So I have a few vices that many be considered minor to some, but have been sabotaging me from making any progress in my life due to my lack of self control, adaptation, and additive behavior.
1. Weed - I've been smoking since I was 12 so that's basically the last 11 years (I'm 23). The longest I've not smoked was about a year or 2 between age 17-19 and those were honestly some of the most exciting times of my life. I may have smoked here or there at a party, but fuck, I live in LA, we smoke weed the way fat people drink soda. My symptoms have been general laziness, overeating, psychotic thoughts, over-thinking about the past, not giving a shit about anything, major procrastination, and not being able to enjoy stuff unless I'm stoned. I'm super socially lazy sloth, foul bachelor frog, and because of my addictions in total, is making me more socially awkward penguin.
I've tried quitting multiple times but I get extremely sharp withdrawals that just get stronger the more I smoke. Mainly aggression, rage, and violent thoughts are the characteristics I develop. Did I mention I was bipolar? Not full blown bipolar though. Smoking treees keeps me more at a stable medium, whenever I stop I get more mood swings. It's a big problem because of the violent part, I can't get into anymore trouble.
However, I've not, *not* smoked more than 3 weeks in like 3 years. I think my brain needs a break cause I smoke All day, Everyday, Californ, I.A.
2. Pornography and Jacking Off - I wounldn't say I'm a pedobear pron addict, but more of a foul bachelor frog. I've been fapping since I was about 10. When I was 16 and got really spiritual I didn't fap for a year. As I look back I must say I've had some amazingly glorious experiences that year, and got buff as fuck from working out. When I started jacking off again I felt the guilt, shame, low energy levels, lack of drive, etc that you get from overmasturbationg.
Only until recently this year has it became a problem. I stopped working out and started fapping more. I often times get stuck in a smoke-playvideogames-eat-jackoff-sleep-repeat cycle any moment I am not at work, and it's quite destructive to my consciousness. I also got a girlfriend this year, and it came to the point where I could not orgasm sometimes unless I was thinking about a porno scene.
She was a beautiful, sexy as fuck girl. She was a good fuck and her pussy and mouth felt great. Her body was hot and she gave me great head and let me fuck her really good. However, I had this same problem with a number of girls before her, so I know it's not because I didn't like her. Nowadays I don't even get hard from porn sometimes, and have to fantasize about my ex to cum, which still leads to the fantasizing problem--the fact that I'm getting off on fantasizing about something else and not being pleased enough by the visual and sensory stimulus alone.
She's now my ex gf because of my lifestyle. At one point I even lost my boner while banging her and she said "I wish you didn't watch so much porn". I think my general lack of energy that night was more to blame, but this is still an example of how my bad habits intruded into my relationships as well.
I lack much social drive, social ambition, drive to pursue women, and sincere interest in other people. I also have problems with shame, anger, self-hate, lingering on the past, sleeping too much, lack of confidence, etc.
3. Video Games - Every night I have dreams that I'm in a video games. Most recently, I'm in battlefield 3, except battlefield 3 IN REAL LIFE, but in a dream. Last night I was killing off tones of Chinese navy dudes trying to attack my trench. It was me and 1 other guy straight slaughtering dudes. Other nights I'm in my helicopter with my Dad as the gunner and we're ripping squads to shreds with our mini-guns. Before there usually wasn't much killing involved, but now there is. The dreams get more and more real and violent.
Jailbreak is also a stupid game I got hooked on. I spend hours and hours and hours on end playing sometimes.
I love the intense stimulation and ability to escape and enter a virtual world. However, interacting with preteens and shit playing games so much living in a virtual world at 23 years old, isn't good. The longest I've not played in the last 2 years was about 6 weeks, and even then I would fantasize about games. But then again, after that 6 weeks my drive and social skills skyrocketed. I was a fun motherfucker to me around because I wasn't such a stimulation junkie, I was the stimulation. Now I stay up to 4, 5, 6 am just to hear the epic victory music, missing classes, appointments, and showing up late to work every day.
I get an adrenaline rush from playing with a good squad, and sometimes get downright pissed off when I lose.
