Moonlight Shadows

Alone on my roof under the largest full moon of the year. It's like having my own room on the top of the city, or at least, the Kenneth Han  Inglewood/Ladera/SouthCentral/Weschester border. I guess I came up here tonight because the India Pale Ale's buzz was too strong for my dusty bedroom, needed some cool air to balance it out.

I miss this spot. It was my escape from the self-constructed mental prison of my addictions and an opportunity to be present with the elements and listen to the stars. At first I complimented it with my friend alcohol, but after I stopped drinking I just started exhaling. It became my meditation spot.

But damn, I started inhaling again, and this became my medication spot.

My body language is weakening. I'm giving a fuck less about what you have to say. Were you giving me a chance to holler at you? Sorry, I was busy being blank minded or reflecting on bullshit.

Her lips taste good, and so does the tip of that Royal Blunt wrap. Why not combine the two? Good. Let's continue to pursue this hedonism until you end up where you were a year ago. Those last 3 weeks you threw away to pc games and smoking must not have been strong enough of a reminder.

So I'm emailing my professor, like I do all my professors, to find a last ditch effort to avoid getting a fail. How many times have I done this shit though? Why can't I just get my shit together and pass my classes?

Fuck No Fap. Fap no Fap. Shit is hard as crap but I gotta get in shape. I gained 10 lbs in the last 3 weeks and I'm sure some of its muscle, but I know what the rest is. Estrogen gives me bitch tits and a beer belly so I gotta avoid the jackin off and alcohol. At least I still look good to me in the mirror. But I dont feel good about myself right now.

Fuck my boss at MTV. All he did was try to put me in my place and discourage me and sass me like a white slavemaster telling his niggers not to explore freedom. "Youre not going to get a job here, so stop acting like you're trying to". I'm glad I didn't listen to that piece of shit and branched out anyway. I learned at MTV that white privilege and racism still exists.

I'm drinking though, and not in a good way. I need to deal with my bitterness towards MTV and the underlying past experiences that are associated with being mistreated in spite of a great deal of hard work put in. My vengeful fantasies are knocking at my door wanting an opportunity to take over my thoughts. I must hold on to my Utopian urges and stay present.

I threw my commitments at the sun and traded light for smoke and pleasure. None of you really want to be my friend, so who really gives a fuck but me? I'm motivated by love. I had a nice spot, weed, drinks, music, all that shit people like, but nobody wants to kick it with me on Cinco De Mayo, so here I am:

Alone on my roof during the biggest relapse of the year. I'm hoping the voice of that bigger me doesn't fall short to the call of the wild. Holidays are like a measure of your success and if you aint doing shit, you aint shit.

I should escape those beliefs and live my own life separate from society's expectations as they've been for so long.

There's nothing much more to say. I gotta get back on my grind and refocus. I can't use pain as my motivation as I've learned to sedate it, but rather, a want for better things in my life.

I'm falling.

I'm gliding.

I'm finding a perfect place to land, and start it all up again.

How did that Happen?

So I'll be brave enough to admit that I've spent a small little bit of time on studying Pick-Up Artisty, or in other words, seduction techniques. I mean, if theres tips for looking professional, or presenting a speech, or presenting yourself more or less intimidating, or any other "learned" social behavior, then theres gotta be ways to improve your dating game too.

On a Friday night I had gotten ready to put my plans into motion, after having testing out some thing I learned in the field. I was supposed to go to a show with this one chick, but she flaked and didn't answer the texts. However, I still wanted to make something happen. I texted the girl who flaked that I was on the way to a spot in Venice with another girl, and of course she responds suddenly saying she was napping. Yeah Right.

At the Venice show, which in reality I went by myself, my self-awareness was high. I was so aware of my body language, and eye contact that I was able to establish an "all the girls here want my cock" kind of atitude.

Then, somehow, I was dancing and just having fun, and girls tried to grab my attention, and by the end of the night I had a good convo and grabbed a number.

But yo, that like, never happens for me. Usually clubs are just a overstimulating atmosphere where I neither dance like I want to, nor get me some like I want to. I'll admit, my club game isn't on point, and possibly for a number of reasons, but I want to find out why and change that so I can still go out and have fun.

I was just glad that, for the first time in a long time, I didn't end up driving home pissed off.

Drink Light

It was day 87 of my sobriety and an unexpected but not unknown sense of relaxation had dominated my nervous system. In the weeks past my DXM trip, my ability not to give a fuck had increased significantly. With such an ability, however, came some consequences:

Stress, I must sometimes realize, pushes us to do things and prioritize our tasks better. The compliment of stress is feeling good about yourself knowing you've disciplined yourself enough to accomplish tasks. The negatives however, could take a toll on you.

I've been getting crazy gains at the gym. The other night these dudes were deadlifting on the squat right, so I tried to butt them out. We agreed to work in sets, and when it was my turn, I felt a strong surge of burning pain go up the back of my next, explode into the back of my head, and start chewing away at the rest of my brain.

It felt like the Hillside Strangler has made me one of his victims, and as I squatted, sent gallons of dead blood into my skull into my brain started to stroke from the lack of oxygen. I blacked out.

When I came to, all I could do is sit. The rest of my workout was not as intense. I grabbed water, and went slower, still having this lingering feeling of someone shaking can of thumbtacks in the back of my eyes.

Next workout two days later I almost blacked out again while bench pressing. Trainer said it could be due to a number of things: Stress, not enough water, food, nutrition, rest, and testosterone.
Before both of those workouts I jacked off and came multiple times before my workout. I usually save it for post-workout relief, as lower testosterone decreases your strength. When I jacked off later that night the same tremendous headache came back, but worse, far worse.
I decided to take a break. Needed time to recover my muscles, get more nutrition, rest more, and not jack off to build more testosterone. The trainer told me that jacking off would halt my fitness progress, as more estrogen leads to beer bellies and bitch-tits.

But it's the last hump I've yet to get over. Jacking off to internet porn.

So on day 87 of my sobriety, chilling on the couch in her South LA apartment, I decided to take it hit. The effect was nothing unfamiliar. I took another hit the next day at Coachella, another hit in the Sahara tent the day after that, and another hit during The Weeknd's sunday sunset show.

After I got back I took a few more hits, throughout the week, up until 4/20, and into Today.

I don't really want to get high, even though I do. The lusts of the flesh are so enticing when loneliness and rejection are experienced.

I really missed her Grape Juice Smile at Coachella. I wish we were still sitting on that Strawberry Swing. It sucked being alone in such a big place, and getting sick, and getting dissed by a musical artist I'd been a fan of for so long. I finally broke down in my tent Friday night realizing that the Coachella dream I had wasn't going to come true this year. Life's hard, but all I can do is enjoy what there is to enjoy, and suffer what there is to suffer.

To know myself and love myself.

I wish I was just a little better at making friends and keeping them.

I arrested my development this week and now I'm finding myself in a holding cell with the usual suspects: gluttony, lust, laziness, overthought, paranoia, and mania.

I don't want to get drunk tonight. What's the point of going to a party when I'm not fulfilled in myself to make myself an enjoyable person to be around?

I just want to drink light.

How I Drive To Work

Sparks

I'm not sure how it happened but

during my trips the last few days

a greater sense of being and self worth has found me

Through my introspection

I discovered how high I place exterior desires above my own self

as if these other things were more valuable

than I am

After venting on a forum

I became aware of how frustrated I was about

social success

and realized

my self-success, or

inner-game, or

self-worth, or

self-love and fulfillment

had been lacking.

As I sat on my roof

I asked myself

"Why

do you allow yourself

to be pulled 

in so many directions

by things outside of you?"

"Why are you

letting

so many

outside forces

disturb your peace?"

When I came back to my apartment and listened to the music.

When I closed my eyes and began to fly.

I wondered what happened to all my utopian urges.

Had they all been curbed by the desire for gain?

Have I been trying to hard to impress this or that person, to get to this place or that place?

Free your mind.

I recovered this note I typed to myself during the experience

What happened to your original plan? Working on yourself so much and improving yourself so much, being so awesome and talented and beautiful and joyful and uplifting and kindhearted THAT PEOPLE WANT YOU AROUND, THAT YOURE WANTED, WANTED, WANTED WANTED WANTED. THAT THEY WANT YOU. WORK ON YOU MAN, YOU’RE THE CENTER OF YOUR OWN BEAUTIFUL UNIVERSE. ALWAYS SEE BEAUTY AND DREAMS. SHOW YOUR DREAMS TO THE WORLD THAT WILL FOLLOW AND BELIEVE.

I pray on remaining deeply rooted, while having a mind and heart flexible enough to be moved, but never broken.

