Every week life seems to be giving me new problems to work with, but I've been determined to craft them as tools to help me get to the core of my fears, concerns, beliefs, mental complexes, and desires. I welcome the fire of pain, as to burn away the flesh and better expose the bone.
The practices I've been using to help me deal with such give me an opportunity to dust off the layers of dirt blotching the light of my soul, and allow me to better see the illumination occuring within myself, and shine through therein.
Temet Nosce or in other words "Know Thyself", is an insightful concept I'm determinant to pursue. I can't use an instrument if I don't know what sounds it makes, how it reacts to my movements, how to fine-tune it, and how it will serve me. The same can be said with the mind and the body, I'm trying to understand who I am. How can I change who I am, if I am not even aware of what I am?
I close my eyes and go inside.
One of the emotions I've been struggling with aside from anger, has been loneliness. It sucks looking back at my week, or looking down at my phone with no missed calls or texts, without a person to hang out with, talk to, or enjoy life with. I know, this too, shall pass, but when I acquire connections, how long will they last?
I go through people faster than a roll of toilet paper. People don't stick around too long. Maybe I don't stick around people too long either. I've always been an outcast, and thus, seeing myself as an outcast has caused me to alienate myself in manners parallel to the way people choose to alienate me. My therapist brought it to my attention that such a perspective has manifested itself, causing me to see myself as distant from other people.
The greatest thing on earth love. Not to be mistaken with romance, love, to me, is the most rewarding goal of all. What's the point in having a nice car if I'm the only one ever driving it? What's a big house without friends to have a backyard barbecue with? Why have a King size bed but sleep on it alone for years? What the point in having money without anyone to spend it with?
It's a feeling I'm all too familiar with. I close my eyes and meditate on it to understand it, and everything gets black. The seamstress of my mind spills dye on every thought. The texture, form, and shape is still there, it just lacks illumination. However, a red ember glows from within this blackness, and I discover a different joy, an acceptance and contentness with isolation--a joy of solitude.
Yeshua said in a very popular work of literature that "The kingdom of heaven is within you". In solitude. Another figure had wrote that there is no greater journey but the journey within.
May I know God, by knowing myself. And Love God by loving and being one with the Atma, the spirit that is in all of us, and that is God. I cannot fully love anyone without loving myself, and cannot be loved, without being loving. If God is Love, then may I know God, may God Love me, and may I know to Love God, and learn to Love myself.
I wish to bring love into my life, but like a waiter in a restaraunt, I can't fill any glasses unless my own pitcher is full. The same book I quoted also read "Let patience have its perfect work, so that you may be complete, lacking nothing" So I've decided to find happiness within my own loneliness, yet still feeding a desire to reach out. Staying deeply rooted while still reading toward the sun with joy.
Which brings me to my rediscovered inspiration:
Watching Inception, I recall Dom Cobbs taking the Ariadne through a dream sequence as she reconstructed the space around her. She recreated some sort of bridge that Dom Cobbs had recognized before, and he had a vivid flashback with himself and his wife Mal. He then told Ariadne "Never recreate from memory, always imagine new places!"
I found that I dwell on past memories, or past experiences, and use those thoughts to fill in prospects of what may occur in the future. Sometimes I envision good things happening, like dancing well or having a specific experience repeated, other times I anticipate a certain failure or betrayal. Seeing this as a defeatist form of thought, I decided I'm going to try and imagine new outcomes and new possibilities.
This is incredibily difficult for me to do, as I, like many aged souls, have been strongly conditioned by my past experiences. Sobriety, however, has allowed me to be free from such chains and ventures off the worn paths of the mind, blazing a new trail of joyful experiences, fueled by a faith that these ventures will be worthwhile.
I look forward to a new world I've yet to discover. To imagine new possibilites and go fourth into the new fronteirs of thought. May my life be a place where reality and dreams collide. I don't want to escape anymore. I don't want to run away from the pain. I don't want to silence the cries of the soul.
The way out is the way in.
Closing with another Dom Cobbs quote as his team paniced about the state of the possible failure of their mission, deciding that going deeper into the dream was their only solution:
"Downwards is the only way forward."
March 24, 2012
March 17, 2012
60 Days Of Inhaling Only Air, I want to tell you something....
....but I'm really too damn busy to make a whole post. This is part of what has helped me make it this far: GET BUSY. Be too damn busy to smoke, knowing that if you smoked, you wouldn't have your shit together. REJECT MEDIOCRITY be the best at what you're doing, be the shit! GO HARD OR GO HOME. Work so hard, workout, study, look for advice, find your soul, meditate, whatever, do it so hard core that you don't even have room for weed to slow you down!!
I even have dreams I smoke, and In my dream, I GET PISSED FOR SMOKING. When I wake up sober I'm relieved, glad I committed to my decision.
Find a reason DEEP DEEP DEEP IN YOURSELF!! WHO DO YOU WANT TO BECOME? WHAT DO YOU WANT IN YOUR LIFE? HOW WILL QUITTING HELP YOU GET THAT? ARE YOU WILLING TO MAKE THE SACRIFICE?
If youre worried about a piss test or your parents or family, chances are you will relapse eventually. DO IT FOR YOU AND NO ONE ELSE.
Seek a better life.
STILL KEEP GETTING HIGH!!! JUST NOT OFF OF DRUGS!! Get high off doing the things you love, get high off pursuing happiness, get high off increasing your abilities, talents, creating, refining you skills, accomplishing goals. Maybe you had a long day at work and just want to feel good? Good. Theres another way to feel good, to MAKE yourself feel good by IMPROVING YOURSELF EACH DAY.
Theres far too many resources, too much information, too much for you to do than to be sitting there getting high letting the world pass you by.
I know its hard at first, but dig deep, deep, deep inside yourself. KILL YOUR SMALLER SELF, SO THAT YOU BIGGER SELF MAY EMERGE.
Just do it. Yesterday you said tomorrow. Go fourth and do not look back.
Be Muhammad Ali:
When you step into the ring and life hits you with a hard punch and knocks you down, remember to be to the person you want to be, commit to your deepest self, and plan to get back up before you even enter the ring. PLAN TO GET BACK UP FROM THE START, AND KEEP FIGHTING. The universe will not let you down and the fruits of perseverance will always be the juiciest.
Stay thirsty, my friends.
Maintenance
Alright so this has been a good week. I got so much I wanna say but not enough time. Still making steps forward at my internship, but I got a correction that I'm taking too many steps forward? what? a hater move or advice? I was told I was being too corporate and needed to relax, both with my cordial vernacular as well as my dress code. I heard that I was going around networking too hard and not committing to my department, that I was being too aggressive with trying to branch out to do other things, but, hey, I'm not graduating yet, I'm not getting paid, so I was just tryin to do my thang.
But I get it, I need to keep in mind the goal of simply being a likeable person so people can remember me and be willing to allow me to use them as a reference. To relax and be myself instead of being an uptight corporate robot so that people can get to know me and even trust me more for who I am instead of putting on this facade. So I came back with a little more swag: lost the tie and the corporate shoes, talked in a more relaxed, yet fun tone. Stopped being such a tool, but still not being a douche, and not being so nervous about my impression, but rather being in touch with a confidence that I got it under control, but humbly wearing an awareness that I'm still not perfect and am open to improvements and corrections.
