It wasn't easy. I didn't expected it to be easy, but I did expect it to be worth it. Since I was so busy with work, getting ready for school, and getting my life together, I really didn't have time to allow my thoughts to wander off to negative planes too much. I can't confess that I didn't have moments of anger or being upset, but I can give myself a pat on the back that I didn't freak out like I thought I would. I'm actually surprised.
I spent the first few weeks of January researching addiction, treatments, other people's stories, motivational content, solutions, self-treatments, and really just uploaded my brain with life hacks. It's a new year so it's time for upgrades. Mind upgrades.
I took the step, I didn't smoke. Didn't even have an urge to. The urge to change my life was far stronger. That Monday was Martin Luther King Day, and I remembered his quote:
Take the first step in faith. You don't have to see the whole staircase, just take the first step.
In the daytime my energy level was higher. I had more mental clarity, actually remembered things instead of having no short term memory, and enjoyed my social experiences more. I wasn't socially lazy sloth anymore. I listened to people's responses and actually cared about what they had to say. It's like I actually had an invested interest in people, and wasn't just spacing out while I waited for my chance to speak. The conversations I've had have been a lot stronger, my own social ambitions have shined more, and as a result, went to three parties and got four numbers without even having an agenda to do so.
Since my mind wasn't in a daze, I had a lot more awareness of my thoughts, where they were going, which thoughts triggered what emotion, which ones were serving me and which ones weren't.
When the sun went down, though, everything was different. Since I was also trying to fix my sleeping schedule, I tried going to bed earlier. I'm used to staying up until 4 or 5 in the morning with some smoke-fap-nap sessions in between. Since Battlefield 3: Back to Karkand has came out, I found myself pulling all-night gaming marathons blasting away my competition in digital world until 8 in the morning. I had to see the sun rise to convince myself it was time to sleep.
So when I tried to sleep, I just couldn't. I tried stretching, reading a book, doing abdominal breathing, nothing helped. Many dark thoughts kept visiting me while I was trying to sleep. I found myself arguing with my ex-girlfriend over and over in my mind, having psychotic thoughts, and being pulled in many different directions by worry, sadness, and shame. The emotions those thoughts triggered would only wake me up more. The first day I didn't sleep, so I thought "alright I'll probably just fall asleep tomorrow", but I didn't. In fact I was awake for four days and three nights straight without a single moment of sleep. In the daytime I felt fine and full of energy, but at night I wanted to fall asleep but couldn't. It was like my body was compensating for all the weed naps I took.
On the first night I tried to start my workout routine. Perhaps that woke me up a lot more and since I was unable to sleep, my muscles were unable to recover. It was strange feeling like I was in the post-weightlifting state without being able to walk normally. I was doing squads and deadlifts, so I pretty much was walking like a cripple all week. Maybe that's why I didn't freak out or get angry, I simply didn't have the ability to. I was barely able to walk because my muscles were unable to recover.
On the second sleepless night, I had looked up insomnia treatments, and one of the websites explained that the more I think about how I can't sleep, the more it will wake me up. I refused, however, to get up and get back on my computer. The habit needed to be broken. I laid in bed and surrendered myself to God. I prayed to him that the spirit of slumber would come upon me, and even if it didn't, that he would strengthen me and allow me to persevere in my pursuit towards the betterment of life. This contentment grew in my heart, and I knew that the struggle would be worth it. I was ready to face whatever other hardships would come up and I knew God was with me.
I went to see my doctor to get STD tested, have him check my weight, and ask for sleeping pills. He told me to take some Melatonin. At the vitamin shoppe I met an older lady who had asked me what melatonin was, and I told her it was a sleep aide. I explained that I just stopped smoking weed and haven't been able to sleep. She told me her story about how she was a crack addict for 12 years, and how she just got out of prison after being incarcerated for 17 years, and she told me God would bless me for the decision I made. She told me to persist, to pray, to write, to read the Bible, and to put my trust in the Lord.
Receiving her word, I prayed once again that night. Even though the melatonin didn't make me sleepy enough to fall asleep, I still believed that victory would be mine. I still wrestled with evil thoughts, got chased by the zombies of my dead past, was struck down by the worries of my future, was cut by the edge of the mirror of my own shame and guilt, suffered intense bleeding from the wounds my ex left me, and for a moment, I recalled a meditation I did alone on my roof beforehand.
I was doing a small sun salutation, listening to my headphones, and trying to find a little serenity. I remember every time I would get into a pose, I would think about my ex, and her betrayal, and fall out of the pose. Then I realized, for me to truly benefit from the practice, I must hold the pose and let go of the thoughts, not hold on to the thoughts and let go of the pose.
I wont go into the details, but for a moment I knew that I just had to let the thoughts pass. The more I tried to resist them, the more power I gave them. The more I tried to dissect or analyze them, the deeper they would go into my consciousness. Instead of trying to control all of my thoughts as I laid in my bed on yet another sleepless night, I had to let them go. Alone in my room, alone with my thoughts, I just watched the fireworks go off in my mind, but didn't react to them. It was like teaching myself to meditate again,
I hated being alone with my thoughts. I got tired of fighting people I used to know in my mind. I rejoiced opportunities to keep myself busy. I used my tumblr to inspire myself. After collecting inspirational, motivational, and beautiful media, I archived it so that I could use it to help myself. I guess you could say I was "getting high off my own supply".
On the fourth night I had to sleep. I had an interview with MTV for an internship the next morning. I couldn't risk going in there sleepy or half-thinking any of the answers to their questions. I drank a solution called "Calm" which was a magnesium-based drink I used to drink to help my muscles relax, then I took Melatonin, Valerian Root, Chamomile, and submerged myself into a hot bath saturated with Epsom Salt. Finally, I had some sleep. Even though it wasn't a full night, it was enough for my brain to recover a bit. I woke up around 3am and couldn't fall back asleep for a few hours, but It was better than nothing.
That morning I did my yoga, prayed, made breakfast, put on my bow tie, and went fourth. It was probably the toughest interview I ever had, but I prevailed. I got the internship. I finally did it.
I was going to sink low and try to contact my ex for help as she worked and interned at MTV before, but I had to prove to myself that I alone was capable without needing her help, and I conquered, I succeeded, I finally made it somewhere. It was my kindness that got me there. A customer of the spa had struck up conversation with me, and really appreciated my service and the overall fact that I genuinely cared about her experience at the spa. I spoke of my ambitions, and she told me if I emailed her she would try to get my information in the right hands.
Now, I must make a confession. I said I didn't freak out, but I did. Frustrated with not being able to sleep, I picked up my office chair and smashed it on the ground. I also punched my wall a few times, but honestly that is nothing. The other times I've tried sobered up I ended up breaking my door down, or my mirror, car windshield, have physically harmed myself, drawn blood, I could describe the darker actions I've done, but I can't walk down that unlit hall without tripping, so let's just move forward.. Besides, maybe the fact my office chair is broke is a good thing--I can't sit down at the computer for long anymore.
I attended marijuana anonymous, subscribed to a forum for people addicted to marijuana, prayed, and kept myself busy. My mom said at the end of the week I'll be glad I did this, and amen, I am. Glory.
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