First Step

Today is my first, honest, step into living sober again. I started smoking when I was 13, and did started other drugs at 14. No one wanted to really be my friend at that time, no one had my back in a gang-ridden high neighborhood, I couldn't get any girls, and I didn't have any resources or things to do, school was fucking stupid to me and was a program to cage the animals in my neighborhood and for stupid fucks to feel smart by getting a letter written on their paper for kissing ass, so I turned to drugs. Weed was the only thing that made me happy. I recall my only "good week" in my younger teenage years was having an 8th of weed to smoke for an entire week to myself.

I made weed my lifestyle up until I was 17 after realizing at that time most of the vices in my life were weed related, as I was in a new neighborhood and didn't have to live in fear anymore. I didn't smoke (or masturbate) for about 2 years after that. I may have smoked a few times in the 2nd year but never turned myself back on to weed.

I started smoking again after I sprained my ankle when I was 20. Dancing was what I loved, and what kept me from doing bad things. After I wasn't able to dance, I started gaming, drinking, and smoking heavily. My ankle eventually healed, but I kept the substance abuse habits with me.

Years later, as an adult, I was able to lead what seemed to be a stable lifestyle. I had friends, girlfriends, sex partners, money, talent, and a job. However, after some broken dream, many missed opportunities, bad breakups, and a night in jail later, all of those things have faded away and I'm back at square one with my life at one of the lowest rock bottoms ever.

I stopped doing the things I loved and that inspired me, and started doing things to take the pain I had experienced during my journey, away.

Anger, bitterness, rage, and overall depression is a lot more common in my life than it used to be. I can't blame weed, but I can say that I'm no longer happy unless I'm high. I can literally go from "I hate the world and tonight I'm gonna get even with society" to "LOL thats a funny cat" in just seconds with a good hit from the blunt.

I remember after quitting weed, I relied on natural highs instead. My way of thinking became so positive I couldn't understand why people smoked weed when there were other ways of acheiving natural highs that make you healthier, happier, more creative, more attractive, and cultivate an even stronger sense of well-being and fulfillment.

My sources of "natural highs" were: Dance, yoga, meditation, exercise, lifting weights, writing, praying, doing daring shit, girls, friends, drawing, fashion, raw nutritious fruits and vegetables, eating healthy, exploring, learning, and the success high.

I haven't felt the success high in ages. When I wake up in the morning I get high and go on the computer. When I go to work I smoke a blunt while driving there. When I get off work I smoke on the way home, just to get on my computer again and smoke some more later. Wherever I go, I smoke. Whatever I do, I do it high.

I think my brain has forgotten how to think in a positively inspired manner. Some people can get high and still get up and go places. I can, but in a limited way. I'll go to work, but not the gym. I'll grab food, but skip out on going to the DMV. I'll browse reddit for hours, but not pay my parking tickets. I'll unlock weapons in battlefield 3 but not finish a single page of studying. Procrastination is a separate problem, but I don't think being high all the time makes it better. Having no initiative, inspiration, or strong-minded determination coupled with other mental issues, has made my mind harder and harder to control.

I don't even know which thoughts are mine anymore. I feel like someone with multiple personalities able to switch to different personalities depending on how pissed I am, or whether or not I ate, or whether or not I'm high.

My last girlfriend I was with for about a year. One of the issues we were concerned with was weed turning into the center of our relationship. I promised her it wouldn't, and it really wasnt, but I started becoming so dependent on smoking that I was in a bad mood if I wasn't high, and therefore always had to smoke around her. She smoked a lot with me too, but I think I definitely outdid her.

I don't want to call it sobriety, because it's such a boring word. I still plan on getting high, just not on mind-altering substances, or sources of over-stimulation like porn or gaming or violence.

There are a lot personal problems I need to work on, but I think having a clear mind first is the best approach. Weed may not always be available, and I need to learn how to cope without it. It's hard to lose weight when you have the munchies, hard to stay disciplined and focused when your mind is in the clouds, hard to be social when you're in your own world, and hard to get the "get-up-and-go" when you're stoned off your ass.

I look forward to this journey. It will be hard as I anticipate a large amount of anxiety, tension, stress, rage, aggression, and aggravation to follow me for the next few weeks, or even months, but fuck, I want my life back. There are better things in life. Maybe I'll smoke again in the summer and be the type to just take 2 hits and pass, maybe I'll never smoke again, but right now I need to take my life back in my control.

I plan on attending meditation classes for recovering addicts and going to Marijuana Anonymous again, regardless of how boring or awkward it is. It's hard as fuck to quit as a college student living in LA where weed is more common than cigarettes, but I can do it! I have to!

In honor of MLK day:

Take the first step in faith. You don't have to see the whole staircase, just take the first step.
-Dr Martin Luther King Jr.