I had a meeting with marketing this morning that went awesome, met with an account executive in a different department, talked to numerous people in my department, am helping to coordinate a focus group, met with some people at HR so now they know me by name, am planning to meet with more people, have sat in at all the intern events and shaking hands with all the speakers, forwarded interesting articles to my bosses, made team efforts with fellow interns, had lunch with the research department which was fucking delicious, have been learning a lot about my department, and honestly, may consider coming back to this company.
At first I was competitive with other interns, but I realized, it's better for me to be really nice and take advantage of the chance to show good teamwork skills, instead of giving a could shoulder and seeming like a dick. The only person I'm competing with is myself.
I also got a correction that all these things I'm doing is fine, I just need to be more smooth about it. So this week my goal is to communicate more with my supervisor, to be more committed to my department, and to go above and beyond, without seeming like I'm trying so hard to go above and beyond.
Like Kanye said "Cause when you try hard, that's when you die hard"
But I get it, I need to keep in mind the goal of simply being a likeable person so people can remember me and be willing to allow me to use them as a reference. To relax and be myself instead of being an uptight corporate robot so that people can get to know me and even trust me more for who I am instead of putting on this facade. So I came back with a little more swag: lost the tie and the corporate shoes, talked in a more relaxed, yet fun tone. Stopped being such a tool, but still not being a douche, and not being so nervous about my impression, but rather being in touch with a confidence that I got it under control, but humbly wearing an awareness that I'm still not perfect and am open to improvements and corrections.
I had a meeting with marketing this morning that went awesome, met with an account executive in a different department, talked to numerous people in my department, am helping to coordinate a focus group, met with some people at HR so now they know me by name, am planning to meet with more people, have sat in at all the intern events and shaking hands with all the speakers, forwarded interesting articles to my bosses, made team efforts with fellow interns, had lunch with the research department which was fucking delicious, have been learning a lot about my department, and honestly, may consider coming back to this company.
At first I was competitive with other interns, but I realized, it's better for me to be really nice and take advantage of the chance to show good teamwork skills, instead of giving a could shoulder and seeming like a dick. The only person I'm competing with is myself.
I also got a correction that all these things I'm doing is fine, I just need to be more smooth about it. So this week my goal is to communicate more with my supervisor, to be more committed to my department, and to go above and beyond, without seeming like I'm trying so hard to go above and beyond.
Like Kanye said "Cause when you try hard, that's when you die hard"
March 16, 2012
Buddha In The Passenger Seat
So I've been working with my friend once a week to help me out, and one thing I really wanted to work out was my road rage. I started becoming increasingly aware of this after a road rage encounter I had today, and during some of my withdrawals, I noticed I could be having a good day, then immediately after I got in my car I would start feeling angry, agitated, and agressive.
I could go a whole day at work with nothing but present and sound thoughts, but the moment I'd get in my car the thoughts would immediately turn ugly.
I'll admit it, I'm an aggressive driver. I know the fastest way to get to where I'm going, and will settle at nothing but getting there as quick as possible. People say weaving through traffic only saves about 5 minutes, but when you do about 20-30 of those manuevers, you can get places at least half an hour earlier than those suckers sitting in bumper to bumper.
I got my freeway patterns down to a science, but I always feel tense when the streets don't flow the way I've predetermined them to. I make lefts right when the light turns green if oncoming traffic isnt accelerating fast enough, I go around people that aren't making rights at red lights like they're supposed to, I sweep through freeway exit lanes just to weave back in when it ends, I fuck around on the right turn only lane just to weave in while going through the intersection. Yellow lights? Lol, more like ultra-fast green lights.
I cut off the fuckers driving to slow in the far left lane, I weave between lanes depending on which exits I pass and knowing how the flow of traffic changes depending on freeway merges, congested entrances, etc. I get mad when pussies stop at yellow lights. Lol someone trying to cut me off in a zipper merge? Have fun getting damage to your BMW, I'm just in my bucket?
People waiting in line to get off the freeway? Lol I just sweep up to the front and cut everybody off when some sucker isnt paying attention and leaves me a gap to swerve on it.
Trust me, I'm legit about it. I never slowdown traffic, I never put anyone at risk, and I never cause anyone to slam their brakes or honk they're horns.
I see people trying to do such maneuvers, and when they do it wrong it pisses me off. But when I see other people driving like me I think "that guy is cool". Actually, us aggressive drivers can spot each other out on the road, and even race each other sometimes.
Paramedic coming by when I'm late to my interview? Time to tailgate.
But like I said before, there's some people who do it right with smoothness, and other morons who do it wrong and fuck up the flow of traffic and almost hit people.
I also get very frustrated with Asians, are they oblivious to everything going on? Older mexican woman, how do they get a license? Old people, seriously, old people should get retested every so many years. And of course the list goes on.
I get pissed when people go too slow, or don't pay attention, or let people in front of them, or don't turn, or can't park for shit. I get upset when I'm in the passenger seat of friends who cant drive for shit, which is why I always offer to drive.
But I realised, I really need to calm the fuck down when I drive. Most of these habits came from always being late to things. My therapist talked about how we can sometimes get addicted to stress, and In a way, I enjoy the power of being in my vehicle, and ruling the road, and being efficient at driving, and having that pressure to race to work.
It even links to my childhood. I remember being in the passenger seat with my dad stuck in traffic, wishing he would be more aggressive so we would get where were going already. Change lanes, go down the exit lane, drive faster, do something so we don't have to sit in this bullshit. The only salvation we got was the carpool lane, but this was back in the 90s when such only existed on like 2 freeways. So when I got my car, I made sure I never had to drive like a slow bitch again.
Even when I'm not late for anything, I still try to get where I'm going as fast as possible, it's not a good habit. I get really tense when I drive, especially listening to hyper-stimulating music, and being behind the wheel gives me a sense of power.
So I realize i need to let go of such a need for power. To see drivers not as opponents on the road, but simply as people, not cars, all working together to get where they're going. I need to leave earlier and get into better habits, so I don't have to drive that way all the time, and resist the desire to have the pressure of such stress. We all like a little bit of pressure, it pushes us to do things and creates an external motivator.
I see that my ego gets puffed up when on the road, and a problem with such tension is that it never gets released--I just sit there and it all gets stored in my body, so by the time I get where I'm going, I'm exhausted and grumpy. So I'm going to embrace a different kind of power: not the power to be aggressive, but rather the power to be passive. The power to let someone in front of me without it making me rage. The power not to need to get road-revenge when someone does a move I don't like. The power to be okay with being present where I'm at, and not needing the stimulus of a hurry to allow me to feel impowered.
I conjured up this image of Buddha in the passenger seat. I asked, if buddha were driving with me, what would he say? How would he respond to traffic? What would he do in response to this or that driver? And honestly I've felt a lot more calm the last few days while driving, though I can't admit it's fully dissipated. It probably won't, being in Los Angeles, but I can at least try to control the way I react to things. I look forward to practice such action-not-reaction mindfulness while driving.
I could go a whole day at work with nothing but present and sound thoughts, but the moment I'd get in my car the thoughts would immediately turn ugly.
