Let The Sunshine In

Alright, that's it. Time to get up, time to wake up, time to be here, now, present.

It's time to choose life. Choose early morning alarm clocks, the self-help audiobook playing while I sit in parking lot traffic, handing coffee to your colleague after showing up 20 minutes early, shaking new hands and actually caring about what they have to say, pitching my self to girls and getting turned down just to do it again with even more positive outlook, standing in line for the club by myself because I can't stand another night at home alone, oxygen instead of smoke, not giving a fuck what anyone thinks because it's my life, leaping into the endless abyss, following what makes my heart beat like it's the only thing keeping me alive, crossing out my to-do lists like a boss, hitting the books and murdering exams, wiping my sweat off the machines at the gym, saying thanks when people compliment my talents, hitting every beat in the song, greeting my enemies with a smile, no longer looking back because that's not where I'm headed, glorious thoughts at even the most inglorious moments, finding nirvana within myself, building happiness and beauty from the inside-out, giving away my love knowing I may receive pain in return, and laying in bed at the end of the day knowing I did everything I could to make today the best day ever, every day.


So after doing some research I figured out a plan on how I'm going to transform myself into the person I want to be.

The first step will be recovery, which is getting my physical and mental health in a stable condition. This will be mostly attributed to my smoking habits and sedentary lifestyle. The psychotic thoughts, munchies, laziness, and overall state of being high doesn't give me a very clear mind to work with. Also, the short term memory doesn't help, which I forgot to mention before. If I want to work on my problems and create new habits, I must first have a clear mind to do it with.

One thing that I am already afraid of, and am anticipating, is the withdrawals I'm going to get from not smoking. Almost every single time I stop smoking, something happens, in a bad way. My symptoms are usually intense anger, aggression, rage, high irritability, boredom, and overall just being a grump. I was hoping to go to a sober living community, or take a camping trip, or a week off, but it doesn't look like I'll be able to do it with my work schedule getting in the way and the fact that they're not willing to LET ME TAKE A FUCKING WEEK OFF!!! I'm afraid of the withdrawal because usually every single time my aggression gets expressed violently, and I can't get in trouble. My mood swings happen way more often. I have to be extremely vigilant because often times I'm not aware of what will piss me off. I'll just start thinking about a few things and next thing I know my knuckles are bloody from beating the shit out of my steering wheel. I don't even realize I'm angry until it's too late--I've already gone into blind rage.

However, I have to adapt, so I'm going to try and do this with these few inconveniences in the way. I'm planning to add weight training in my schedule 3x a week, cardio on my off days about 3x a week too, and yoga at least 2x a week. I will probably do yoga every day during my first week of sobriety, along with meditation classes. I'm hoping I can immediately apply my excess energy that I will gain into exercising. I'll have to be sure to keep myself calm, so I'll only play calm music and audiobooks when I drive. When I get home, same thing. No intense stimulation, so more than likely, no games. However if the withdrawals are too strong I'll go ahead and play games or jack off ass those are the things that relax me, and the priority of this step is to quit smoking, not quit games and porn just yet.

It would probably help if I had friends to constantly hang out with, but I don't really have that. Oh well, it's my fucking life so I gotta man up and deal with whatever feelings of abandonment that will creep in during my transition. I won't give too much of a shit about work, I'll work at a relaxed pace, and leave my house early so I wont be stressed about parking and driving. I may actually be giving them my two weeks notice as my Spring semester starts in 2 weeks. I'm never sacrificing school for work again. Maybe I'll have to work part time, but fuck it, that's what I have to do. Maybe I wont get done with school as fast as I wont to because I have to work, but I'll just do what I have to do instead of spending another semester upset and bitching about working shitty jobs and how I never finished school.

During this stage I also need to work on a better diet. One fresh-squeezed green juice a day sounds good, along with a protein-rich breakfast, and one large salad sometime during the day. This all at the bare minimum. I don't want to put too much on my plate at once, so I think as long as I cut out junk food, and try to have these three things a day, along with other food, I'll be at a good start. I can't handle any specialized diets just yet, but I will change my diet once I get off the weed and make a solid habit of my exercise routine. So no calorie-counting for now, just ingesting fresh nutrition-rich food.

I'm also going to put bookreading in my schedule. I already read a lot on the internet alone, but I need to dive into a more subtle form of stimulation. One hour of bookreading a day. Something to keep my mind busy and also help me. A coworker told me reading is like a form of meditation, as you have to sit there and concentrate on one thing for an extended duration of time. With school coming up, I also need to re-train my brain to be a student. "A Book Can Change Your Life", I read this written somewhere on Abbot Kinney street in Venice the other day.

The other day I brought back an old ritual. I laid down on my back with the moon shining through my window before I went to sleep, and for a whole minute, imagined who I want to become in great detail. I feel like the thoughts you have before you go to sleep is like planting a seed for how you want your subconscious to think the next day. It's like an archer pulling back his bow and your thoughts control where that bow will be aimed. When you go to sleep, the archer releases the bow into the night sky aka, your subconscious. I had a vision that I was just, really happy. I saw my ex but she saw that I was really happy and couldn't really look down on me anymore. She found my happiness attractive, and I was unaffected by her affection or lack thereof.

It reminded me of the concept of finding happiness from the inside out. I really have to start making myself happy from within and not relying on external stimuli like girls, money, entertainment, gratification, friends, etc. Those things will all flow into my life naturally and gracefully as long as I focus my attention of personal fulfillment and acquire a faith and commitment to carry me along the way. This is truly where the journey is, and this is the journey I must take.

My mom told me she didn't abort me because she believed I had a purpose. If that's so, I can't necessarily expect my life to follow a traditional route I guess. I have to blaze my own way. So let's do this.


too long; didn't read: Quit smoking weed, exercise more, eat healthy, and calm the fuck down.