slip into complete rage.

Better luck tomorrow.