I'll admit it, I'm an aggressive driver. I know the fastest way to get to where I'm going, and will settle at nothing but getting there as quick as possible. People say weaving through traffic only saves about 5 minutes, but when you do about 20-30 of those manuevers, you can get places at least half an hour earlier than those suckers sitting in bumper to bumper.
I got my freeway patterns down to a science, but I always feel tense when the streets don't flow the way I've predetermined them to. I make lefts right when the light turns green if oncoming traffic isnt accelerating fast enough, I go around people that aren't making rights at red lights like they're supposed to, I sweep through freeway exit lanes just to weave back in when it ends, I fuck around on the right turn only lane just to weave in while going through the intersection. Yellow lights? Lol, more like ultra-fast green lights.
I cut off the fuckers driving to slow in the far left lane, I weave between lanes depending on which exits I pass and knowing how the flow of traffic changes depending on freeway merges, congested entrances, etc. I get mad when pussies stop at yellow lights. Lol someone trying to cut me off in a zipper merge? Have fun getting damage to your BMW, I'm just in my bucket?
People waiting in line to get off the freeway? Lol I just sweep up to the front and cut everybody off when some sucker isnt paying attention and leaves me a gap to swerve on it.
Trust me, I'm legit about it. I never slowdown traffic, I never put anyone at risk, and I never cause anyone to slam their brakes or honk they're horns.
I see people trying to do such maneuvers, and when they do it wrong it pisses me off. But when I see other people driving like me I think "that guy is cool". Actually, us aggressive drivers can spot each other out on the road, and even race each other sometimes.
Paramedic coming by when I'm late to my interview? Time to tailgate.
But like I said before, there's some people who do it right with smoothness, and other morons who do it wrong and fuck up the flow of traffic and almost hit people.
I also get very frustrated with Asians, are they oblivious to everything going on? Older mexican woman, how do they get a license? Old people, seriously, old people should get retested every so many years. And of course the list goes on.
I get pissed when people go too slow, or don't pay attention, or let people in front of them, or don't turn, or can't park for shit. I get upset when I'm in the passenger seat of friends who cant drive for shit, which is why I always offer to drive.
But I realised, I really need to calm the fuck down when I drive. Most of these habits came from always being late to things. My therapist talked about how we can sometimes get addicted to stress, and In a way, I enjoy the power of being in my vehicle, and ruling the road, and being efficient at driving, and having that pressure to race to work.
It even links to my childhood. I remember being in the passenger seat with my dad stuck in traffic, wishing he would be more aggressive so we would get where were going already. Change lanes, go down the exit lane, drive faster, do something so we don't have to sit in this bullshit. The only salvation we got was the carpool lane, but this was back in the 90s when such only existed on like 2 freeways. So when I got my car, I made sure I never had to drive like a slow bitch again.
Even when I'm not late for anything, I still try to get where I'm going as fast as possible, it's not a good habit. I get really tense when I drive, especially listening to hyper-stimulating music, and being behind the wheel gives me a sense of power.
So I realize i need to let go of such a need for power. To see drivers not as opponents on the road, but simply as people, not cars, all working together to get where they're going. I need to leave earlier and get into better habits, so I don't have to drive that way all the time, and resist the desire to have the pressure of such stress. We all like a little bit of pressure, it pushes us to do things and creates an external motivator.
I see that my ego gets puffed up when on the road, and a problem with such tension is that it never gets released--I just sit there and it all gets stored in my body, so by the time I get where I'm going, I'm exhausted and grumpy. So I'm going to embrace a different kind of power: not the power to be aggressive, but rather the power to be passive. The power to let someone in front of me without it making me rage. The power not to need to get road-revenge when someone does a move I don't like. The power to be okay with being present where I'm at, and not needing the stimulus of a hurry to allow me to feel impowered.
I conjured up this image of Buddha in the passenger seat. I asked, if buddha were driving with me, what would he say? How would he respond to traffic? What would he do in response to this or that driver? And honestly I've felt a lot more calm the last few days while driving, though I can't admit it's fully dissipated. It probably won't, being in Los Angeles, but I can at least try to control the way I react to things. I look forward to practice such action-not-reaction mindfulness while driving.
March 14, 2012
Welcome(d) Back
Its so hard,
to find
a good connection
Pass these new complexions at the intersection
Ooo i'm so glad that our paths connected
Last thing I though we were havin breakfast
It's a new day, new investments
Rocked the fresh shave, made a good impression
Got met through Trey, hey, Who'd a guessed it
Facebook chattin we so interested
My game was on point but I'm hairy chested
She responded coo to my list of questions
Now we together with a cool connection
Won't let it loose while school's in session
How we so rich while we in recession
So filled with love my girl's the bestest
Feelin on my body give a stiff erection
She always stay late like a kid's detention
So Imma keep it moving and finish my breakfast
Finish what I started like when we sexin
Drunk off her love like a french connection
Past the self-assesment and second guessin
Down to take it slow like a bad connection
Down to speed it up and get you pregnant
I'm just playin
I'm just saying
I'll do whateva so it don't get too hectic
Met tricks before but you uncorrected
except if it's history
or if I'm tickling
you
I want it all but I'm not possessive
Checked for intruder but they're not detected
I hope its all good from God's perspective
So read this email
feel the detail
I'm all your's baby and I got the message
ugh....
March 13, 2012
March 12, 2012
Current Rotation 1
Kendrick Lamar is probably one of my favorite new rappers right now.
Section .80 was definitely one of the best hip-hop albums of last year.
Here are a few of his tracks:
Also, I bump this one the way to Internship when I got my purple shirt on:
But Don't Trip, I'm still Indie, and I'm always Riding the Chillwave:
And a couple that sort of, remind of someone I used to know:
March 11, 2012
Forward Movement 2
Damn. I've been so busy I haven't even had time to update this shit. For real. I might even have to cut reddit out my life because there just aren't enough hours in the day. For really.
Let's See How I done so far
Let's See How I done so far
- Haven't Smoked in 56 days DAMN! and dont plan on smoking any time soon
- Haven't looked at porn or fapped in 16 days (trying to beat my record for 42 days, but the goal is 90, or better yet, getting a girlfriend and just banging her brains out instead)
- Dove into studying again. Caught up on my classes, and look forward to actually getting ahead soon.
- Developed a better habit of showing up early to appointments.
- Have followed a strict diet and have commited to it pretty strongly for about two weeks. I feel good and looking forward to sticking to it.
- Started listening to audiobooks instead of aggressive hip hop when I drive.
- Stayed consistent with my workouts, added hypertrophy exercises to compound ones
- Started going to sleep earlier
- Am building a habit of meditating in the morning
- I stopped gaming, got rid of my gaming pc and switched to a laptop instead, which I'm feeling as I can study anywhere, not in my room and keep myself awake (I should go to sleep soon though, like, now).
- Have been making more connections at my Viacom internship and getting cool with people there.
I gotta say I have a lot more energy, and I'm needing every ounce of it. More things are happening for me. I still haven't really made solid friends or dated anyone, so I do spend time alone, but the time alone is being well spent. I'm getting to know myself a lot more. I've been developing and evaluating myself a lot more. I feel alot more socially forward, more confident, and more outgoing, yet a lot more focused on my priorities. I speak stronger, stand taller, and have better conversations. Since I stopped fapping I've been getting more numbers, and feel a lot more drive and focus.