As stated by Sophocles in Eodipus Rex "The stiff heart breaks the soonest"

Close Your Eyes

So I wanted to sip a magic potion
Copped that Robotussin and chugged it down to get that Scissor AKA DXM
Got online to double check I drank the right shit
Internet said "Hey bro, you drank the wrong thing. Now you're gonna be puking and throwing up all night. Good job."
I only chugged half the bottle so I was like fuck it, I'll be fine.
I went a picked up the correct potion
came back
and downed it

The high set in
my feet left the ground
but during my high a fear came upon me
I felt like I was overdosing

Looking back, I was probably fine
But I was tripping balls
And a sudden diahrrea and nausea hit me
Fucked up me trip
and freaked me out

Scared some people by telling them I might be
overdosing
A friend came by to babysit
made a decision to puke it all it
as I settled down
and had a wonderful trip

For the first time in a long time
I had a limitless imagination of beautiful thoughts.
I could close my eyes and have a lucid dream
I put on my headphones and I would fly into another world

Many good memories came back to me
I rediscovered dreams I had once built but gave up on
I revisited the lands of fantasies I had abandoned
And a great joy expanded

It felt like peter pan in the movie hook
Remembering I was pan
Remembering I had an imagination
Learning how to fly again

The pirates of bad thoughts couldn't take me under
As desire for beauty and job spread through me

I saw myself in third person
And then I saw myself
Fill with light
and then I just saw a flash
Everything was illuminated

The best part
was listening to Bebel Gilberto
Flying through Brazil
Revisiting dreams of escaping into beautiful landscape, nature, dancing, women, people

Since then I've found it easier to be positive
I'm vigiland that there lies a shadow under all this positivty
But, I don't know
I feel like the edge has decreased
I feel like I reconnected to a joy of imagination and a hope of good things and self love that, I feel less attached to the world
And more attached to myself
and my dreams

I wa't to learn to keep achieving this state
but without chugging cough medicine

The Second Relapse

I dropped an anchor
on accident
Sailing across the sea to find
new land
Storms did not deter our voyage
as much as
our fears.

Come back to the deck
where we can see
the stars.
I spent too many
summers
down in the hull.

Captain,

Captain,

Where are you going?

The night was black
How did I
forget
to be guided
by the stars?

Sinking under a lit sky
my lungs begin to fill with water
I don't know which way is up
Hope I awake
in the right place.

Trippin Balls Bro

We Have To Go Deeper

Every week life seems to be giving me new problems to work with, but I've been determined to craft them as tools to help me get to the core of my fears, concerns, beliefs, mental complexes, and desires. I welcome the fire of pain, as to burn away the flesh and better expose the bone.

The practices I've been using to help me deal with such give me an opportunity to dust off the layers of dirt blotching the light of my soul, and allow me to better see the illumination occuring within myself, and shine through therein.

Temet Nosce or in other words "Know Thyself", is an insightful concept I'm determinant to pursue. I can't use an instrument if I don't know what sounds it makes, how it reacts to my movements, how to fine-tune it, and how it will serve me. The same can be said with the mind and the body, I'm trying to understand who I am. How can I change who I am, if I am not even aware of what I am?

I close my eyes and go inside.

One of the emotions I've been struggling with aside from anger, has been loneliness. It sucks looking back at my week, or looking down at my phone with no missed calls or texts, without a person to hang out with, talk to, or enjoy life with. I know, this too, shall pass, but when I acquire connections, how long will they last?

I go through people faster than a roll of toilet paper. People don't stick around too long. Maybe I don't stick around people too long either. I've always been an outcast, and thus, seeing myself as an outcast has caused me to alienate myself in manners parallel to the way people choose to alienate me. My therapist brought it to my attention that such a perspective has manifested itself, causing me to see myself as distant from other people.

The greatest thing on earth love. Not to be mistaken with romance, love, to me, is the most rewarding goal of all. What's the point in having a nice car if I'm the only one ever driving it? What's a big house without friends to have a backyard barbecue with? Why have a King size bed but sleep on it alone for years? What the point in having money without anyone to spend it with?

It's a feeling I'm all too familiar with. I close my eyes and meditate on it to understand it, and everything gets black. The seamstress of my mind spills dye on every thought. The texture, form, and shape is still there, it just lacks illumination. However, a red ember glows from within this blackness, and I discover a different joy, an acceptance and contentness with isolation--a joy of solitude.

Yeshua said in a very popular work of literature that "The kingdom of heaven is within you". In solitude. Another figure had wrote that there is no greater journey but the journey within.

May I know God, by knowing myself. And Love God by loving and being one with the Atma, the spirit that is in all of us, and that is God. I cannot fully love anyone without loving myself, and cannot be loved, without being loving. If God is Love, then may I know God, may God Love me, and may I know to Love God, and learn to Love myself.

I wish to bring love into my life, but like a waiter in a restaraunt, I can't fill any glasses unless my own pitcher is full. The same book I quoted also read "Let patience have its perfect work, so that you may be complete, lacking nothing" So I've decided to find happiness within my own loneliness, yet still feeding a desire to reach out. Staying deeply rooted while still reading toward the sun with joy.

Which brings me to my rediscovered inspiration:

Watching Inception, I recall Dom Cobbs taking the Ariadne through a dream sequence as she reconstructed the space around her. She recreated some sort of bridge that Dom Cobbs had recognized before, and he had a vivid flashback with himself and his wife Mal. He then told Ariadne "Never recreate from memory, always imagine new places!"

I found that I dwell on past memories, or past experiences, and use those thoughts to fill in prospects of what may occur in the future. Sometimes I envision good things happening, like dancing well or having a specific experience repeated, other times I anticipate a certain failure or betrayal. Seeing this as a defeatist form of thought, I decided I'm going to try and imagine new outcomes and new possibilities.

This is incredibily difficult for me to do, as I, like many aged souls, have been strongly conditioned by my past experiences. Sobriety, however, has allowed me to be free from such chains and ventures off the worn paths of the mind, blazing a new trail of joyful experiences, fueled by a faith that these ventures will be worthwhile.

I look forward to a new world I've yet to discover. To imagine new possibilites and go fourth into the new fronteirs of thought. May my life be a place where reality and dreams collide. I don't want to escape anymore. I don't want to run away from the pain. I don't want to silence the cries of the soul.

The way out is the way in.

Closing with another Dom Cobbs quote as his team paniced about the state of the possible failure of their mission, deciding that going deeper into the dream was their only solution:

"Downwards is the only way forward."

60 Days Of Inhaling Only Air, I want to tell you something....

....but I'm really too damn busy to make a whole post. This is part of what has helped me make it this far: GET BUSY. Be too damn busy to smoke, knowing that if you smoked, you wouldn't have your shit together. REJECT MEDIOCRITY be the best at what you're doing, be the shit! GO HARD OR GO HOME. Work so hard, workout, study, look for advice, find your soul, meditate, whatever, do it so hard core that you don't even have room for weed to slow you down!!

I even have dreams I smoke, and In my dream, I GET PISSED FOR SMOKING. When I wake up sober I'm relieved, glad I committed to my decision. 

Find a reason DEEP DEEP DEEP IN YOURSELF!! WHO DO YOU WANT TO BECOME? WHAT DO YOU WANT IN YOUR LIFE? HOW WILL QUITTING HELP YOU GET THAT? ARE YOU WILLING TO MAKE THE SACRIFICE?

If youre worried about a piss test or your parents or family, chances are you will relapse eventually. DO IT FOR YOU AND NO ONE ELSE.

Seek a better life.

STILL KEEP GETTING HIGH!!! JUST NOT OFF OF DRUGS!! Get high off doing the things you love, get high off pursuing happiness, get high off increasing your abilities, talents, creating, refining you skills, accomplishing goals. Maybe you had a long day at work and just want to feel good? Good. Theres another way to feel good, to MAKE yourself feel good by IMPROVING YOURSELF EACH DAY. 

Theres far too many resources, too much information, too much for you to do than to be sitting there getting high letting the world pass you by.

I know its hard at first, but dig deep, deep, deep inside yourself. KILL YOUR SMALLER SELF, SO THAT YOU BIGGER SELF MAY EMERGE.

Just do it. Yesterday you said tomorrow. Go fourth and do not look back. 

Be Muhammad Ali:

When you step into the ring and life hits you with a hard punch and knocks you down, remember to be to the person you want to be, commit to your deepest self, and plan to get back up before you even enter the ring. PLAN TO GET BACK UP FROM THE START, AND KEEP FIGHTING. The universe will not let you down and the fruits of perseverance will always be the juiciest.

Stay thirsty, my friends.

Maintenance

Alright so this has been a good week. I got so much I wanna say but not enough time. Still making steps forward at my internship, but I got a correction that I'm taking too many steps forward? what? a hater move or advice? I was told I was being too corporate and needed to relax, both with my cordial vernacular as well as my dress code. I heard that I was going around networking too hard and not committing to my department, that I was being too aggressive with trying to branch out to do other things, but, hey, I'm not graduating yet, I'm not getting paid, so I was just tryin to do my thang.

But I get it, I need to keep in mind the goal of simply being a likeable person so people can remember me and be willing to allow me to use them as a reference. To relax and be myself instead of being an uptight corporate robot so that people can get to know me and even trust me more for who I am instead of putting on this facade. So I came back with a little more swag: lost the tie and the corporate shoes, talked in a more relaxed, yet fun tone. Stopped being such a tool, but still not being a douche, and not being so nervous about my impression, but rather being in touch with a confidence that I got it under control, but humbly wearing an awareness that I'm still not perfect and am open to improvements and corrections.

I had a meeting with marketing this morning that went awesome, met with an account executive in a different department, talked to numerous people in my department, am helping to coordinate a focus group, met with some people at HR so now they know me by name, am planning to meet with more people, have sat in at all the intern events and shaking hands with all the speakers, forwarded interesting articles to my bosses, made team efforts with fellow interns, had lunch with the research department which was fucking delicious, have been learning a lot about my department, and honestly, may consider coming back to this company.

At first I was competitive with other interns, but I realized, it's better for me to be really nice and take advantage of the chance to show good teamwork skills, instead of giving a could shoulder and seeming like a dick. The only person I'm competing with is myself.

