Challenges

Two days from my second week of sobriety and things are still going well. I've found meditation to be helpful as I went from 5, to, 10, to 15, and will start 20-minute meditation sessions tonight. I start by sitting somewhere that I wouldnt be too distracted, and create a determination in my mind to see through the end of my session as I set the alarm on my phone. I inhale for 5 counts, squeeze my kegel muscles and keep it held in for another 5, then exhale fore 5. I let the numbers build up gradually. The highest I got to the other night was 14/14/14, so basically a 42-second breath.

At the end of last night's meditation it struck me hard that I had class the next morning. Had I not meditated I may have forgotten to wake up. When I got to class the next morning, I was half an hour late, and realized that it was the second class meetings, I missed the first one last week. Knowing I messed up again made me pretty upset. I was disappointed with myself and I was going to just walk out a drop the class, and drop out altogether.

On the pad I was taking notes, I wrote some inspiration to myself, and made a determination to stick it through. A girl named Maya talked to me the other night about how much of a shame it was that I fucked up my life and stopped dancing. She said it was shameful that I always get discouraged, and compare myself to others and end up letting myself down because I'm not getting the results they're getting. I lose focus and rarely commit to one thing. So after class I reminded myself to maintain focus, and made an intrinsic decision to stick it through the class.

This week at CSUN wasn't a successful one. I wasn't able to add a single class. The school decided that they weren't going to allow adds unless you were a graduating senior. So even when I crashed a class that had empty seats, I still wasn't able to add.

I relied on my ex as a ride to get to school last semester, but she dumped me and so I had to drop out. I remember skipping class so I could take her to Catalina Island for her birthday. It was a very disappointing Fall.

I had made appointments with numerous counselors of different departments this Spring to help me decided my major. I had my academic game plan set and was looking forward to this semester. My only goal was to be able to repeat my failed classes from last semester, so that I can fix my GPA to change majors. Due to budget cuts, I won't be able to reach that goal. I can't participate in student government, study abroad, change my major, and worst of all I will no longer be eligible for financial aid since I didn't show academic progress and didn't pass 80% of my classes. I can't afford college.

I did everything I could. Wrote letters. Talked to professors, counselors, and even the Dean. I hit a brick wall. So instead of getting upset, I just clasped my hands in my car, bowed my head, and prayed to the only one I knew that could help me make sense of all of this, and maintain faith through it all.

My bad dreams came true after all, but at least I still have the ocean. I still have my internship to look forward to, along with my DUI classes, community service requirements, marijuana anonymous meetings, and I can still keep my job which I hate. I just hope I can still receive financial aid next semester.

They built an amazing new gym. I had the chance to check it out today. I wish I would be around campus more often to use i, but I'll just have to be patient. My chance will come. I recall the scripture "Let patience have its perfect work, so that you may be complete, lacking nothing."

I really hate my job. I really hate my boss. I wish she would disappear and never come back. Everything was good until she came around. It seems like I can never shove my head up anyone's ass far enough to please her. I thought I was working for a legitimate company, but they're just like any other evil corporation that will squeeze the life out of you in the name of greed. This week I'm going to truly dedicate myself to finding a new job. I fantasize about quitting my job and raging and smashing everything in the place up every day that I drive to work.

I'm also going to start my NoFap challenge today. I had some masturbation sessions and found myself less socially-driven, more tired, less ambitious, and just overall not feeling as good as I was when I wasn't jerking off for the four days I chose not to. Honestly though, I fucking sick and tired of having to chase after women and play with the games they put up. Most of these bitches don't even deserve me. They should take it as an honor I even speak to them. This is a big reason men cheat. Girls make it such a hassle to get to know them, that by the time we get them, we don't even like them anymore. Bitches really aren't shit to me anymore.

But of course, maybe I just state this due to my lack of social success. It's hard as a man, especially when you don't have any real friends, or history, or people to fall back on. Sitting alone in my room in front of this monitor has become my landing pad for such a long time. Sometimes I just want to drive off a cliff and kill myself, but I don't want to grieve my mother, so I stay alive. I know you have to work for the things you want, but things really don't make sense for me in the social world. I'm sure I understand things a lot better than other people, and I'm sure there are other people who wish they had my life, so I best get my confidence back, and be ambitious. I notice that I must first become a person that people would want to be around or hang out with, and that's what I'm working on becoming.

I hate going through my phone asking what people are doing just to end up wasting battery power. I couldn't keep up with my ex. She was a model, a pretty girl, so of course she got invited everywhere. I grow envious of my prettier, cooler, or wealthier associates. They remind me of how much my life sucks and how all the effort I put into improving myself still really hasn't gotten me any good results. Maybe it has though, maybe my vision is darker tonight, maybe I'm not quite exploding into light. Maybe I'm swinging low.

I feel unfulfilled. I look forward to Church tomorrow, and seeing Cirque Du Soleil with my mom. It's been a challenging and busy week and I still haven't gotten any play out of it.