With sex being the biggest goal for most male humans, there's not much motivation after orgasm has already been achieved. But yo, when that sex drive is building up inside of you, lots of power, both physically and mentally, can be honed and used. I've been making connections, and determined to keep doing so as I recover myself and get my life back.
Shit, I even went to a breaking class the other day, and reconnected with some dancer I used to know. I even knew how to do the steps like I never stopped. I definately need to keep dropping weight and get back into cardio eventually cause I thought my heart was gonna explode.
Meditating has been helpful, and bringing more awareness into my body. I've been seeing a therapist to help me use such meditations to help me as well.
Looking forward to getting my 60 day badge from Marijuana Anonymous soon.
I've yet to have time to be creative aside from rapping and freestyling. I want to find some time to at least write poetry or something, but damn, I'm just so busy.
I also made a decision not to watch porn at all anymore, even if I dont fap. It just ends up making me horny as fuck all day and may eventually lead into temptation to touchy-touchy. This is also no-scale march, so no weighing myself, just commiting to diet and exercise when I can find the time. I was doing this thing called intermittent fasting, but I'm not sure it's good for me to go to such extremes right now with I'm dealing so much. Fasting, although it makes me much more mentally clearer, has also made me more moody and caused me to have more mood swings.
I look forward to doing more to work with my anger, and fears. I finished my anger book and look forward to doing more reading soon. I also bought a moleskine that I'll be using to write goals, visions, plans, determinations and keep track of myself. A Goal Journal.
It feels good to be making progress, and I continue to keep going hard, and keep exploding into light so that my consciousness may shine upon any darkness that lurk within.
It feels good to be making progress, and I continue to keep going hard, and keep exploding into light so that my consciousness may shine upon any darkness that lurk within.
Goodnight!
March 04, 2012
Exploding
I feel good. I'm doing something right. I'm exploding again.
I'm bringing back this blog after taking it down due to the consequences of a "dark" post.
but now
I'm
Exploding
Into
Light.
I'm bringing back this blog after taking it down due to the consequences of a "dark" post.
but now
I'm
Exploding
Into
Light.
February 10, 2012
In Other News
- I've been sober officially for 26 days, and have not acted out any anger for those same 26 days. Now the next step is finding new ways to express my anger instead of holding it all in. I've been listening to the audiobook "The Power of Now" and look forward to downloading more self help audio books. I notice my mind drifts to pointless thoughts when I'm driving listening to songs I've heard hundreds of times before. Why not take advantage of the idle moment and upload new information?
- I haven't looked at porn or jacked off in five days. I don't even allow myself to get aroused mentally as not to risk a relapse. I also found this article about a guy who used to own a porn site and how he overcame his addiction.
- I've attended Marijuana Anonymous every week. Honestly, I don't even want to smoke anymore. I like having drive and mental clarity and actually remembering shit. I just go to the meetings for support in other aspects in my life, not just sobriety.
- I only play games on the weekend now, and honestly, I'm not all that engaged in them. When it's sleeptime I can simply go to sleep. It's nice to actually go to sleep now, not pass out from being too high, or exhaustion from over-masturbation.
- My conversations with people are so much more engaging than they used to be.
- The class that was keeping me from continuing school, magically opened up, and I was able to add it. Although it's four weeks into the semester, I'll just have to grind and make up for missed material. At least ill be able to continue next semester and be eligible for financial aid. High five Jesus!
- I took a dance class at IDA the other night, and didn't suck as bad as I thought.
Now that I'm sober, though, I'm aware of a lot more things I need to change. Without a single day off in my schedule, this will be a hectic season. I really need to make sure I take time to meditate and de-stress and not waste my attention on thoughts that don't serve me. I really want to meet new people and become more outgoing, confident, brave, and determined. I need balls. I need guts. I realized there are many fears and insecurities in me that I have used my addictions to bury and I plan on overcoming them.
My mind is so used to thinking negative that I easily fall into the old beaten paths of my old ways of thought and emotion. I spend a lot of time by myself and I hate it. The more I'm by myself, the more I think bad, and the more bad about myself, the more I get negative, the more I do negative things. It's a vicious cycle and I want to figure out how to break it.
There was a time when I was the exact opposite. Yet of course my "friends" at the time did everything they could to bring me down. I also was alone most of the time. I didn't start getting negative until I tried to be "cool" and get into the commercial dance world and make friends.
Too much fucking self thought. my fucking head is going to explode. Time to go meditate and study.
February 05, 2012
Realignment
This week has been a shakier one for me. I stayed strong to my commitment of working out, eating well, and not smoking. Actually, those three things are coming quite naturally and aren't much of a challenge at all. I'm quickly building strength and am really benefiting from power lifting. It helps with my anger because, as opposed to many other workouts, it requires and intense amount of power and energy in one explosive movement. I use about every ounce of energy in my body at once to power a barbell above my head like I'm a fireman lifting a burning plank over my head, or push the bar off my chest like I was trapped under a boulder, or squat with my back in tact with hundred of pounds of weights on my shoulder like I was carrying a dead soldier on the battlefield. The explosiveness of it compares to the rage of my anger, and being able to focus on form is like a meditation in itself.
Also, for some strange reason, I haven't freaked out or had a manic episode since I stopped smoking. Coincidence? I mean, it's in combination with other efforts I've put in to change, and I'm sure having a clearer head has allowed me to control it more. I also just know in my mind that I just cant get angry. I can't let my anger build to that point, otherwise I will lose control, and the primitive violent wiring that has been set in my brain will reactivate itself, and I'll lose everything I've worked for.
I won't lie as if I haven't had angry or violent thoughts. They march throughout the back of my mind all day and night. Last night I had some pretty violent dreams starring some people I loved very much. Upon waking I've realized that entertaining these thoughts in my waking life has penetrated my subconscious. I'm finding it easier and easier to get angry about certain people as I had before, and it seems to be an endless cycle unless I do something about it.
I really miss my ex girlfriend. I was with her every day of the year. My heart, my thoughts, and my existence was split in half with hers. It was an intense and beautiful relationship, though shortly lived. It's hard sometimes, actually, a lot of the time. When I keep my mind focused I feel okay, like when I'm at work, or at the gym, or doing something creative. At the end of the week though, when everyone is out with their friends, I can't help but get sucked in by a deep loneliness. My outings to bars haven't been very fulfilling, and actually leave me feeling worse when I get home. Sometimes I wish that we could be together again, and that I could start new with her, free of my infirmities and in a truly happy, fulfilled state. She has new friends now though, and new goals, and probably a new lover, so the best I can do is just stay focused on my life and move on.
That being said, I don't really need to worry too much about social achievements right now. The thoughts of my perceived social inadequacies I'm experiencing sends me straight into a downward spiral of emotion. I've got some more confidence and determination in me, but that doesn't mean the journey within, and the transformation I'm trying to undergo, is over. I didn't meditate, read, pray, or write too much this week. My thoughts have been a lot wilder and out of my control. I've had way more road rage encounters, and my endeavor not to masturbate has not seen any progress. In fact, the depression I've been experiencing has made me want to use porn and masturbation as a temporary fix more than before, being that I no longer have marijuana to turn to.