I also got a correction that all these things I'm doing is fine, I just need to be more smooth about it. So this week my goal is to communicate more with my supervisor, to be more committed to my department, and to go above and beyond, without seeming like I'm trying so hard to go above and beyond.

Like Kanye said "Cause when you try hard, that's when you die hard"

Buddha In The Passenger Seat

So I've been working with my friend once  a week to help me out, and one thing I really wanted to work out was my road rage. I started becoming increasingly aware of this after a road rage encounter I had today, and during some of my withdrawals, I noticed I could be having a good day, then immediately after I got in my car I would start feeling angry, agitated, and agressive.

I could go a whole day at work with nothing but present and sound thoughts, but the moment I'd get in my car the thoughts would immediately turn ugly.

I'll admit it, I'm an aggressive driver. I know the fastest way to get to where I'm going, and will settle at nothing but getting there as quick as possible. People say weaving through traffic only saves about 5 minutes, but when you do about 20-30 of those manuevers, you can get places at least half an hour earlier than those suckers sitting in bumper to bumper.

I got my freeway patterns down to a science, but I always feel tense when the streets don't flow the way I've predetermined them to. I make lefts right when the light turns green if oncoming traffic isnt accelerating fast enough, I go around people that aren't making rights at red lights like they're supposed to, I sweep through freeway exit lanes just to weave back in when it ends, I fuck around on the right turn only lane just to weave in while going through the intersection. Yellow lights? Lol, more like ultra-fast green lights.

I cut off the fuckers driving to slow in the far left lane, I weave between lanes depending on which exits I pass and knowing how the flow of traffic changes depending on freeway merges, congested entrances, etc. I get mad when pussies stop at yellow lights. Lol someone trying to cut me off in a zipper merge? Have fun getting damage to your BMW, I'm just in my bucket?

People waiting in line to get off the freeway? Lol I just sweep up to the front and cut everybody off when some sucker isnt paying attention and leaves me a gap to swerve on it.


Trust me, I'm legit about it. I never slowdown traffic, I never put anyone at risk, and I never cause anyone to slam their brakes or honk they're horns.


I see people trying to do such maneuvers, and when they do it wrong it pisses me off. But when I see other people driving like me I think "that guy is cool". Actually, us aggressive drivers can spot each other out on the road, and even race each other sometimes.

Paramedic coming by when I'm late to my interview? Time to tailgate.

But like I said before, there's some people who do it right with smoothness, and other morons who do it wrong and fuck up the flow of traffic and almost hit people.

I also get very frustrated with Asians, are they oblivious to everything going on? Older mexican woman, how do they get a license? Old people, seriously, old people should get retested every so many years. And of course the list goes on.

I get pissed when people go too slow, or don't pay attention, or let people in front of them, or don't turn, or can't park for shit. I get upset when I'm in the passenger seat of friends who cant drive for shit, which is why I always offer to drive.

But I realised, I really need to calm the fuck down when I drive. Most of these habits came from always being late to things. My therapist talked about how we can sometimes get addicted to stress, and In a way, I enjoy the power of being in my vehicle, and ruling the road, and being efficient at driving, and having that pressure to race to work.

It even links to my childhood. I remember being in the passenger seat with my dad stuck in traffic, wishing he would be more aggressive so we would get where were going already. Change lanes, go down the exit lane, drive faster, do something so we don't have to sit in this bullshit. The only salvation we got was the carpool lane, but this was back in the 90s when such only existed on like 2 freeways. So when I got my car, I made sure I never had to drive like a slow bitch again.

Even when I'm not late for anything, I still try to get where I'm going as fast as possible, it's not a good habit. I get really tense when I drive, especially listening to hyper-stimulating music, and being behind the wheel gives me a sense of power.

So I realize i need to let go of such a need for power. To see drivers not as opponents on the road, but simply as people, not cars, all working together to get where they're going. I need to leave earlier and get into better habits, so I don't have to drive that way all the time, and resist the desire to have the pressure of such stress. We all like a little bit of pressure, it pushes us to do things and creates an external motivator.

I see that my ego gets puffed up when on the road, and a problem with such tension is that it never gets released--I just sit there and it all gets stored in my body, so by the time I get where I'm going, I'm exhausted and grumpy. So I'm going to embrace a different kind of power: not the power to be aggressive, but rather the power to be passive. The power to let someone in front of me without it making me rage. The power not to need to get road-revenge when someone does a move I don't like. The power to be okay with being present where I'm at, and not needing  the stimulus of a hurry to allow me to feel impowered.

I conjured up this image of Buddha in the passenger seat. I asked, if buddha were driving with me, what would he say? How would he respond to traffic? What would he do in response to this or that driver? And honestly I've felt a lot more calm the last few days while driving, though I can't admit it's fully dissipated. It probably won't, being in Los Angeles, but I can at least try to control the way I react to things. I look forward to practice such action-not-reaction mindfulness while driving.

Welcome(d) Back

Its so hard,

to find

a good connection

Pass these new complexions at the intersection

Ooo i'm so glad that our paths connected

Last thing I though we were havin breakfast

It's a new day, new investments

Rocked the fresh shave, made a good impression

Got met through Trey, hey, Who'd a guessed it

Facebook chattin we so interested

My game was on point but I'm hairy chested

She responded coo to my list of questions

Now we together with a cool connection

Won't let it loose while school's in session

How we so rich while we in recession

So filled with love my girl's the bestest

Feelin on my body give a stiff erection

She always stay late like a kid's detention

So Imma keep it moving and finish my breakfast

Finish what I started like when we sexin

Drunk off her love like a french connection

Past the self-assesment and second guessin

Down to take it slow like a bad connection

Down to speed it up and get you pregnant

I'm just playin

I'm just saying

I'll do whateva so it don't get too hectic

Met tricks before but you uncorrected

except if it's history

or if I'm tickling

you

I want it all but I'm not possessive

Checked for intruder but they're not detected

I hope its all good from God's perspective

So read this email

feel the detail

I'm all your's baby and I got the message

ugh....

Coachella 2012 Passes Unboxing

Current Rotation 1

Kendrick Lamar is probably one of my favorite new rappers right now.

Section .80 was definitely one of the best hip-hop albums of last year.

Here are a few of his tracks:

Also, I bump this one the way to Internship when I got my purple shirt on:

But Don't Trip, I'm still Indie, and I'm always Riding the Chillwave:

And a couple that sort of, remind of someone I used to know:

Forward Movement 2

Damn. I've been so busy I haven't even had time to update this shit. For real. I might even have to cut reddit out my life because there just aren't enough hours in the day. For really.

Let's See How I done so far

• Haven't Smoked in 56 days DAMN! and dont plan on smoking any time soon
• Haven't looked at porn or fapped in 16 days (trying to beat my record for 42 days, but the goal is 90, or better yet, getting a girlfriend and just banging her brains out instead)
• Dove into studying again. Caught up on my classes, and look forward to actually getting ahead soon.
• Developed a better habit of showing up early to appointments. 
• Have followed a strict diet and have commited to it pretty strongly for about two weeks. I feel good and looking forward to sticking to it. 
• Started listening to audiobooks instead of aggressive hip hop when I drive.
• Stayed consistent with my workouts, added hypertrophy exercises to compound ones
• Started going to sleep earlier
• Am building a habit of meditating in the morning
• I stopped gaming, got rid of my gaming pc and switched to a laptop instead, which I'm feeling as I can study anywhere, not in my room and keep myself awake (I should go to sleep soon though, like, now).
• Have been making more connections at my Viacom internship and getting cool with people there.

I gotta say I have a lot more energy, and I'm needing every ounce of it. More things are happening for me. I still haven't really made solid friends or dated anyone, so I do spend time alone, but the time alone is being well spent. I'm getting to know myself a lot more. I've been developing and evaluating myself a lot more. I feel alot more socially forward, more confident, and more outgoing, yet a lot more focused on my priorities. I speak stronger, stand taller, and have better conversations. Since I stopped fapping I've been getting more numbers, and feel a lot more drive and focus. 

With sex being the biggest goal for most male humans, there's not much motivation after orgasm has already been achieved. But yo, when that sex drive is building up inside of you, lots of power, both physically and mentally, can be honed and used. I've been making connections, and determined to keep doing so as I recover myself and get my life back.

Shit, I even went to a breaking class the other day, and reconnected with some dancer I used to know. I even knew how to do the steps like I never stopped. I definately need to keep dropping weight and get back into cardio eventually cause I thought my heart was gonna explode.

Meditating has been helpful, and bringing more awareness into my body. I've been seeing a therapist to help me use such meditations to help me as well. 

Looking forward to getting my 60 day badge from Marijuana Anonymous soon. 

I've yet to have time to be creative aside from rapping and freestyling. I want to find some time to at least write poetry or something, but damn, I'm just so busy. 

I also made a decision not to watch porn at all anymore, even if I dont fap. It just ends up making me horny as fuck all day and may eventually lead into temptation to touchy-touchy. This is also no-scale march, so no weighing myself, just commiting to diet and exercise when I can find the time. I was doing this thing called intermittent fasting, but I'm not sure it's good for me to go to such extremes right now with I'm dealing so much. Fasting, although it makes me much more mentally clearer, has also made me more moody and caused me to have more mood swings.