4. The Internet - It's and endless source of information. Behind a keyboard and an internet connection, I literally have the world at my fingertips. It's socially acceptable, provides instant gratification (more stimulation with just a click), enables one to be endlessly stimulated, and , shit, it's endless. You can find ANYTHING on the internet, and I mean ANYTHING!!!! The first thing I do when I wake up is get on my computer, and the last thing I do before I go to sleep is turn my computer off. This needs to stop.
I need to live beyond the desk and keyboard, beyond the illuminated LED monitor, beyond the endless source of information. I need to live in the real world and be unplugged from the matrix.
5. Anger - Lately I've been reading a book about anger and they characterize what they called a "Rageaholic". In basic terms, this is someone who has learned to live angrily and use anger as a large part of their way of living. These people use anger sometimes to control, use raging as a form of expressing themselves, find pleasure in the "anger rush" they get from being violent, rely on anger as a way to feel powerful, and have been angry so much they trained their minds to naturally react with anger and hold onto grudges.
Now I mentioned I'm a person of highs and lows, I'm rarely in between, so my anger as been a problem through my whole life. I've been kicked out of schools, gotten into fights, whooped people's asses, gotten my ass whooped, said very mean things to people, have destroyed about 5 windshield, caused tons of damage to my apartments, broken countless objects, have physically harmed myself, and have gotten a DUI from finally getting caught during my rampages driving drunk at 120mph while raging down the 405 at 3am listening to Wocka Flocka Flame.
It's been like this since I was like 3 and it needs to stop. My brain is wired to be an angry person and I need to change it. The thing is, I can also be really kind, loving, happy, compassionate, and calm. The problem is I don't really stay that way if I swing or get pissed off, or thing about some dumb shit to piss me off.
I'm sure once I stop the first 3, my mind will be clearer to tackle #4, but I want to know how I can get there, and stay there, without doing any crazy shit from withdrawals. Usually when I quit smoking, no, every time I quit smoking something happens. I have a manic rage episode and break shit or get extremely aggressive and do crazy shit and break shit or get fired from my job or drive like a maniac. Living in Los Angeles having to deal with a piece of shit car driving in parking lot traffic up the 405 and taking shit from rich people at the hotel where I work full time hasn't necessarily provided me with a "calm" environment to help me transition.
I'm seriously dependent on the weed right now but I know if I stop for 2 weeks it'll get a lot easier, I just don't want to get into trouble the first 2. I don't think quitting the fapping will be that hard as long as I'm not on the computer and am more active.
Not sure how I can resist the gaming since I still use my computer for a number of other important activities. I've uninstalled games, just to reinstall them when the urge comes strong enough. Sitting on my computer also, potentially, leads to fapping. I considered selling my desktop and getting a laptop so I wont have this huge battlestation sitting in my bedroom, and the simple fact that my laptop wouldn't be powerful enough to run a game.
I thought about taking a week off from work, and dedicating that time to a yoga class a day, along with daily meditation, hikes, going to the gym, maybe even taking dance classes, reading self-help books, going to meetings, eating healthy, maybe juice fasting, and writing about self-improvement, goals, etc. just to give me a pit of a mental refresher and give me a clearer mind to approach these problems for the upcoming month.
My goal is to change my whole mindset, without going too crazy in the process. I can't get arrested and I can't go to jail, I gotta make these changes in a safe controlled manner. Not saying I want effortless, painless change. I just want to approach this in a manner that will make me stick and keep me from relapsing.
Too long, didn't read:
I don't wanna permanently quit fapping, just end my cravings to watch porn, and my dependency on it to be sexually stimulated. I don't expect to permanently quit weed, but for a while I do so I can learn to function and be happy without it. My use of the internet is something I need to control a lot more. There's too much to do in life beside sit behind a keyboard! The constant stimulation probably has a bit to do with my bipolar disorder and mood swings. I can't get angry anymore. It's time for me to control the emotion, not have the emotion control me. There are so many powerful things I can do if I could just focus and gain control.
I need my mind to reset.
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