I don't know if it's withdrawals, or loneliness, or stress, or uncertainty, or maybe all of the above. The service at Church today really lifted me up though. I embraced a sense of gratitude towards the Creator, and instead of feeling shameful or pitiful, I made a decision to be grateful and thankful. Within my soul, it made a world of a difference, breaking up my sadness into smaller, easier get rid of, pieces. Perhaps I should spend some time doing a "gratitude meditation".
Thankfully enough, my director at work let me take another day off in the week so I could have more time to do my community service. Getting up at 5 am to paint over graffiti for 8 hours is going to be rough, but I look forward to it. I was told that charity produces a good feeling within oneself, and I look forward to having a positive attitude towards restoring the beauty of the city. No hate against graffiti art, but "tagging" is just lame and ugly. I also recall "rising with the sun" and witnessing the beauty of watching the day begin from my Venice High School days. Henry David Thoreau once said "An early-morning walk is a blessing for the whole day".
This first week of my internship has not been as fun as I expected. I mean, honestly, it's the best internship I've ever had so far, but I'm beginning to question whether or not I was to spend the rest of my life sitting in an office in front of my computer nine hours a day, five days a week. However, it's just been the first week. I'm ready to grind harder and see what jewels I discover.
Last week was a bit of a slowdown, so I want to make sure I use this week to pick the pace back up and refocus on my transformation. I'm not done yet, and this is probably one of the most vital experiences one can possibly undergo. It's life nearest to the core. Reprogramming your mind isn't easy.
Planning on attending yoga after my internship tomorrow, attending meditation class Tuesday night, continuing my workout routines, eating well, going to my DUI classes, and attending marijuana anonymous. Most of all however, I sincerely want to go deep, deep within myself, and find a determination to stop masturbating to porn. My attempts so far have had no real soulful foundation. I don't want this to be an "attempt" I want this to be a decision.
"Do, or do not. There is no try" -Yoda
Also, for some strange reason, I haven't freaked out or had a manic episode since I stopped smoking. Coincidence? I mean, it's in combination with other efforts I've put in to change, and I'm sure having a clearer head has allowed me to control it more. I also just know in my mind that I just cant get angry. I can't let my anger build to that point, otherwise I will lose control, and the primitive violent wiring that has been set in my brain will reactivate itself, and I'll lose everything I've worked for.
I won't lie as if I haven't had angry or violent thoughts. They march throughout the back of my mind all day and night. Last night I had some pretty violent dreams starring some people I loved very much. Upon waking I've realized that entertaining these thoughts in my waking life has penetrated my subconscious. I'm finding it easier and easier to get angry about certain people as I had before, and it seems to be an endless cycle unless I do something about it.
I really miss my ex girlfriend. I was with her every day of the year. My heart, my thoughts, and my existence was split in half with hers. It was an intense and beautiful relationship, though shortly lived. It's hard sometimes, actually, a lot of the time. When I keep my mind focused I feel okay, like when I'm at work, or at the gym, or doing something creative. At the end of the week though, when everyone is out with their friends, I can't help but get sucked in by a deep loneliness. My outings to bars haven't been very fulfilling, and actually leave me feeling worse when I get home. Sometimes I wish that we could be together again, and that I could start new with her, free of my infirmities and in a truly happy, fulfilled state. She has new friends now though, and new goals, and probably a new lover, so the best I can do is just stay focused on my life and move on.
That being said, I don't really need to worry too much about social achievements right now. The thoughts of my perceived social inadequacies I'm experiencing sends me straight into a downward spiral of emotion. I've got some more confidence and determination in me, but that doesn't mean the journey within, and the transformation I'm trying to undergo, is over. I didn't meditate, read, pray, or write too much this week. My thoughts have been a lot wilder and out of my control. I've had way more road rage encounters, and my endeavor not to masturbate has not seen any progress. In fact, the depression I've been experiencing has made me want to use porn and masturbation as a temporary fix more than before, being that I no longer have marijuana to turn to.
I don't know if it's withdrawals, or loneliness, or stress, or uncertainty, or maybe all of the above. The service at Church today really lifted me up though. I embraced a sense of gratitude towards the Creator, and instead of feeling shameful or pitiful, I made a decision to be grateful and thankful. Within my soul, it made a world of a difference, breaking up my sadness into smaller, easier get rid of, pieces. Perhaps I should spend some time doing a "gratitude meditation".
Thankfully enough, my director at work let me take another day off in the week so I could have more time to do my community service. Getting up at 5 am to paint over graffiti for 8 hours is going to be rough, but I look forward to it. I was told that charity produces a good feeling within oneself, and I look forward to having a positive attitude towards restoring the beauty of the city. No hate against graffiti art, but "tagging" is just lame and ugly. I also recall "rising with the sun" and witnessing the beauty of watching the day begin from my Venice High School days. Henry David Thoreau once said "An early-morning walk is a blessing for the whole day".
This first week of my internship has not been as fun as I expected. I mean, honestly, it's the best internship I've ever had so far, but I'm beginning to question whether or not I was to spend the rest of my life sitting in an office in front of my computer nine hours a day, five days a week. However, it's just been the first week. I'm ready to grind harder and see what jewels I discover.
Last week was a bit of a slowdown, so I want to make sure I use this week to pick the pace back up and refocus on my transformation. I'm not done yet, and this is probably one of the most vital experiences one can possibly undergo. It's life nearest to the core. Reprogramming your mind isn't easy.
Planning on attending yoga after my internship tomorrow, attending meditation class Tuesday night, continuing my workout routines, eating well, going to my DUI classes, and attending marijuana anonymous. Most of all however, I sincerely want to go deep, deep within myself, and find a determination to stop masturbating to porn. My attempts so far have had no real soulful foundation. I don't want this to be an "attempt" I want this to be a decision.
"Do, or do not. There is no try" -Yoda
February 01, 2012
New Workout Plan
Now a little less than a year ago I committed to doing the P90X for about 60 days and got some pretty good results. Went from 20% to 12% body fat. Built a lot of cardio, strength, and went from 190lbs to 164lbs. I worked out about 6 days a week, many of those days doing doubles or triples (two or three separate hour-or-more long workouts the same day).
What I wasn't a big fan of, though, was some of the extra strain I was putting on various body parts. I felt like I was powering through a lot of my weightlifting workouts without giving enough attention to proper alignment, body control, nor did I feel like I was able to monitor my strength gains very well. I also got hurt a number of time being that I didn't feel strong enough for the workouts and over-exerted myself as to not look like a pussy at the gym with light weights.
This year I wanted to do something different. The results I got from P90X were great, but I'm bored of those workouts. My main goal is fat loss. Some people recommend I do 40-60 mins of cardio 5 days a week, but after trying that out for 2 weeks and avoiding weightlifting, I didn't get the results I wanted besides increasing stamina. So I decided to go back to weightlifting.
Here's my argument. Lifting weights burns calories. It take your body a lot of energy to push through heavy weights. Between sets, you're still burning calories as your body is recovering for the next set. After your workout, your body is still burning calories throughout the day, and as you sleep, for days on end until your muscles are fully recovered. Your heart doesn't burn fat, muscles burn fat. The more muscle you have, the more energy your body needs to power your muscles, and thus the more calories your body will burn in order to produce work. The more muscle you gain, the more calories you're burning.