I look forward to doing more to work with my anger, and fears. I finished my anger book and look forward to doing more reading soon. I also bought a moleskine that I'll be using to write goals, visions, plans, determinations and keep track of myself. A Goal Journal.

 It feels good to be making progress, and I continue to keep going hard, and keep exploding into light so that my consciousness may shine upon any darkness that lurk within.

Goodnight!

Exploding

I feel good. I'm doing something right. I'm exploding again.

I'm bringing back this blog after taking it down due to the consequences of a "dark" post.

but now

I'm

Exploding

Into

Light.

In Other News

• I've been sober officially for 26 days, and have not acted out any anger for those same 26 days. Now the next step is finding new ways to express my anger instead of holding it all in. I've been listening to the audiobook "The Power of Now" and look forward to downloading more self help audio books. I notice my mind drifts to pointless thoughts when I'm driving listening to songs I've heard hundreds of times before. Why not take advantage of the idle moment and upload new information?

• I haven't looked at porn or jacked off in five days. I don't even allow myself to get aroused mentally as not to risk a relapse. I also found this article about a guy who used to own a porn site and how he overcame his addiction.

• I've attended Marijuana Anonymous every week. Honestly, I don't even want to smoke anymore. I like having drive and mental clarity and actually remembering shit. I just go to the meetings for support in other aspects in my life, not just sobriety.

• I only play games on the weekend now, and honestly, I'm not all that engaged in them. When it's sleeptime I can simply go to sleep. It's nice to actually go to sleep now, not pass out from being too high, or exhaustion from over-masturbation.

• My conversations with people are so much more engaging than they used to be.

• The class that was keeping me from continuing school, magically opened up, and I was able to add it. Although it's four weeks into the semester, I'll just have to grind and make up for missed material. At least ill be able to continue next semester and be eligible for financial aid. High five Jesus!

• I took a dance class at IDA the other night, and didn't suck as bad as I thought.

Now that I'm sober, though, I'm aware of a lot more things I need to change. Without a single day off in my schedule, this will be a hectic season. I really need to make sure I take time to meditate and de-stress and not waste my attention on thoughts that don't serve me. I really want to meet new people and become more outgoing, confident, brave, and determined. I need balls. I need guts. I realized there are many fears and insecurities in me that I have used my addictions to bury and I plan on overcoming them.

My mind is so used to thinking negative that I easily fall into the old beaten paths of my old ways of thought and emotion. I spend a lot of time by myself and I hate it. The more I'm by myself, the more I think bad, and the more bad about myself, the more I get negative, the more I do negative things. It's a vicious cycle and I want to figure out how to break it.

There was a time when I was the exact opposite. Yet of course my "friends" at the time did everything they could to bring me down. I also was alone most of the time. I didn't start getting negative until I tried to be "cool" and get into the commercial dance world and make friends.

Too much fucking self thought.  my fucking head is going to explode. Time to go meditate and study.

Realignment

This week has been a shakier one for me. I stayed strong to my commitment of working out, eating well, and not smoking. Actually, those three things are coming quite naturally and aren't much of a challenge at all. I'm quickly building strength and am really benefiting from power lifting. It helps with my anger because, as opposed to many other workouts, it requires and intense amount of power and energy in one explosive movement. I use about every ounce of energy in my body at once to power a barbell above my head like I'm a fireman lifting a burning plank over my head, or push the bar off my chest like I was trapped under a boulder, or squat with my back in tact with hundred of pounds of weights on my shoulder like I was carrying a dead soldier on the battlefield. The explosiveness of it compares to the rage of my anger, and being able to focus on form is like a meditation in itself.

Also, for some strange reason, I haven't freaked out or had a manic episode since I stopped smoking. Coincidence? I mean, it's in combination with other efforts I've put in to change, and I'm sure having a clearer head has allowed me to control it more. I also just know in my mind that I just cant get angry. I can't let my anger build to that point, otherwise I will lose control, and the primitive violent wiring that has been set in my brain will reactivate itself, and I'll lose everything I've worked for.


I won't lie as if I haven't had angry or violent thoughts. They march throughout the back of my mind all day and night. Last night I had some pretty violent dreams starring some people I loved very much. Upon waking I've realized that entertaining these thoughts in my waking life has penetrated my subconscious. I'm finding it easier and easier to get angry about certain people as I had before, and it seems to be an endless cycle unless I do something about it.

I really miss my ex girlfriend. I was with her every day of the year. My heart, my thoughts, and my existence was split in half with hers. It was an intense and beautiful relationship, though shortly lived. It's hard sometimes, actually, a lot of the time. When I keep my mind focused I feel okay, like when I'm at work, or at the gym, or doing something creative. At the end of the week though, when everyone is out with their friends, I can't help but get sucked in by a deep loneliness. My outings to bars haven't been very fulfilling, and actually leave me feeling worse when I get home. Sometimes I wish that we could be together again, and that I could start new with her, free of my infirmities and in a truly happy, fulfilled state. She has new friends now though, and new goals, and probably a new lover, so the best I can do is just stay focused on my life and move on.

That being said, I don't really need to worry too much about social achievements right now. The thoughts of my perceived social inadequacies I'm experiencing sends me straight into a downward spiral of emotion. I've got some more confidence and determination in me, but that doesn't mean the journey within, and the transformation I'm trying to undergo, is over. I didn't meditate, read, pray, or write too much this week. My thoughts have been a lot wilder and out of my control. I've had way more road rage encounters, and my endeavor not to masturbate has not seen any progress. In fact, the depression I've been experiencing has made me want to use porn and masturbation as a temporary fix more than before, being that I no longer have marijuana to turn to.

I don't know if it's withdrawals, or loneliness, or stress, or uncertainty, or maybe all of the above. The service at Church today really lifted me up though. I embraced a sense of gratitude towards the Creator, and instead of feeling shameful or pitiful, I made a decision to be grateful and thankful. Within my soul, it made a world of a difference, breaking up my sadness into smaller, easier get rid of, pieces. Perhaps I should spend some time doing a "gratitude meditation".

Thankfully enough, my director at work let me take another day off in the week so I could have more time to do my community service. Getting up at 5 am to paint over graffiti for 8 hours is going to be rough, but I look forward to it. I was told that charity produces a good feeling within oneself, and I look forward to having a positive attitude towards restoring the beauty of the city. No hate against graffiti art, but "tagging" is just lame and ugly.  I also recall "rising with the sun" and witnessing the beauty of watching the day begin from my Venice High School days. Henry David Thoreau once said "An early-morning walk is a blessing for the whole day".

This first week of my internship has not been as fun as I expected. I mean, honestly, it's the best internship I've ever had so far, but I'm beginning to question whether or not I was to spend the rest of my life sitting in an office in front of my computer nine hours a day, five days a week. However, it's just been the first week. I'm ready to grind harder and see what jewels I discover.

Last week was a bit of a slowdown, so I want to make sure I use this week to pick the pace back up and refocus on my transformation. I'm not done yet, and this is probably one of the most vital experiences one can possibly undergo. It's life nearest to the core. Reprogramming your mind isn't easy.

Planning on attending yoga after my internship tomorrow, attending meditation class Tuesday night, continuing my workout routines, eating well, going to my DUI classes, and attending marijuana anonymous. Most of all however, I sincerely want to go deep, deep within myself, and find a determination to stop masturbating to porn. My attempts so far have had no real soulful foundation. I don't want this to be an "attempt" I want this to be a decision.

"Do, or do not. There is no try" -Yoda

New Workout Plan

Now a little less than a year ago I committed to doing the P90X for about 60 days and got some pretty good results. Went from 20% to 12% body fat. Built a lot of cardio, strength, and went from 190lbs to 164lbs. I worked out about 6 days a week, many of those days doing doubles or triples (two or three separate hour-or-more long workouts the same day).

What I wasn't a big fan of, though, was some of the extra strain I was putting on various body parts. I felt like I was powering through a lot of my weightlifting workouts without giving enough attention to proper alignment, body control, nor did I feel like I was able to monitor my strength gains very well. I also got hurt a number of time being that I didn't feel strong enough for the workouts and over-exerted myself as to not look like a pussy at the gym with light weights.

This year I wanted to do something different. The results I got from P90X were great, but I'm bored of those workouts. My main goal is fat loss. Some people recommend I do 40-60 mins of cardio 5 days a week, but after trying that out for 2 weeks and avoiding weightlifting, I didn't get the results I wanted besides increasing stamina. So I decided to go back to weightlifting.

Here's my argument. Lifting weights burns calories. It take your body a lot of energy to push through heavy weights. Between sets, you're still burning calories as your body is recovering for the next set. After your workout, your body is still burning calories throughout the day, and as you sleep, for days on end until your muscles are fully recovered. Your heart doesn't burn fat, muscles burn fat. The more muscle you have, the more energy your body needs to power your muscles, and thus the more calories your body will burn in order to produce work. The more muscle you gain, the more calories you're burning.

The buff bodybuilder running on the treadmill at 6mph is actually burning more calories than the lean runner on the treadmill going at 8mph. Cardio only really targets fat burning during the workout, but doesn't continually burn calories throughout the day the way that muscles recovering do. I can do an hour of low intensity cardio and burn X amount of calories, or I can lift weight a burn X calories plus the the calories my body will use to repair those muscles. Same with high-intensity interval training. I might burn less by doing high-intensity cardio for 45 mins, but my metabolism will be raised higher and I will ending up burning more throughout the day, especially with the more muscle I have.