The buff bodybuilder running on the treadmill at 6mph is actually burning more calories than the lean runner on the treadmill going at 8mph. Cardio only really targets fat burning during the workout, but doesn't continually burn calories throughout the day the way that muscles recovering do. I can do an hour of low intensity cardio and burn X amount of calories, or I can lift weight a burn X calories plus the the calories my body will use to repair those muscles. Same with high-intensity interval training. I might burn less by doing high-intensity cardio for 45 mins, but my metabolism will be raised higher and I will ending up burning more throughout the day, especially with the more muscle I have.
I got very buff and ripped in high school with this method and find that I get really good results when I do weightlifting in combination with other exercise as opposed to strictly cardio. Cardio is great for improving stamina, endurance, and cardiovascular strength, but I would argue against Arnold Schwarzenegger that I can't lose weight or burn fat just by lifting alone.
Most of the Fat-Buff Bear guys you see don't get that way just from lifting, it's mostly because they lift without following a proper diet regiment. A lot of them drink weight gainers, have a high-caloric diet, or ingest a lot of carbs and therefore have their metabolism slowed down.
For the last 2 weeks I've been following a Barbell Training program called Starting Strength. It's similar to what olympic power lifters do: mostly a series of Squats, Bench Presses, Deadlifts, Shoulder Presses, and Power Cleans. I liked the idea of building foundational strength first before trying to sculpt. I wanted to get my glutes stronger as I sit down all day and it's caused me to have lower back problems. I wanted to develop a good awareness of proper bench pressing, deadlifting, and doing other workouts that have been prescribed to athletes for so long.
When doing the P90X I found myself getting hurt a lot and being disconnected from my core. I'm not interested in bulking up or toning right now, but rather building actual strength & power for me to have under my belts when I do in fact wish to switch to more prettyboy workouts like bicep curls, shoulder flys, calf raises, tricep extensions, etc.
It's also just something new, and I enjoy doing it. I don't enjoy endless cardio. I don't enjoy endless weightlifting routines with tons of different exercises. I find that I'm more likely to stick to a workout that I actually enjoy, so why not stay with it if I'm more likely to succeed that way? I like the result I have so far, but of course, I'm experience the compulsory lower back spasms that I get whenever I start a new workout, but with this, I'm making my lower back and glutes STRONGER, not just straining them as an undesired consequence due to poor posture in other workouts.
I'm doing cardio on my off-days. I know you're not supposed to do too much cardio when trying to build muscle, but I find it important that my stamina and endurance be increased, so I'm will to sacrifice some muscle to be able to push harder in other things. I'm just doing continuous cardio for 40 mins at around 165-185 heartbeats per minute and will do high-intensity interval training after I've built enough cardiovascular strength.
My diet is also a Primal/Paleo diet. In short, it's a diet of strictly plants and animals. No bread, no grains, no pasta, no candy, no junk food, no cookies, no cheese, but yes milk. Carbs are basically more complex sugars. The carbs found in gluten slow our metabolism down by signaling our body to release insulin and take energy from our protein storages (muscle) instead of fat. The carbs found in vegatable and plants are much more preferable to our bodies. It's basically the diet our bodies have adjusted to for over two million years, before the recent introduction of grains, gluten foods, refined sugar, candy, and other poisons that civilization has fed us. Gluten-based foods and breads did not appear until about 10,000 years ago, along with the introduction agriculture. Evolution takes a long time and our brains and bodies have not yet developed as fast as our agriculture, technology, and way of life.
Of course, I wont be a crazy diet-freak about it. I'll make exceptions, let myself cheat now and then, eat a sweet, drink a beer, or have a bowl of spaghetti. I really think a lot of people develop strange eating disorders from following too strict of diets. Also, stressing yourself out too much over what you eat goes against the whole principle of health. It also just makes sense to me.
So for the next month and a half I'll be doing barbell workouts, focused on three sets of five reps, for each workout, just to build strength. Once I get as strong as I'd like, I'll switch to bodybuilder dumbell workouts and doing sets of 8-10. I'll do that for a month and a half (or more if it feels right) as well while continuing the Primal diet with the intentions of mainly building muscle.
After that, depending on my results thus far and how I feel, I plan on switching to a high fat KETO diet. It's a diet that allows no more than 50g of carbs a day, is high in fat, and permits a moderate amount of protein in ratio to the amount of lean body mass I currently have. Starving the body of carbs will put it into a "starving state" in which it will metabolize the high resources of fat in my body along with the fat in my diet. I've been doing a lot of research on this and thought this would be considerable as it keeps the body from metabolizing muscle while losing weight. During this "keto" phase I'm not yet sure if I'll be more cardio-focused, as I would by then have a lot of muscle to burn fat with, or if I'll be doing the same thing. I'll have to see.
Eventually I'll return to a regular diet with minimalized amounts of sugar, carbs, and fat. Mostly having protein at the top of my chain with lots of healthy raw fruits and vegetables.
My goal is to be in poolside shape my June. I don't think that far ahead though. Just one day at a time. Of course I'll also be mixing in yoga, dance, TRX training, pilates, etc.
But now it's time for the most important part... REST!!!
What I wasn't a big fan of, though, was some of the extra strain I was putting on various body parts. I felt like I was powering through a lot of my weightlifting workouts without giving enough attention to proper alignment, body control, nor did I feel like I was able to monitor my strength gains very well. I also got hurt a number of time being that I didn't feel strong enough for the workouts and over-exerted myself as to not look like a pussy at the gym with light weights.
This year I wanted to do something different. The results I got from P90X were great, but I'm bored of those workouts. My main goal is fat loss. Some people recommend I do 40-60 mins of cardio 5 days a week, but after trying that out for 2 weeks and avoiding weightlifting, I didn't get the results I wanted besides increasing stamina. So I decided to go back to weightlifting.
Here's my argument. Lifting weights burns calories. It take your body a lot of energy to push through heavy weights. Between sets, you're still burning calories as your body is recovering for the next set. After your workout, your body is still burning calories throughout the day, and as you sleep, for days on end until your muscles are fully recovered. Your heart doesn't burn fat, muscles burn fat. The more muscle you have, the more energy your body needs to power your muscles, and thus the more calories your body will burn in order to produce work. The more muscle you gain, the more calories you're burning.
The buff bodybuilder running on the treadmill at 6mph is actually burning more calories than the lean runner on the treadmill going at 8mph. Cardio only really targets fat burning during the workout, but doesn't continually burn calories throughout the day the way that muscles recovering do. I can do an hour of low intensity cardio and burn X amount of calories, or I can lift weight a burn X calories plus the the calories my body will use to repair those muscles. Same with high-intensity interval training. I might burn less by doing high-intensity cardio for 45 mins, but my metabolism will be raised higher and I will ending up burning more throughout the day, especially with the more muscle I have.
I got very buff and ripped in high school with this method and find that I get really good results when I do weightlifting in combination with other exercise as opposed to strictly cardio. Cardio is great for improving stamina, endurance, and cardiovascular strength, but I would argue against Arnold Schwarzenegger that I can't lose weight or burn fat just by lifting alone.
Most of the Fat-Buff Bear guys you see don't get that way just from lifting, it's mostly because they lift without following a proper diet regiment. A lot of them drink weight gainers, have a high-caloric diet, or ingest a lot of carbs and therefore have their metabolism slowed down.
For the last 2 weeks I've been following a Barbell Training program called Starting Strength. It's similar to what olympic power lifters do: mostly a series of Squats, Bench Presses, Deadlifts, Shoulder Presses, and Power Cleans. I liked the idea of building foundational strength first before trying to sculpt. I wanted to get my glutes stronger as I sit down all day and it's caused me to have lower back problems. I wanted to develop a good awareness of proper bench pressing, deadlifting, and doing other workouts that have been prescribed to athletes for so long.
When doing the P90X I found myself getting hurt a lot and being disconnected from my core. I'm not interested in bulking up or toning right now, but rather building actual strength & power for me to have under my belts when I do in fact wish to switch to more prettyboy workouts like bicep curls, shoulder flys, calf raises, tricep extensions, etc.
It's also just something new, and I enjoy doing it. I don't enjoy endless cardio. I don't enjoy endless weightlifting routines with tons of different exercises. I find that I'm more likely to stick to a workout that I actually enjoy, so why not stay with it if I'm more likely to succeed that way? I like the result I have so far, but of course, I'm experience the compulsory lower back spasms that I get whenever I start a new workout, but with this, I'm making my lower back and glutes STRONGER, not just straining them as an undesired consequence due to poor posture in other workouts.
I'm doing cardio on my off-days. I know you're not supposed to do too much cardio when trying to build muscle, but I find it important that my stamina and endurance be increased, so I'm will to sacrifice some muscle to be able to push harder in other things. I'm just doing continuous cardio for 40 mins at around 165-185 heartbeats per minute and will do high-intensity interval training after I've built enough cardiovascular strength.
My diet is also a Primal/Paleo diet. In short, it's a diet of strictly plants and animals. No bread, no grains, no pasta, no candy, no junk food, no cookies, no cheese, but yes milk. Carbs are basically more complex sugars. The carbs found in gluten slow our metabolism down by signaling our body to release insulin and take energy from our protein storages (muscle) instead of fat. The carbs found in vegatable and plants are much more preferable to our bodies. It's basically the diet our bodies have adjusted to for over two million years, before the recent introduction of grains, gluten foods, refined sugar, candy, and other poisons that civilization has fed us. Gluten-based foods and breads did not appear until about 10,000 years ago, along with the introduction agriculture. Evolution takes a long time and our brains and bodies have not yet developed as fast as our agriculture, technology, and way of life.
Of course, I wont be a crazy diet-freak about it. I'll make exceptions, let myself cheat now and then, eat a sweet, drink a beer, or have a bowl of spaghetti. I really think a lot of people develop strange eating disorders from following too strict of diets. Also, stressing yourself out too much over what you eat goes against the whole principle of health. It also just makes sense to me.
So for the next month and a half I'll be doing barbell workouts, focused on three sets of five reps, for each workout, just to build strength. Once I get as strong as I'd like, I'll switch to bodybuilder dumbell workouts and doing sets of 8-10. I'll do that for a month and a half (or more if it feels right) as well while continuing the Primal diet with the intentions of mainly building muscle.
After that, depending on my results thus far and how I feel, I plan on switching to a high fat KETO diet. It's a diet that allows no more than 50g of carbs a day, is high in fat, and permits a moderate amount of protein in ratio to the amount of lean body mass I currently have. Starving the body of carbs will put it into a "starving state" in which it will metabolize the high resources of fat in my body along with the fat in my diet. I've been doing a lot of research on this and thought this would be considerable as it keeps the body from metabolizing muscle while losing weight. During this "keto" phase I'm not yet sure if I'll be more cardio-focused, as I would by then have a lot of muscle to burn fat with, or if I'll be doing the same thing. I'll have to see.
Eventually I'll return to a regular diet with minimalized amounts of sugar, carbs, and fat. Mostly having protein at the top of my chain with lots of healthy raw fruits and vegetables.
My goal is to be in poolside shape my June. I don't think that far ahead though. Just one day at a time. Of course I'll also be mixing in yoga, dance, TRX training, pilates, etc.
But now it's time for the most important part... REST!!!
January 28, 2012
Creation
I really miss dancing. I really miss being loved. I miss being in love with what I do, and doing what I love. I want to dance again. I want to create. I want to get deep.
Challenges
Two days from my second week of sobriety and things are still going well. I've found meditation to be helpful as I went from 5, to, 10, to 15, and will start 20-minute meditation sessions tonight. I start by sitting somewhere that I wouldnt be too distracted, and create a determination in my mind to see through the end of my session as I set the alarm on my phone. I inhale for 5 counts, squeeze my kegel muscles and keep it held in for another 5, then exhale fore 5. I let the numbers build up gradually. The highest I got to the other night was 14/14/14, so basically a 42-second breath.
At the end of last night's meditation it struck me hard that I had class the next morning. Had I not meditated I may have forgotten to wake up. When I got to class the next morning, I was half an hour late, and realized that it was the second class meetings, I missed the first one last week. Knowing I messed up again made me pretty upset. I was disappointed with myself and I was going to just walk out a drop the class, and drop out altogether.
On the pad I was taking notes, I wrote some inspiration to myself, and made a determination to stick it through. A girl named Maya talked to me the other night about how much of a shame it was that I fucked up my life and stopped dancing. She said it was shameful that I always get discouraged, and compare myself to others and end up letting myself down because I'm not getting the results they're getting. I lose focus and rarely commit to one thing. So after class I reminded myself to maintain focus, and made an intrinsic decision to stick it through the class.
This week at CSUN wasn't a successful one. I wasn't able to add a single class. The school decided that they weren't going to allow adds unless you were a graduating senior. So even when I crashed a class that had empty seats, I still wasn't able to add.
I relied on my ex as a ride to get to school last semester, but she dumped me and so I had to drop out. I remember skipping class so I could take her to Catalina Island for her birthday. It was a very disappointing Fall.
I had made appointments with numerous counselors of different departments this Spring to help me decided my major. I had my academic game plan set and was looking forward to this semester. My only goal was to be able to repeat my failed classes from last semester, so that I can fix my GPA to change majors. Due to budget cuts, I won't be able to reach that goal. I can't participate in student government, study abroad, change my major, and worst of all I will no longer be eligible for financial aid since I didn't show academic progress and didn't pass 80% of my classes. I can't afford college.
I did everything I could. Wrote letters. Talked to professors, counselors, and even the Dean. I hit a brick wall. So instead of getting upset, I just clasped my hands in my car, bowed my head, and prayed to the only one I knew that could help me make sense of all of this, and maintain faith through it all.
My bad dreams came true after all, but at least I still have the ocean. I still have my internship to look forward to, along with my DUI classes, community service requirements, marijuana anonymous meetings, and I can still keep my job which I hate. I just hope I can still receive financial aid next semester.