I got very buff and ripped in high school with this method and find that I get really good results when I do weightlifting in combination with other exercise as opposed to strictly cardio. Cardio is great for improving stamina, endurance, and cardiovascular strength, but I would argue against Arnold Schwarzenegger that I can't lose weight or burn fat just by lifting alone.

Most of the Fat-Buff Bear guys you see don't get that way just from lifting, it's mostly because they lift without following a proper diet regiment. A lot of them drink weight gainers, have a high-caloric diet, or ingest a lot of carbs and therefore have their metabolism slowed down.


For the last 2 weeks I've been following a Barbell Training program called Starting Strength. It's similar to what olympic power lifters do: mostly a series of Squats, Bench Presses, Deadlifts, Shoulder Presses, and Power Cleans. I liked the idea of building foundational strength first before trying to sculpt. I wanted to get my glutes stronger as I sit down all day and it's caused me to have lower back problems. I wanted to develop a good awareness of proper bench pressing, deadlifting, and doing other workouts that have been prescribed to athletes for so long.

When doing the P90X I found myself getting hurt a lot and being disconnected from my core. I'm not interested in bulking up or toning right now, but rather building actual strength & power for me to have under my belts when I do in fact wish to switch to more prettyboy workouts like bicep curls, shoulder flys, calf raises, tricep extensions, etc.

It's also just something new, and I enjoy doing it. I don't enjoy endless cardio. I don't enjoy endless weightlifting routines with tons of different exercises. I find that I'm more likely to stick to a workout that I actually enjoy, so why not stay with it if I'm more likely to succeed that way? I like the result I have so far, but of course, I'm experience the compulsory lower back spasms that I get whenever I start a new workout, but with this, I'm making my lower back and glutes STRONGER, not just straining them as an undesired consequence due to poor posture in other workouts.

I'm doing cardio on my off-days. I know you're not supposed to do too much cardio when trying to build muscle, but I find it important that my stamina and endurance be increased, so I'm will to sacrifice some muscle to be able to push harder in other things. I'm just doing continuous cardio for 40 mins at around 165-185 heartbeats per minute and will do high-intensity interval training after I've built enough cardiovascular strength.

My diet is also a Primal/Paleo diet. In short, it's a diet of strictly plants and animals. No bread, no grains, no pasta, no candy, no junk food, no cookies, no cheese, but yes milk. Carbs are basically more complex sugars. The carbs found in gluten slow our metabolism down by signaling our body to release insulin and take energy from our protein storages (muscle) instead of fat. The carbs found in vegatable and plants are much more preferable to our bodies. It's basically the diet our bodies have adjusted to for over two million years, before the recent introduction of grains, gluten foods, refined sugar, candy, and other poisons that civilization has fed us. Gluten-based foods and breads did not appear until about 10,000 years ago, along with the introduction agriculture. Evolution takes a long time and our brains and bodies have not yet developed as fast as our agriculture, technology, and way of life.

Of course, I wont be a crazy diet-freak about it. I'll make exceptions, let myself cheat now and then, eat a sweet, drink a beer, or have a bowl of spaghetti. I really think a lot of people develop strange eating disorders from following too strict of diets. Also, stressing yourself out too much over what you eat goes against the whole principle of health. It also just makes sense to me.

So for the next month and a half I'll be doing barbell workouts, focused on three sets of five reps, for each workout, just to build strength. Once I get as strong as I'd like, I'll switch to bodybuilder dumbell workouts and doing sets of 8-10. I'll do that for a month and a half (or more if it feels right) as well while continuing the Primal diet with the intentions of mainly building muscle.

After that, depending on my results thus far and how I feel, I plan on switching to a high fat KETO diet. It's a diet that allows no more than 50g of carbs a day, is high in fat, and permits a moderate amount of protein in ratio to the amount of lean body mass I currently have. Starving the body of carbs will put it into a "starving state" in which it will metabolize the high resources of fat in my body along with the fat in my diet. I've been doing a lot of research on this and thought this would be considerable as it keeps the body from metabolizing muscle while losing weight. During this "keto" phase I'm not yet sure if I'll be more cardio-focused, as I would by then have a lot of muscle to burn fat with, or if I'll be doing the same thing. I'll have to see.

Eventually I'll return to a regular diet with minimalized amounts of sugar, carbs, and fat. Mostly having protein at the top of my chain with lots of healthy raw fruits and vegetables.


My goal is to be in poolside shape my June. I don't think that far ahead though. Just one day at a time. Of course I'll also be mixing in yoga, dance, TRX training, pilates, etc.

But now it's time for the most important part... REST!!!

Creation

I really miss dancing. I really miss being loved. I miss being in love with what I do, and doing what I love. I want to dance again. I want to create. I want to get deep.

Challenges

Two days from my second week of sobriety and things are still going well. I've found meditation to be helpful as I went from 5, to, 10, to 15, and will start 20-minute meditation sessions tonight. I start by sitting somewhere that I wouldnt be too distracted, and create a determination in my mind to see through the end of my session as I set the alarm on my phone. I inhale for 5 counts, squeeze my kegel muscles and keep it held in for another 5, then exhale fore 5. I let the numbers build up gradually. The highest I got to the other night was 14/14/14, so basically a 42-second breath.

At the end of last night's meditation it struck me hard that I had class the next morning. Had I not meditated I may have forgotten to wake up. When I got to class the next morning, I was half an hour late, and realized that it was the second class meetings, I missed the first one last week. Knowing I messed up again made me pretty upset. I was disappointed with myself and I was going to just walk out a drop the class, and drop out altogether.

On the pad I was taking notes, I wrote some inspiration to myself, and made a determination to stick it through. A girl named Maya talked to me the other night about how much of a shame it was that I fucked up my life and stopped dancing. She said it was shameful that I always get discouraged, and compare myself to others and end up letting myself down because I'm not getting the results they're getting. I lose focus and rarely commit to one thing. So after class I reminded myself to maintain focus, and made an intrinsic decision to stick it through the class.

This week at CSUN wasn't a successful one. I wasn't able to add a single class. The school decided that they weren't going to allow adds unless you were a graduating senior. So even when I crashed a class that had empty seats, I still wasn't able to add.

I relied on my ex as a ride to get to school last semester, but she dumped me and so I had to drop out. I remember skipping class so I could take her to Catalina Island for her birthday. It was a very disappointing Fall.

I had made appointments with numerous counselors of different departments this Spring to help me decided my major. I had my academic game plan set and was looking forward to this semester. My only goal was to be able to repeat my failed classes from last semester, so that I can fix my GPA to change majors. Due to budget cuts, I won't be able to reach that goal. I can't participate in student government, study abroad, change my major, and worst of all I will no longer be eligible for financial aid since I didn't show academic progress and didn't pass 80% of my classes. I can't afford college.

I did everything I could. Wrote letters. Talked to professors, counselors, and even the Dean. I hit a brick wall. So instead of getting upset, I just clasped my hands in my car, bowed my head, and prayed to the only one I knew that could help me make sense of all of this, and maintain faith through it all.

My bad dreams came true after all, but at least I still have the ocean. I still have my internship to look forward to, along with my DUI classes, community service requirements, marijuana anonymous meetings, and I can still keep my job which I hate. I just hope I can still receive financial aid next semester.

They built an amazing new gym. I had the chance to check it out today. I wish I would be around campus more often to use i, but I'll just have to be patient. My chance will come. I recall the scripture "Let patience have its perfect work, so that you may be complete, lacking nothing."

I really hate my job. I really hate my boss. I wish she would disappear and never come back. Everything was good until she came around. It seems like I can never shove my head up anyone's ass far enough to please her. I thought I was working for a legitimate company, but they're just like any other evil corporation that will squeeze the life out of you in the name of greed. This week I'm going to truly dedicate myself to finding a new job. I fantasize about quitting my job and raging and smashing everything in the place up every day that I drive to work.

I'm also going to start my NoFap challenge today. I had some masturbation sessions and found myself less socially-driven, more tired, less ambitious, and just overall not feeling as good as I was when I wasn't jerking off for the four days I chose not to. Honestly though, I fucking sick and tired of having to chase after women and play with the games they put up. Most of these bitches don't even deserve me. They should take it as an honor I even speak to them. This is a big reason men cheat. Girls make it such a hassle to get to know them, that by the time we get them, we don't even like them anymore. Bitches really aren't shit to me anymore.

But of course, maybe I just state this due to my lack of social success. It's hard as a man, especially when you don't have any real friends, or history, or people to fall back on. Sitting alone in my room in front of this monitor has become my landing pad for such a long time. Sometimes I just want to drive off a cliff and kill myself, but I don't want to grieve my mother, so I stay alive. I know you have to work for the things you want, but things really don't make sense for me in the social world. I'm sure I understand things a lot better than other people, and I'm sure there are other people who wish they had my life, so I best get my confidence back, and be ambitious. I notice that I must first become a person that people would want to be around or hang out with, and that's what I'm working on becoming.

I hate going through my phone asking what people are doing just to end up wasting battery power. I couldn't keep up with my ex. She was a model, a pretty girl, so of course she got invited everywhere. I grow envious of my prettier, cooler, or wealthier associates. They remind me of how much my life sucks and how all the effort I put into improving myself still really hasn't gotten me any good results. Maybe it has though, maybe my vision is darker tonight, maybe I'm not quite exploding into light. Maybe I'm swinging low.

I feel unfulfilled. I look forward to Church tomorrow, and seeing Cirque Du Soleil with my mom. It's been a challenging and busy week and I still haven't gotten any play out of it.

And He Came Back Home

Today I committed "Philosophical Suicide" and got "Born Again" at the West Angeles Church. I respect the view that Atheism comes from, but the concept of Meaningless Existence didn't resonate with me enough for me to live happily. The more I rejected the Ultimate Reality the more animalistic and primal I became, and thus, the more I went crazy. Darkness reigned through my mind, doubt became my narrative, and chaos became my order. It's time for me to go back home and reconnect to The Source. The one true source of all energy that flows through all of existence and eternity. We all want to be stars, but there is only one Light that illuminates us all.

Life Hacks

There are a number of tools I've been using to improve my life lately, so I though I'd share.

Reddit: this is the front page of all of the internet. In some ways, the internet starts and ends here. The amount of information, knowledge, and content on here is endless, and is constantly being updated in dialogue with other members. However, there is also a lot of negative content and bad news that could ruin your day, so I subscribed to the following subreddits:

1. r/GetMotivated - Exactly how it sounds. This is where people post motivating content. I collect a great deal of inspirational stories and motivational media from here.
2. r/Leaves - opposite of r/trees. It's for people trying to stop smoking
3. r/Fitness - Members are always posting before-after pictures. Supporting each other, answering questions, and giving advice. Reddit is full of professionals in their given fields, and the guides provided are also especially helpful.
4. r/NoFap - Porn-masturbation addiction is a lot bigger than people think. Because it's socially accepted, most people don't identify it as a problem. This is for people trying to break their porn addiction, or learn more about the effects that the brain has on porn. If you're more interested in the subject of the effects porn has on the brain, I highly highly suggest watching these scientifically-based videos
5. r/Funny - because the internet is also full of funny.


Flux - A program to make computer browsing easier on the eyes. Typical LED monitors are designed to mimic the sun, however, our eyes are designed to only have half a day of sunlight. This program basically changes the color brightness of your monitor based on the time of the day. Don't worry, it doesn't darken anything, it just blocks out blue rays that are responsible for keeping you awake when you browse at night. Give it a try!

My Tumblr - not trying to advertise but, a lot of the motivating, inspiring, uplifting content I find is reposted here.

Chains - simple little website that allows you to visually keep track of habits, or broken habits. The goal is to not break the chain!

Seven Candles

So it's been a week of sobriety. Seven solid days, and I must say, I feel great. Even if it's just a winning streak, or a moment of glorious nirvana, or a looking at myself and cultivating a sense of belief in oneself, whatever this feeling is, I worked for it and I love it.

It wasn't easy. I didn't expected it to be easy, but I did expect it to be worth it. Since I was so busy with work, getting ready for school, and getting my life together, I really didn't have time to allow my thoughts to wander off to negative planes too much. I can't confess that I didn't have moments of anger or being upset, but I can give myself a pat on the back that I didn't freak out like I thought I would. I'm actually surprised.

I spent the first few weeks of January researching addiction, treatments, other people's stories, motivational content, solutions, self-treatments, and really just uploaded my brain with life hacks. It's a new year so it's time for upgrades. Mind upgrades.

I took the step, I didn't smoke. Didn't even have an urge to. The urge to change my life was far stronger. That Monday was Martin Luther King Day, and I remembered his quote:

Take the first step in faith. You don't have to see the whole staircase, just take the first step.

In the daytime my energy level was higher. I had more mental clarity, actually remembered things instead of having no short term memory, and enjoyed my social experiences more. I wasn't socially lazy sloth anymore. I listened to people's responses and actually cared about what they had to say. It's like I actually had an invested interest in people, and wasn't just spacing out while I waited for my chance to speak. The conversations I've had have been a lot stronger, my own social ambitions have shined more, and as a result, went to three parties and got four numbers without even having an agenda to do so.

Since my mind wasn't in a daze, I had a lot more awareness of my thoughts, where they were going, which thoughts triggered what emotion, which ones were serving me and which ones weren't.

When the sun went down, though, everything was different. Since I was also trying to fix my sleeping schedule, I tried going to bed earlier. I'm used to staying up until 4 or 5 in the morning with some smoke-fap-nap sessions in between. Since Battlefield 3: Back to Karkand has came out, I found myself pulling all-night gaming marathons blasting away my competition in digital world until 8 in the morning. I had to see the sun rise to convince myself it was time to sleep.

So when I tried to sleep, I just couldn't. I tried stretching, reading a book, doing abdominal breathing, nothing helped. Many dark thoughts kept visiting me while I was trying to sleep. I found myself arguing with my ex-girlfriend over and over in my mind, having psychotic thoughts, and being pulled in many different directions by worry, sadness, and shame. The emotions those thoughts triggered would only wake me up more. The first day I didn't sleep, so I thought "alright I'll probably just fall asleep tomorrow", but I didn't. In fact I was awake for four days and three nights straight without a single moment of sleep. In the daytime I felt fine and full of energy, but at night I wanted to fall asleep but couldn't. It was like my body was compensating for all the weed naps I took. 

On the first night I tried to start my workout routine. Perhaps that woke me up a lot more and since I was unable to sleep, my muscles were unable to recover. It was strange feeling like I was in the post-weightlifting state without being able to walk normally. I was doing squads and deadlifts, so I pretty much was walking like a cripple all week. Maybe that's why I didn't freak out or get angry, I simply didn't have the ability to. I was barely able to walk because my muscles were unable to recover.

On the second sleepless night, I had looked up insomnia treatments, and one of the websites explained that the more I think about how I can't sleep, the more it will wake me up. I refused, however, to get up and get back on my computer. The habit needed to be broken. I laid in bed and surrendered myself to God. I prayed to him that the spirit of slumber would come upon me, and even if it didn't, that he would strengthen me and allow me to persevere in my pursuit towards the betterment of life. This contentment grew in my heart, and I knew that the struggle would be worth it. I was ready to face whatever other hardships would come up and I knew God was with me.

I went to see my doctor to get STD tested, have him check my weight, and ask for sleeping pills. He told me to take some Melatonin. At the vitamin shoppe I met an older lady who had asked me what melatonin was, and I told her it was a sleep aide. I explained that I just stopped smoking weed and haven't been able to sleep. She told me her story about how she was a crack addict for 12 years, and how she just got out of prison after being incarcerated for 17 years, and she told me God would bless me for the decision I made. She told me to persist, to pray, to write, to read the Bible, and to put my trust in the Lord.

Receiving her word, I prayed once again that night. Even though the melatonin didn't make me sleepy enough to fall asleep, I still believed that victory would be mine. I still wrestled with evil thoughts, got chased by the zombies of my dead past, was struck down by the worries of my future, was cut by the edge of the mirror of my own shame and guilt, suffered intense bleeding from the wounds my ex left me, and for a moment, I recalled a meditation I did alone on my roof beforehand.

I was doing a small sun salutation, listening to my headphones, and trying to find a little serenity. I remember every time I would get into a pose, I would think about my ex, and her betrayal, and fall out of the pose. Then I realized, for me to truly benefit from the practice, I must hold the pose and let go of the thoughts, not hold on to the thoughts and let go of the pose.

I wont go into the details, but for a moment I knew that I just had to let the thoughts pass. The more I tried to resist them, the more power I gave them. The more I tried to dissect or analyze them, the deeper they would go into my consciousness. Instead of trying to control all of my thoughts as I laid in my bed on yet another sleepless night, I had to let them go. Alone in my room, alone with my thoughts, I just watched the fireworks go off in my mind, but didn't react to them. It was like teaching myself to meditate again,

I hated being alone with my thoughts. I got tired of fighting people I used to know in my mind. I rejoiced opportunities to keep myself busy. I used my tumblr to inspire myself. After collecting inspirational, motivational, and beautiful media, I archived it so that I could use it to help myself. I guess you could say I was "getting high off my own supply".

On the fourth night I had to sleep. I had an interview with MTV for an internship the next morning. I couldn't risk going in there sleepy or half-thinking any of the answers to their questions. I drank a solution called "Calm" which was a magnesium-based drink I used to drink to help my muscles relax, then I took Melatonin, Valerian Root, Chamomile, and submerged myself into a hot bath saturated with Epsom Salt. Finally, I had some sleep. Even though it wasn't a full night, it was enough for my brain to recover a bit. I woke up around 3am and couldn't fall back asleep for a few hours, but It was better than nothing.

That morning I did my yoga, prayed, made breakfast, put on my bow tie, and went fourth. It was probably the toughest interview I ever had, but I prevailed. I got the internship. I finally did it.

I was going to sink low and try to contact my ex for help as she worked and interned at MTV before, but I had to prove to myself that I alone was capable without needing her help, and I conquered, I succeeded, I finally made it somewhere. It was my kindness that got me there. A customer of the spa had struck up conversation with me, and really appreciated my service and the overall fact that I genuinely cared about her experience at the spa. I spoke of my ambitions, and she told me if I emailed her she would try to get my information in the right hands.

Now, I must make a confession. I said I didn't freak out, but I did. Frustrated with not being able to sleep, I picked up my office chair and smashed it on the ground. I also punched my wall a few times, but honestly that is nothing. The other times I've tried sobered up I ended up breaking my door down, or my mirror, car windshield, have physically harmed myself, drawn blood, I could describe the darker actions I've done, but I can't walk down that unlit hall without tripping, so let's just move forward.. Besides, maybe the fact my office chair is broke is a good thing--I can't sit down at the computer for long anymore.