They built an amazing new gym. I had the chance to check it out today. I wish I would be around campus more often to use i, but I'll just have to be patient. My chance will come. I recall the scripture "Let patience have its perfect work, so that you may be complete, lacking nothing."
I really hate my job. I really hate my boss. I wish she would disappear and never come back. Everything was good until she came around. It seems like I can never shove my head up anyone's ass far enough to please her. I thought I was working for a legitimate company, but they're just like any other evil corporation that will squeeze the life out of you in the name of greed. This week I'm going to truly dedicate myself to finding a new job. I fantasize about quitting my job and raging and smashing everything in the place up every day that I drive to work.
I'm also going to start my NoFap challenge today. I had some masturbation sessions and found myself less socially-driven, more tired, less ambitious, and just overall not feeling as good as I was when I wasn't jerking off for the four days I chose not to. Honestly though, I fucking sick and tired of having to chase after women and play with the games they put up. Most of these bitches don't even deserve me. They should take it as an honor I even speak to them. This is a big reason men cheat. Girls make it such a hassle to get to know them, that by the time we get them, we don't even like them anymore. Bitches really aren't shit to me anymore.
But of course, maybe I just state this due to my lack of social success. It's hard as a man, especially when you don't have any real friends, or history, or people to fall back on. Sitting alone in my room in front of this monitor has become my landing pad for such a long time. Sometimes I just want to drive off a cliff and kill myself, but I don't want to grieve my mother, so I stay alive. I know you have to work for the things you want, but things really don't make sense for me in the social world. I'm sure I understand things a lot better than other people, and I'm sure there are other people who wish they had my life, so I best get my confidence back, and be ambitious. I notice that I must first become a person that people would want to be around or hang out with, and that's what I'm working on becoming.
I hate going through my phone asking what people are doing just to end up wasting battery power. I couldn't keep up with my ex. She was a model, a pretty girl, so of course she got invited everywhere. I grow envious of my prettier, cooler, or wealthier associates. They remind me of how much my life sucks and how all the effort I put into improving myself still really hasn't gotten me any good results. Maybe it has though, maybe my vision is darker tonight, maybe I'm not quite exploding into light. Maybe I'm swinging low.
I feel unfulfilled. I look forward to Church tomorrow, and seeing Cirque Du Soleil with my mom. It's been a challenging and busy week and I still haven't gotten any play out of it.
At the end of last night's meditation it struck me hard that I had class the next morning. Had I not meditated I may have forgotten to wake up. When I got to class the next morning, I was half an hour late, and realized that it was the second class meetings, I missed the first one last week. Knowing I messed up again made me pretty upset. I was disappointed with myself and I was going to just walk out a drop the class, and drop out altogether.
On the pad I was taking notes, I wrote some inspiration to myself, and made a determination to stick it through. A girl named Maya talked to me the other night about how much of a shame it was that I fucked up my life and stopped dancing. She said it was shameful that I always get discouraged, and compare myself to others and end up letting myself down because I'm not getting the results they're getting. I lose focus and rarely commit to one thing. So after class I reminded myself to maintain focus, and made an intrinsic decision to stick it through the class.
This week at CSUN wasn't a successful one. I wasn't able to add a single class. The school decided that they weren't going to allow adds unless you were a graduating senior. So even when I crashed a class that had empty seats, I still wasn't able to add.
I relied on my ex as a ride to get to school last semester, but she dumped me and so I had to drop out. I remember skipping class so I could take her to Catalina Island for her birthday. It was a very disappointing Fall.
I had made appointments with numerous counselors of different departments this Spring to help me decided my major. I had my academic game plan set and was looking forward to this semester. My only goal was to be able to repeat my failed classes from last semester, so that I can fix my GPA to change majors. Due to budget cuts, I won't be able to reach that goal. I can't participate in student government, study abroad, change my major, and worst of all I will no longer be eligible for financial aid since I didn't show academic progress and didn't pass 80% of my classes. I can't afford college.
I did everything I could. Wrote letters. Talked to professors, counselors, and even the Dean. I hit a brick wall. So instead of getting upset, I just clasped my hands in my car, bowed my head, and prayed to the only one I knew that could help me make sense of all of this, and maintain faith through it all.
My bad dreams came true after all, but at least I still have the ocean. I still have my internship to look forward to, along with my DUI classes, community service requirements, marijuana anonymous meetings, and I can still keep my job which I hate. I just hope I can still receive financial aid next semester.
They built an amazing new gym. I had the chance to check it out today. I wish I would be around campus more often to use i, but I'll just have to be patient. My chance will come. I recall the scripture "Let patience have its perfect work, so that you may be complete, lacking nothing."
I really hate my job. I really hate my boss. I wish she would disappear and never come back. Everything was good until she came around. It seems like I can never shove my head up anyone's ass far enough to please her. I thought I was working for a legitimate company, but they're just like any other evil corporation that will squeeze the life out of you in the name of greed. This week I'm going to truly dedicate myself to finding a new job. I fantasize about quitting my job and raging and smashing everything in the place up every day that I drive to work.
I'm also going to start my NoFap challenge today. I had some masturbation sessions and found myself less socially-driven, more tired, less ambitious, and just overall not feeling as good as I was when I wasn't jerking off for the four days I chose not to. Honestly though, I fucking sick and tired of having to chase after women and play with the games they put up. Most of these bitches don't even deserve me. They should take it as an honor I even speak to them. This is a big reason men cheat. Girls make it such a hassle to get to know them, that by the time we get them, we don't even like them anymore. Bitches really aren't shit to me anymore.
But of course, maybe I just state this due to my lack of social success. It's hard as a man, especially when you don't have any real friends, or history, or people to fall back on. Sitting alone in my room in front of this monitor has become my landing pad for such a long time. Sometimes I just want to drive off a cliff and kill myself, but I don't want to grieve my mother, so I stay alive. I know you have to work for the things you want, but things really don't make sense for me in the social world. I'm sure I understand things a lot better than other people, and I'm sure there are other people who wish they had my life, so I best get my confidence back, and be ambitious. I notice that I must first become a person that people would want to be around or hang out with, and that's what I'm working on becoming.
I hate going through my phone asking what people are doing just to end up wasting battery power. I couldn't keep up with my ex. She was a model, a pretty girl, so of course she got invited everywhere. I grow envious of my prettier, cooler, or wealthier associates. They remind me of how much my life sucks and how all the effort I put into improving myself still really hasn't gotten me any good results. Maybe it has though, maybe my vision is darker tonight, maybe I'm not quite exploding into light. Maybe I'm swinging low.
I feel unfulfilled. I look forward to Church tomorrow, and seeing Cirque Du Soleil with my mom. It's been a challenging and busy week and I still haven't gotten any play out of it.
January 22, 2012
And He Came Back Home
Today I committed "Philosophical Suicide" and got "Born Again" at the West Angeles Church. I respect the view that Atheism comes from, but the concept of Meaningless Existence didn't resonate with me enough for me to live happily. The more I rejected the Ultimate Reality the more animalistic and primal I became, and thus, the more I went crazy. Darkness reigned through my mind, doubt became my narrative, and chaos became my order. It's time for me to go back home and reconnect to The Source. The one true source of all energy that flows through all of existence and eternity. We all want to be stars, but there is only one Light that illuminates us all.
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