I attended marijuana anonymous, subscribed to a forum for people addicted to marijuana, prayed, and kept myself busy. My mom said at the end of the week I'll be glad I did this, and amen, I am. Glory.

First Step

Today is my first, honest, step into living sober again. I started smoking when I was 13, and did started other drugs at 14. No one wanted to really be my friend at that time, no one had my back in a gang-ridden high neighborhood, I couldn't get any girls, and I didn't have any resources or things to do, school was fucking stupid to me and was a program to cage the animals in my neighborhood and for stupid fucks to feel smart by getting a letter written on their paper for kissing ass, so I turned to drugs. Weed was the only thing that made me happy. I recall my only "good week" in my younger teenage years was having an 8th of weed to smoke for an entire week to myself.

I made weed my lifestyle up until I was 17 after realizing at that time most of the vices in my life were weed related, as I was in a new neighborhood and didn't have to live in fear anymore. I didn't smoke (or masturbate) for about 2 years after that. I may have smoked a few times in the 2nd year but never turned myself back on to weed.

I started smoking again after I sprained my ankle when I was 20. Dancing was what I loved, and what kept me from doing bad things. After I wasn't able to dance, I started gaming, drinking, and smoking heavily. My ankle eventually healed, but I kept the substance abuse habits with me.

Years later, as an adult, I was able to lead what seemed to be a stable lifestyle. I had friends, girlfriends, sex partners, money, talent, and a job. However, after some broken dream, many missed opportunities, bad breakups, and a night in jail later, all of those things have faded away and I'm back at square one with my life at one of the lowest rock bottoms ever.

I stopped doing the things I loved and that inspired me, and started doing things to take the pain I had experienced during my journey, away.

Anger, bitterness, rage, and overall depression is a lot more common in my life than it used to be. I can't blame weed, but I can say that I'm no longer happy unless I'm high. I can literally go from "I hate the world and tonight I'm gonna get even with society" to "LOL thats a funny cat" in just seconds with a good hit from the blunt.

I remember after quitting weed, I relied on natural highs instead. My way of thinking became so positive I couldn't understand why people smoked weed when there were other ways of acheiving natural highs that make you healthier, happier, more creative, more attractive, and cultivate an even stronger sense of well-being and fulfillment.

My sources of "natural highs" were: Dance, yoga, meditation, exercise, lifting weights, writing, praying, doing daring shit, girls, friends, drawing, fashion, raw nutritious fruits and vegetables, eating healthy, exploring, learning, and the success high.

I haven't felt the success high in ages. When I wake up in the morning I get high and go on the computer. When I go to work I smoke a blunt while driving there. When I get off work I smoke on the way home, just to get on my computer again and smoke some more later. Wherever I go, I smoke. Whatever I do, I do it high.

I think my brain has forgotten how to think in a positively inspired manner. Some people can get high and still get up and go places. I can, but in a limited way. I'll go to work, but not the gym. I'll grab food, but skip out on going to the DMV. I'll browse reddit for hours, but not pay my parking tickets. I'll unlock weapons in battlefield 3 but not finish a single page of studying. Procrastination is a separate problem, but I don't think being high all the time makes it better. Having no initiative, inspiration, or strong-minded determination coupled with other mental issues, has made my mind harder and harder to control.

I don't even know which thoughts are mine anymore. I feel like someone with multiple personalities able to switch to different personalities depending on how pissed I am, or whether or not I ate, or whether or not I'm high.

My last girlfriend I was with for about a year. One of the issues we were concerned with was weed turning into the center of our relationship. I promised her it wouldn't, and it really wasnt, but I started becoming so dependent on smoking that I was in a bad mood if I wasn't high, and therefore always had to smoke around her. She smoked a lot with me too, but I think I definitely outdid her.

I don't want to call it sobriety, because it's such a boring word. I still plan on getting high, just not on mind-altering substances, or sources of over-stimulation like porn or gaming or violence.

There are a lot personal problems I need to work on, but I think having a clear mind first is the best approach. Weed may not always be available, and I need to learn how to cope without it. It's hard to lose weight when you have the munchies, hard to stay disciplined and focused when your mind is in the clouds, hard to be social when you're in your own world, and hard to get the "get-up-and-go" when you're stoned off your ass.

I look forward to this journey. It will be hard as I anticipate a large amount of anxiety, tension, stress, rage, aggression, and aggravation to follow me for the next few weeks, or even months, but fuck, I want my life back. There are better things in life. Maybe I'll smoke again in the summer and be the type to just take 2 hits and pass, maybe I'll never smoke again, but right now I need to take my life back in my control.

I plan on attending meditation classes for recovering addicts and going to Marijuana Anonymous again, regardless of how boring or awkward it is. It's hard as fuck to quit as a college student living in LA where weed is more common than cigarettes, but I can do it! I have to!

In honor of MLK day:

Take the first step in faith. You don't have to see the whole staircase, just take the first step.
-Dr Martin Luther King Jr.

Let The Sunshine In

Alright, that's it. Time to get up, time to wake up, time to be here, now, present.

It's time to choose life. Choose early morning alarm clocks, the self-help audiobook playing while I sit in parking lot traffic, handing coffee to your colleague after showing up 20 minutes early, shaking new hands and actually caring about what they have to say, pitching my self to girls and getting turned down just to do it again with even more positive outlook, standing in line for the club by myself because I can't stand another night at home alone, oxygen instead of smoke, not giving a fuck what anyone thinks because it's my life, leaping into the endless abyss, following what makes my heart beat like it's the only thing keeping me alive, crossing out my to-do lists like a boss, hitting the books and murdering exams, wiping my sweat off the machines at the gym, saying thanks when people compliment my talents, hitting every beat in the song, greeting my enemies with a smile, no longer looking back because that's not where I'm headed, glorious thoughts at even the most inglorious moments, finding nirvana within myself, building happiness and beauty from the inside-out, giving away my love knowing I may receive pain in return, and laying in bed at the end of the day knowing I did everything I could to make today the best day ever, every day.


So after doing some research I figured out a plan on how I'm going to transform myself into the person I want to be.

The first step will be recovery, which is getting my physical and mental health in a stable condition. This will be mostly attributed to my smoking habits and sedentary lifestyle. The psychotic thoughts, munchies, laziness, and overall state of being high doesn't give me a very clear mind to work with. Also, the short term memory doesn't help, which I forgot to mention before. If I want to work on my problems and create new habits, I must first have a clear mind to do it with.

One thing that I am already afraid of, and am anticipating, is the withdrawals I'm going to get from not smoking. Almost every single time I stop smoking, something happens, in a bad way. My symptoms are usually intense anger, aggression, rage, high irritability, boredom, and overall just being a grump. I was hoping to go to a sober living community, or take a camping trip, or a week off, but it doesn't look like I'll be able to do it with my work schedule getting in the way and the fact that they're not willing to LET ME TAKE A FUCKING WEEK OFF!!! I'm afraid of the withdrawal because usually every single time my aggression gets expressed violently, and I can't get in trouble. My mood swings happen way more often. I have to be extremely vigilant because often times I'm not aware of what will piss me off. I'll just start thinking about a few things and next thing I know my knuckles are bloody from beating the shit out of my steering wheel. I don't even realize I'm angry until it's too late--I've already gone into blind rage.

However, I have to adapt, so I'm going to try and do this with these few inconveniences in the way. I'm planning to add weight training in my schedule 3x a week, cardio on my off days about 3x a week too, and yoga at least 2x a week. I will probably do yoga every day during my first week of sobriety, along with meditation classes. I'm hoping I can immediately apply my excess energy that I will gain into exercising. I'll have to be sure to keep myself calm, so I'll only play calm music and audiobooks when I drive. When I get home, same thing. No intense stimulation, so more than likely, no games. However if the withdrawals are too strong I'll go ahead and play games or jack off ass those are the things that relax me, and the priority of this step is to quit smoking, not quit games and porn just yet.

It would probably help if I had friends to constantly hang out with, but I don't really have that. Oh well, it's my fucking life so I gotta man up and deal with whatever feelings of abandonment that will creep in during my transition. I won't give too much of a shit about work, I'll work at a relaxed pace, and leave my house early so I wont be stressed about parking and driving. I may actually be giving them my two weeks notice as my Spring semester starts in 2 weeks. I'm never sacrificing school for work again. Maybe I'll have to work part time, but fuck it, that's what I have to do. Maybe I wont get done with school as fast as I wont to because I have to work, but I'll just do what I have to do instead of spending another semester upset and bitching about working shitty jobs and how I never finished school.

During this stage I also need to work on a better diet. One fresh-squeezed green juice a day sounds good, along with a protein-rich breakfast, and one large salad sometime during the day. This all at the bare minimum. I don't want to put too much on my plate at once, so I think as long as I cut out junk food, and try to have these three things a day, along with other food, I'll be at a good start. I can't handle any specialized diets just yet, but I will change my diet once I get off the weed and make a solid habit of my exercise routine. So no calorie-counting for now, just ingesting fresh nutrition-rich food.

I'm also going to put bookreading in my schedule. I already read a lot on the internet alone, but I need to dive into a more subtle form of stimulation. One hour of bookreading a day. Something to keep my mind busy and also help me. A coworker told me reading is like a form of meditation, as you have to sit there and concentrate on one thing for an extended duration of time. With school coming up, I also need to re-train my brain to be a student. "A Book Can Change Your Life", I read this written somewhere on Abbot Kinney street in Venice the other day.

The other day I brought back an old ritual. I laid down on my back with the moon shining through my window before I went to sleep, and for a whole minute, imagined who I want to become in great detail. I feel like the thoughts you have before you go to sleep is like planting a seed for how you want your subconscious to think the next day. It's like an archer pulling back his bow and your thoughts control where that bow will be aimed. When you go to sleep, the archer releases the bow into the night sky aka, your subconscious. I had a vision that I was just, really happy. I saw my ex but she saw that I was really happy and couldn't really look down on me anymore. She found my happiness attractive, and I was unaffected by her affection or lack thereof.

It reminded me of the concept of finding happiness from the inside out. I really have to start making myself happy from within and not relying on external stimuli like girls, money, entertainment, gratification, friends, etc. Those things will all flow into my life naturally and gracefully as long as I focus my attention of personal fulfillment and acquire a faith and commitment to carry me along the way. This is truly where the journey is, and this is the journey I must take.

My mom told me she didn't abort me because she believed I had a purpose. If that's so, I can't necessarily expect my life to follow a traditional route I guess. I have to blaze my own way. So let's do this.


too long; didn't read: Quit smoking weed, exercise more, eat healthy, and calm the fuck down.

The Beginning of the End

So I have a few vices that many be considered minor to some, but have been sabotaging me from making any progress in my life due to my lack of self control, adaptation, and additive behavior.

1. Weed - I've been smoking  since I was 12 so that's basically the last 11 years (I'm 23). The longest I've not smoked was about a year or 2 between age 17-19 and those were honestly some of the most exciting times of my life. I may have smoked here or there at a party, but fuck, I live in LA, we smoke weed the way fat people drink soda. My symptoms have been general laziness, overeating, psychotic thoughts, over-thinking about the past, not giving a shit about anything, major procrastination, and not being able to enjoy stuff unless I'm stoned. I'm super socially lazy sloth, foul bachelor frog, and because of my addictions in total, is making me more socially awkward penguin.

I've tried quitting multiple times but I get extremely sharp withdrawals that just get stronger the more I smoke. Mainly aggression, rage, and violent thoughts are the characteristics I develop. Did I mention I was bipolar? Not full blown bipolar though. Smoking treees keeps me more at a stable medium, whenever I stop I get more mood swings. It's a big problem because of the violent part, I can't get into anymore trouble.

However, I've not, *not* smoked more than 3 weeks in like 3 years. I think my brain needs a break cause I smoke All day, Everyday, Californ, I.A.


2. Pornography and Jacking Off - I wounldn't say I'm a pedobear pron addict, but more of a foul bachelor frog. I've been fapping since I was about 10. When I was 16 and got really spiritual I didn't fap for a year. As I look back I must say I've had some amazingly glorious experiences that year, and got buff as fuck from working out. When I started jacking off again I felt the guilt, shame, low energy levels, lack of drive, etc that you get from overmasturbationg.

Only until recently this year has it became a problem. I stopped working out and started fapping more. I often times get stuck in a smoke-playvideogames-eat-jackoff-sleep-repeat cycle any moment I am not at work, and it's quite destructive to my consciousness. I also got a girlfriend this year, and it came to the point where I could not orgasm sometimes unless I was thinking about a porno scene.

She was a beautiful, sexy as fuck girl. She was a good fuck and her pussy and mouth felt great. Her body was hot and she gave me great head and let me fuck her really good. However, I had this same problem with a number of girls before her, so I know it's not because I didn't like her. Nowadays I don't even get hard from porn sometimes, and have to fantasize about my ex to cum, which still leads to the fantasizing problem--the fact that I'm getting off on fantasizing about something else and not being pleased enough by the visual and sensory stimulus alone.

She's now my ex gf because of my lifestyle. At one point I even lost my boner while banging her and she said "I wish you didn't watch so much porn". I think my general lack of energy that night was more to blame, but this is still an example of how my bad habits intruded into my relationships as well.

I lack much social drive, social ambition, drive to pursue women, and sincere interest in other people. I also have problems with shame, anger, self-hate, lingering on the past, sleeping too much, lack of confidence, etc.

3. Video Games - Every night I have dreams that I'm in a video games. Most recently, I'm in battlefield 3, except battlefield 3 IN REAL LIFE, but in a dream. Last night I was killing off tones of Chinese navy dudes trying to attack my trench. It was me and 1 other guy straight slaughtering dudes. Other nights I'm in my helicopter with my Dad as the gunner and we're ripping squads to shreds with our mini-guns. Before there usually wasn't much killing involved, but now there is. The dreams get more and more real and violent.

Jailbreak is also a stupid game I got hooked on. I spend hours and hours and hours on end playing sometimes.

I love the intense stimulation and ability to escape and enter a virtual world. However, interacting with preteens and shit playing games so much living in a virtual world at 23 years old, isn't good. The longest I've not played in the last 2 years was about 6 weeks, and even then I would fantasize about games. But then again, after that 6 weeks my drive and social skills skyrocketed. I was a fun motherfucker to me around because I wasn't such a stimulation junkie, I was the stimulation. Now I stay up to 4, 5, 6 am just to hear the epic victory music, missing classes, appointments, and showing up late to work every day.

I get an adrenaline rush from playing with a good squad, and sometimes get downright pissed off when I lose.

4. The Internet - It's and endless source of information. Behind a keyboard and an internet connection, I literally have the world at my fingertips. It's socially acceptable, provides instant gratification (more stimulation with just a click), enables one to be endlessly stimulated, and , shit, it's endless. You can find ANYTHING on the internet, and I mean ANYTHING!!!!  The first thing I do when I wake up is get on my computer, and the last thing I do before I go to sleep is turn my computer off. This needs to stop.

I need to live beyond the desk and keyboard, beyond the illuminated LED monitor, beyond the endless source of information. I need to live in the real world and be unplugged from the matrix.

5. Anger - Lately I've been reading a book about anger and they characterize what they called a "Rageaholic". In basic terms, this is someone who has learned to live angrily and use anger as a large part of their way of living. These people use anger sometimes to control, use raging as a form of expressing themselves, find pleasure in the "anger rush" they get from being violent, rely on anger as a way to feel powerful, and have been angry so much they trained their minds to naturally react with anger and hold onto grudges.

Now I mentioned I'm a person of highs and lows, I'm rarely in between, so my anger as been a problem through my whole life. I've been kicked out of schools, gotten into fights, whooped people's asses, gotten my ass whooped, said very mean things to people, have destroyed about 5 windshield, caused tons of damage to my apartments, broken countless objects, have physically harmed myself, and have gotten a DUI from finally getting caught during my rampages driving drunk at 120mph while raging down the 405 at 3am listening to Wocka Flocka Flame.

It's been like this since I was like 3 and it needs to stop. My brain is wired to be an angry person and I need to change it. The thing is, I can also be really kind, loving, happy, compassionate, and calm. The problem is I don't really stay that way if I swing or get pissed off, or thing about some dumb shit to piss me off.

I'm sure once I stop the first 3, my mind will be clearer to tackle #4, but I want to know how I can get there, and stay there, without doing any crazy shit from withdrawals. Usually when I  quit smoking, no, every time I quit smoking something happens. I have a manic rage episode and break shit or get extremely aggressive and do crazy shit and break shit or get fired from my job or drive like a maniac. Living in Los Angeles having to deal with a piece of shit car driving in parking lot traffic up the 405 and taking shit from rich people at the hotel where I work full time hasn't necessarily provided me with a "calm" environment to help me transition.

I'm seriously dependent on the weed right now but I know if I stop for 2 weeks it'll get a lot easier, I just don't want to get into trouble the first 2. I don't think quitting the fapping will be that hard as long as I'm not on the computer and am more active.

Not sure how I can resist the gaming since I still use my computer for a number of other important activities. I've uninstalled games, just to reinstall them when the urge comes strong enough. Sitting on my computer also, potentially, leads to fapping. I considered selling my desktop and getting a laptop so I wont have this huge battlestation sitting in my bedroom, and the simple fact that my laptop wouldn't be powerful enough to run a game.

I thought about taking a week off from work, and dedicating that time to a yoga class a day, along with daily meditation, hikes, going to the gym, maybe even taking dance classes, reading self-help books, going to meetings, eating healthy, maybe juice fasting, and writing about self-improvement, goals, etc. just to give me a pit of a mental refresher and give me a clearer mind to approach these problems for the upcoming month.

My goal is to change my whole mindset, without going too crazy in the process. I can't get arrested and I can't go to jail, I gotta make these changes in a safe controlled manner. Not saying I want effortless, painless change. I just want to approach this in a manner that will make me stick and keep me from relapsing.

Too long, didn't read:
I don't wanna permanently quit fapping, just end my cravings to watch porn, and my dependency on it to be sexually stimulated. I don't expect to permanently quit weed, but for a while I do so I can learn to function and be happy without it. My use of the internet is something I need to control a lot more. There's too much to do in life beside sit behind a keyboard! The constant stimulation probably has a bit to do with my bipolar disorder and mood swings. I can't get angry anymore. It's time for me to control the emotion, not have the emotion control me. There are so many powerful things I can do if I could just focus and gain control.

I need my mind to reset.